We’ve brought you missives of the glory of Japanese promotion DDT (Dramatic Dream Team) before. Basically,it’s everything you could want in a wrestling promotion. So it makes sense that it’s the home away from home of Joey Ryan, noted penis wrestler and Ironman Heavymetalweight Champion. Well, things got turned up to a whole new level of absurd this week, as Joey took part in an “Anal Explosion Match.”
Let’s back up.
DDT Pro has recently been purchased by “Donald Trump,” who has (with the help of referee Matsui) made the company aware of a strict ban on shimoneta, which is “dirty jokes.” So what do you do when you have a match between the world’s strongest gay wrestler Danshoku Dino and the world’s strongest penis fighter and you’re not allowed to have dirty jokes? You have an anal explosion match! Here, I’ll let “Donald Trump” explain his thought process:
So to recap, the ANAL EXPLOSION MATCH was going to feature Dino (or Dieno, if you prefer):
Against Joey Ryan:
Just totally normal pro wrestling stuff.
When their match finally arrived, Joey revealed that he had kidnapped Dino’s friend Yama-chan … AND PLACED A BOMB IN HIS ASSHOLE.
Joey, you monster. Things went pretty much as expected from there. And by “pretty much as expected,” I mean … well, luckily the Dramatic DDT WordPress is here to explain it for you:
There is a lot to go through for the next match. A lot! At some point in the show Joey Ryan won the Iron Man Heavymetalweight Title. I’ll get into more detail with that later. For now just know that Ryan now had to defend the championship against Danshoku Dino in an Anal Explosion Death Match. But first, Donald Trump appeared for a complete English PowerPoint presentation. Trump revealed that the most powerful person in DDT is not the president Sanshiro Takagi or the KO-D Champion HARASHIMA. It is really the referee Yukinori Matsui! If there is one thing that Matsui hates more than anything else in wrestling it is explicit sexual humour. Do too much of it in front of Matsui and you will get fired. However Dino is the “World’s Strongest Gay Wrestler” and Ryan is the “World’s Strongest Penis Fighter”. Matsui will watch the match backstage so they need to find a way to wrestle explicitly in a way that won’t offend him. Somehow, some way, an Anal Explosion Death Match is acceptable because in this situation “ANAL” stands for “All Nations Anal Love”. If that wasn’t enough, Ryan revealed that Dino’s friend and former Iron Man Champion Ryota Yamazato has been kidnapped by foreign agents. In 20 minute’s time Yamazato’s rear end will be used for the Anal Explosion unless Dino can win the match before then.
The time began to count down and the match was ready to begin. But first the National Anthems of America and Japan had to be played. Additional commentary was provided by Trump and Guanchulo in English, Hoshitango in Spanish and Rekka in Chinese. As the match went on Matsui kept a close eye on the action from backstage. Dino and Ryan fought up the ramp towards the commentary stations. Ryan’s penis flung Dino off the ramp and crashing through the Spanish announce table. Dino was later thrown off the top turnbuckle and he crashed through the Chinese table. The commentators were so mad that they attacked Ryan but he fought them off with his penis. When Dino recovered he gathered the commentators in the ring and placed them on the corner turnbuckles with their backsides exposed. He then overpowered Dino’s penis, getting revenge for the spot that caused all this in the first place. By the time he put the Lip Lock on Ryan, Matsui had seen enough and made his way to the ring. Trump realised the match was in danger of being cancelled so he sprinted backstage. Some of the DNA wrestlers distracted Matsui by treating him like a celebrity, shaking his hand and asking for autographs. Then a mascot blocked his path but Matsui knocked it down with one punch. He then shook its hand. Matsui walked past the women’s locker room and the temptation to peak inside was too much. When it turned out that Cherry was the only person in there Matsui was grossed out and moved on. Finally Trump caught up with Matsui and confronted him. They chopped each other back and forth until they both leaned in closer and closer. Then they kissed. Back in the ring Dino pulled Ryan’s lollipop out of one of the commentator’s backside and he then put it in Ryan’s mouth. That stunned Ryan long enough for Dino to do the Danshoku Driver for the victory. The two congratulated each other after the match and Ryan handed both the Iron Man Title and the bomb button over to Dino. Dino threw the button away and left his buddy Yamazato to get his ass exploded with three firecrackers outside the building. The screen went blank and we’re left with the message “There can be no peace on earth without pro wrestling” along with a picture of Sanshiro Takagi naked. Backstage Dino and Ryan started to act like friends but quickly started fighting again over the Iron Man Title.
The aforementioned national anthem, by the way:
DDT Donald Trump was in fine voice that evening! And also in good … kiss?
So … was there an anal explosion? Brother, you’d better believe there was.
You can also witness the aftermath of their match, as Joey and Dino sat together in a back-of-the-bus press conference that begins at about 37:00 of the below video. After offering to be co-Ironman champions, Joey threatened to take the belt back in Osaka … and maybe even take it to WrestleMania. (With obligatory sign point.)
It appears as though this anal feud … is just heating up.