Proof That You Should Never Text Your Ex

Breaking up is hard to do. Seriously – the end of romantic relationships have inspired countless songs, books, and cinematic masterpieces. While eventually everyone gets over it (sometimes with gravitas, like one bloke in the U.K.), the road to serenity now can be difficult.

From embarrassing confessions of long-harbored feelings to sad ploys to rekindle the romance, many have used their phones to reach out to a former significant other. Unfortunately, texts to an ex rarely end well. Learn from the mistakes of these poor schmucks and put your mobile device away immediately. Here are some examples of what not to message your long lost lover.

You probably shouldn’t ask for your stuff back if you were stepping out like this guy. The new TV might not be worth it at that point. In the case of money versus pride, try to walk away with a little bit of your pride intact. From Texts From Your Ex:

Yep. I think that's a wise choice

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It’s also best to keep your taste in porn to yourself – especially when an ex is involved, right. Some secrets are better left untold, and no woman will ever find it “flattering.” Also from Texts From Your Ex:

Should I be flattered???

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Reddit user Brokenarmedanddanger learned the hard way that Disney breeds fairytale romances, not fairytale splits. While this sort of lyrical recall is truly impressive, it was never going to have a happy ending.

I texted my ex girlfriend all the lines from the Gaston song from Beauty and the Beast. One line at a time. Blackout. At three in the morning. But it was from a different time zone, so it was four in the morning where she was. She was not impressed.

Another rule of thumb is to avoid contacting your exes while consuming alcohol. It literally never-ever goes well. Ever. Make sure you have a friend keep track of your texting habits as you imbibe. Take Shwinnythepooh‘s tale, for example.

“Dude theres a hot chick in a onesie here for some reason she let me smack her ass to ms new booty did I just hit an all time low or high”

Meant to send that to my (male) friend who goes to a different college, accidentally sent that to my ex (their names were right next to each other in my inbox).

Autocorrect will screw you over every time, so you should always double-check before sending off any range of diatribes. Pregnancy scares aren’t fun for anyone involved – just ask SRS10.

I was texting my ex’s brother one night when my phone autocorrected “I’m pregamming” to “I’m pregnant.” I didn’t notice and didn’t check my phone for a while after I sent the message. Yeah, that was awkward.

If an ex unfollows you on social media, it’s for a reason. Remember that. While it may sting at the beginning, sometimes a clean break is for the best. From Texts From Ex:

What to do when your ex unfollows you on Instagram: text them all you Instagram pictures! #textsfromex

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Also – don’t hedge your romantic chances on sports. That’s a bet you don’t want to make. Leaving matters of the heart up to chance only works out in the movies.

Super Bowl bets. #textsfromex

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Your ex is NEVER going to be okay with setting you up with a friend. Don’t expect them to “put in a good word” – they definitely won’t. If anything, this will hurt your chances for a new hookup. Take this Texts From Your Ex-er’s plight:

Yeah no problem of course

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Note: tread lightly when approaching your chance at reconciliation. Sometimes it works out in your favor, but one wrong move and your chances are shot to hell.

Yep. Left field

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Look elsewhere when trying to fulfill your coed intramural team requirements. A broken relationship probably won’t translate to A+ teamwork:

Another creative way in….

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And finally, try your hardest to let it go, let it go. Salvage what’s left of your pride, don’t give them any extra ammunition, and hold your head high. Or, at least, crawl away quietly to lick your wounds.

Persistent as hell

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