We are approaching the 14th season of Top Chef, set this year in Charleston. Viewers will tune in to see the locale, to enjoy the judges, and to watch Padma ask strange leading questions like “Did you mean for it to be this salty?” And more than a few of them will be waiting anxiously to see a combination of tense competition and sensitivity to criticism merge into a series of truly sick burns.
Yes, Top Chef has its out and out screaming matches on occasion, and that is certainly a blissful form of blood sacrifice to the drama gods. But, the true pleasure comes from people calling each other out, clapping back during judging, and getting creative about criticizing.
The following list celebrates the moments and the people that made viewers say “Daaaaaaamn.”
Howie Uses A Judge’s Words Against Him
Who doesn’t love when contestants decide judging is the time to get a little of their own back? Season 3’s Howie is no whiz with the time clock, something he attributes to running his own kitchens. Viewers know that kind of talking head quickly turns into a problem, and it isn’t long before he’s left with a lonely sea urchin shell filled with risotto because his frog legs never make it to the plate. He’s doomed, and the judges — including the irascible Anthony Bourdain — register shock, eyes darting between one another, when Howie drops it on the table in front of them. When he is brought back in the bottom (shocker!), Anthony Bourdain asks “What is your major malfunction?” and proceeds to lecture him on timeliness. Howie turns right around and uses a part of Bourdain’s book to answer him and it shifts the power in the conversation.
Howie isn’t rude or an ass, and the judge appears to respect the comeback. So does the audience. Watch it here!
Grayson Asks A Rhetorical Question
It’s not unusual for Tom to tell people that they won’t win by making something. In season 5, Tom tells challenging Ariane that she can’t expect to win with deviled eggs and in season 9 he tells petulant chef Grayson that she can’t expect to win making chicken salad sandwiches. She does not take it well, which isn’t shocking when you consider that she loudly proclaims “F*ck this sh*t” when she gets voted off her redemption season (why did she get to come back? reality TV is why).
Appearing visibly confused by Tom’s criticism, she fumbles to make sense of what he is saying, while the volume of her voice increases. Tom insists she needs to make winning dishes and she asks “Like a meatball?” sarcastically referencing Lindsay and Sarah’s dish. Oddly, when she returns in season 13, she makes meatballs for the first challenge. Watch it here!
Richard Checks Jamie
Season 8, the All Stars season, was relatively low on the burn scale. Of course, there was still tension, like Marcel swigging straight out of a Bombay Sapphire bottle and hopping around while screaming at Dale. However, most of the shade was low key. When the chefs cater a launch party for the US Open; Carla cuts her finger but soldiers on, causing the chefs to give Jamie some real side eye for choosing to go to the hospital when she cut her finger in a previous challenge. Then, Jamie refuses to present her dish because her chickpeas aren’t cooked. It’s obvious by the judging that the other contestant’s cup of Jamie runneth over. As her teammates exit the stew room to be judged, Richard turns to Jamie and tells her she has a story, which offends her. It’s subtle, but he totally calls out all the situations that allowed her to skate through multiple challenges. Her stories.
Dave Has Had Enough
Restaurant Wars marks the halfway point in every season of Top Chef and making it to that challenge is frequently a cheftestant (too much?) goal. By this point, people have shown their true colors and conflicts have emerged. During season 1, the one with the sad lack of Padma (like who cares about Katie?), production probably regretted that the knife picks kept baby-faced martyr Miguel and assertive Tiffani, who had battled on the previous episode, from being on a team. Where would they get the drama? Cue Dave. From the moment that the team hits the van and starts planning, Dave feels ignored. By the time they are seated at the judge’s table, he is ready to let loose. Provoked by Tiffani’s constant interruptions while he tries to speak, Dave emphatically declares “I’m not your b*tch, b*tch” before walking away with the challenge win and a place in the Top Chef Hall of Fame.
Spike Makes A Poor Choice
Late in season 12, the chefs are asked by Rick Tramonto — Chicago chef, cookbook author, and restaurateur — to butcher and clean some chops from an aged side of beast. Spike kills it and wins, but he isn’t granted immunity (which he must sorely regret). For the elimination challenge, the final five run Tramonto’s Steak and Seafood. Spike is given the first pick of proteins and he picks tomahawk chops and scallops … frozen scallops (regret number two). As Richard Blaise says “He’s taking those f*cking frozen scallops.” As soon as he opens the bag, Spike knows that he picked wrong, and when they are served, the judges know it too. But, during judging Spike won’t go down without a fight, defending his choice by pointing out Tramonto had the scallops in the fridge. “Well, with all due respect, they were in your walk-in and it should never make it in the walk-in if it’s not high quality.” Tramonto fires back “I’ll take the shot, but you gotta take the shot that you used them.” Spike takes the big shot and is sent home at the finish of the episode.
Later, insiders revealed that production placed the frozen seafood in the steak house. Watch it here!
Fabio Reminds Viewers What The Show Is Called
Scallops may be the most contentious shellfish in the sea. They frequently send Gordon Ramsey into an apoplectic tirade, they prompt Spike to get sassy, and they lead Italian dreamboat Fabio to exercise his dad wit to its fullest extreme. When Jamie (yes, Jamie again) single-mindedly cooks scallops for almost every challenge, Fabio laments “All she does is scallops. For Christ’s sake, this is Top Chef. It’s not Top Scallops.” This line is brought back in the All Stars season and in a season 10 elimination challenge that asks chefs to cook meals inspired by famous Top Chef moments (many or which are included in this list).
Honorable Mentions
There are judges who are masters of snark, leveling harsh (yet amusing) commentary at all comers. Anthony Bourdain is obviously an honorable mention. But he’s not alone in handing out blunt critiques.
Early seasons have an episode midway through during which contestants judge each other’s food, and Toby Young initially joined them in this endeavor. His biting commentary served as an example to the contestants, inviting them to go for the jugular. In season 5, he remarked “I think it tasted like cat food.” and “The U.N. weapons inspectors were looking in the wrong place in the run up to the Iraq war. Because I have found the weapons of mass destruction, and they are in this bowl.” Way harsh, Toby.
Michelle Bernstein, Beard award winner, chef, and author, also makes recurring appearances peppered with critical asides. Of one person’s dish, she asked “Could he have tasted it? Because if he tasted it he would know.” She once called someone’s frog legs insipid, and in responding to Kenny’s assertion that his meal was targeted as the worst by his fellow contestants because they were jealous, she replied “I could talk about them [the elements on the dish] each individually; it would take all night.” However, she does give away her cookbooks as prizes, so that seems a fair trade — your self-esteem for some modern Latin recipes.
