Movies

Relive These ‘Idiocracy’ Lines And Weep For The Future

Idiocracya little-seen cult masterpiece that flew under most people’s radar thanks to its limited theatrical release back in 2006, is also a pretty scathing commentary on the perceived de-evolution of modern American culture. Co-written and directed by Mike Judge (Silicon Valley, Office Space) the film tells the story of the world’s most average man, Joe Bauers (Luke Wilson), who’s put in a cryogenic state by the Army, then is almost immediately forgotten about. After waking up 500 years in the future — thanks to humanity’s severely dwindling intelligence — Joe finds himself the smartest man alive. And as you’ll see from these quotes and clips, it’s by a pretty wide margin despite Joe’s own limited mental means.

“I thought you were on pills or some sh*t!” – Clevon

To illustrate how society was brought to its knees we’re introduced to the tightly-wound, high-IQ couple Trevor and Carol, while learning their unending list of reasons preventing them from reproducing. We alternate between them and the trailer-park-dwelling Clevon, who’s fertility helps plant the seed (pun intended) for the upcoming era of stupidity.

“A pimp’s love is very different from that of a square.” – Collins

When Officer Collins is unable to find a female subject for his cryogenics experiment, he turns to “the private sector,” as he calls it. There he finds Rita, (Maya Rudolph) who is “loaned” to the Army by her pimp, Upgrayedd (the second D is for the double dose of pimp). In the end, Collins winds up a little too taken with the lifestyle.

“You are an unfit mother. Your children will be placed in the custody of Carl’s Jr. Carl’s Jr… ‘F*ck You, I’m Eating.'” – Carl’s Jr. Machine

In one of Joe’s first experiences witnessing what the everyday world has become, he watches as a woman orders food from the one available option, Carl’s Jr. (think of this as an alternate universe to Demolition Man). She argues with the food-dispensing ATM over her order’s lack of french fries, which then leads to her arrest, but not before it utters their signature tagline, which is consistent with what advertising has become in the future.

“You mean like in the toilet?” – Various

While in the hospital, Joe is mortified when he sees a dark green liquid coming from the water fountain. After learning that it’s Brawndo, the sports drink of the future (its got electrolytes!), Joe’s simple request is met with the same response every time.

“If you have one bucket that contains 2 gallons and another bucket that contains 7 gallons, how many buckets do you have?” – IPAA Machine

I’ve actually been on job interviews that involved answering pre-recorded questions that were not much different than this.

“Go away, I’m BAITIN’!” – Frito

Say what you will about the dystopian future, but they definitely aren’t shy about their priorities. Even if the food/foot fetish is a little weird.

“You talk like a f*g, and your sh*t’s all r*tarded.” – Dr. Lexus

Dr. Lexus breaks down Joe’s comparatively odd way of speaking while making it clear that political corretness went the way of the dodo long ago in Mike Judge’s view of the future.

“Welcome to Costco. I love you.” – Costco employee

Looking for answers in the megastore/law school that Costco has become, Joe and Frito come upon an assuring but internally deadened greeter. Usually you have to wait until Christmas time to find that kind of malaise at a big box retailer, but it’s clearly year-round when the store is the size of a city.

“Because I like money.” – Frito

Now that’s what I call an enduring human principal.

“You think Einstein walked around thinkin’ everyone was a bunch of dumb shits?” – Rita

“Yeah… hadn’t thought of that.” – Joe

“Now you know why he built that bomb.” – Rita

For a film with President Camacho, Ow! My Balls, and a ton of broad humor, the “bomb” line by Rita stands out for its sneaky cleverness.

“It will be Daddy Justice crapping on him this time!” – Newscaster

This may be one of the least exaggerated moments in the movie, even with reporter Formica Davis’ dynamite follow-up report.

“Couple of us guys was wonderin’ if we could go family-style on her.” – Secret Service Agent

After Joe and Rita sneak off to formulate a plan while tricking everyone into thinking they’ve actually “done it,” one of the members of the Secret Service makes this blunt, but honest, inquiry.

“Sh*t. I know sh*t’s bad right now, with all that starving bullsh*t, and the dust storms, and we are running out of french fries and burrito coverings. But I got a solution.” – President Comacho

One of Terry Crews’ many scene-stealing moments as President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho comes when he addresses the grave problems humanity is facing with the kind of candor you’d expect in the future. Having Joe around gives Camacho a burst of optimism and celebratory gunfire.

“People wrote books and movies, movies that had stories, so you cared whose ass it was and why it was farting!” – Joe 

After being elected the President of America, Joe delivers an earnest speech that he hopes will inspire a new era of human enlightenment.

“For the smartest guy in the world you’re really dumb sometimes.” – Frito

For a character who got all the best lines in the movie, it’s fitting that Frito delivers one of the most concise and sincere quotes near the film’s conclusion. It was so endearing (and accurate) that you want to forgive him for producing “32 of the dumbest kids to have ever walked the Earth.” Of Frito, the spirit of Clevon was inside you all along.

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