We all want to punch the accelerator on the ride toward adulthood when we’re kids. We’re too short and too young to have any of the real fun, and to us, anything we can’t get at qualifies as real fun — a notion that hasn’t left us now that we’re grownups, it seems.
In Home Alone (which is streaming on HBO Now), Kevin McCallister echoed our collective aching want to move through the bigger world, our eyes widening to the possibility that a kid is making the ultimate speedy transition into the adult world. Though sadly, for Kevin, that transition comes with adult responsibilities and scary situations as he is left to care for himself after his family accidentally abandons him for the holidays.
To celebrate Home Alone and Kevin’s wild ride through faux adulthood, we decided to take a look at lines from the film that fit perfectly when you want to pretend like you’re a real adult. Because let’s face it, the holidays are here and there is a good chance that you’re going to be sleeping in your old room next week on your old twin bed, your parents coddling you and treating you like you are 10 again.
“I took a shower washing every body part with actual soap; including all my major crevices; including in between my toes and in my belly button, which I never did before but sort of enjoyed. I washed my hair with adult formula shampoo and used cream rinse for that just-washed shine. I can’t seem to find my toothbrush, so I’ll pick one up when I go out today. Other than that, I’m in good shape.” — Kevin
When you’re home for the holidays, you’re bound to face a barrage of questions about how your career is going, the state of your love life, and the other usual suspects of invasion questions. While you may not have a satisfactory answer for that especially nosy aunt, and while she may not need to know the full update on your hygiene, you’re probably in pretty good shape when it comes to your life as well.
“Guys, I’m eating junk and watching rubbish! You better come out and stop me!” — Kevin
For kids, part of the appeal of becoming an adult is being able to do and eat whatever you want. And they’re right. That kind of agency is pretty awesome, until it’s not. There comes a point when you have to eat something green and read a book. While putting down the nachos and taking a break from Netflix might seem like a trial, no one is going to come out and stop you, so you’re going to have to help yourself occasionally.
Still, the holidays is the best time to kick back and eat too much, so eat junk and watch rubbish to your heart’s content this holiday season.
“Is this toothbrush approved by the American Dental Association?” — Kevin
“Well, I don’t know. It doesn’t say, hon.” — Clerk
“Well, can you please find out?” — Kevin
Sometimes you just have to fake it ’til you make it. While Kevin puts on his most mature persona to throw off suspicion while he wanders through the store alone, sometimes you’ll have to put on your grownup face until it feels natural. Eventually, what once felt forced will soon become real. Unless it’s about wine. You’ll probably never genuinely understand “oaky undertones.”
“Yeah, he’s a kid. Kid’s are stupid.” — Marv
At some point in your adult life, you will realize that you have no idea what kids are talking about anymore. Snapchat baffles you, you do not know how to properly use “on fleek,” and you can’t name a single member of One Direction. While this will initially make you feel ancient and out of touch, simply reminding yourself that kids are pretty dumb will make you feel better in no time. Knowing who you are and owning it is way better than being “hip” or whatever new slang kids have moved on to.
As you make the jump from the kids’ table to the big leagues, call a few little punks “phlegm wad” and embrace your adult status.
“This is my house. I have to defend it.” — Kevin
While you probably won’t have to defend your home against intruders, you will eventually have to be a responsible homeowner. Mowing your lawn, changing the batteries in your fire alarms, and dealing with termites are boring, mundane things that adults have to deal with on the reg, but maybe they’ll seem a bit more bearable if you think of it as “defending your house.” The good thing is that even if you constantly feel like you’re just masquerading as an adult, at least you aren’t just 8 years old and forced to hold down the fort all on your own.
“No offense, but aren’t you a little old to be afraid?” — Kevin
“You can be too old for a lot of things, but you are never too old to be afraid.” — Marley
Sometimes the most adult thing you can do is admit that you’re afraid. There’s no shame in it, and it’s OK to ask for help once in a while. While you may have assumed that growing up would lead to fearlessness when you were a kid, that is never, ever the case. Whoa, Home Alone. Way to get deep on us.
