New York City subway shenanigans are all the rage when it comes to viral popularity lately. Not long after people were obsessed with not realizing the peacock this handsome bar manager was dragging around underground was fake, the internet shifted its focus to a group of WWE fans reenacting a Royal Rumble on the subway.
Not ones to miss an opportunity for a good retrospective, we went ahead and compiled a worst-to-best ranking of pro wrestling’s train moments. No, seriously, there are way more than you’d think. Some of them are even good! Don’t believe us? Well tough nuggets, ‘cuz this list is leaving the station!
Honourable Mention: John Cena Gets Scammed By Sh*tty Fast Food
Shout out to this kid for taking advantage of John Cena’s apparently voracious appetite for food you can buy for $7 at a rest stop in Connecticut and trading a pile of cold cuts for what would have resulted in an exorbitant appearance fee for a healthy child. Hell yeah, get yours little man.
Every Time Jared From Subway Showed Up
We can’t talk about wrestling and subways in the same breath without revisiting horrible pervert Jared Fogle and his rich history of WWE appearances. Because he’s a terrible person (who they don’t have to retroactively remove from the Hall of Fame, lucky break), let’s focus instead on this clip of CM Punk. Is his line delivery of “Go get me Jared from Subway” the best thing he did during his SES era? For the sake of hyperbole and the theme of this list, yes. Yes it is.
Also, take a second to think about how two of the three wrestlers in the ring are back with WWE now, and none of them are CM Punk. Didn’t see that one coming, huh?
Train Performs For The Troops Because Their Job Isn’t Unbearable Enough
WWE sure does know how to connect to its audience. Oh, you’re in a war zone? You like wrestling? Here’s TRAIN. I can’t even make jokes. This is just cruel.
Dean Ambrose Goes To Coney Island
On the October 6th, 2014 episode of WWE Raw, Dean Ambrose decided he’d rather take the train to Coney Island than hang out at the show. I mean, if that weren’t the episode with America’s favourite morning drunks Hoda and Kathie Lee, I would give that a hard same. The only reason it’s not the at the very bottom of the list is because the trash food guy became a convicted sex offender, and the existence of the band Train.
I’m sorry, we’re supposed to believe this guy is a totally unhinged lunatic when he can totally blend in on an NYC subway? Please. If you can’t stand out on the Q train you ain’t sh*t. And before your argument becomes “but he brought back a whole hot dog cart,” stop. You and I both know he took an Uber XL back to Barclays.
Jinder Mahal’s Subway Franchise That Never Was
If you would have gone back in time and told … well, literally anyone that Jinder Mahal would defeat Randy Orton won the WWE Championship, it’s a safe bet they wouldn’t believe you. “Ha! What’s next,” the skeptical fan of the past would say, “another Punjabi Prison match?” A little while after his victory, he spoke to The Mirror about his unwavering confidence that he could one day be a champion. He also revealed that his was thisclose to opening his own Subway franchise:
“I was exploring other options, other businesses, I was in fact going to open up a Subway franchise, but I decided I’m too young, I’m not even in my prime yet, and if I give this my all, give it my best one more time, I could make it top the top. Which I did, I gave it my all, and now I’m WWE Champion.”
Man, Subway’s got their hooks in deep.
Michinoku Pro’s Ten-Man Rumble In Yamagata
Back in 2015, in conJUNCTION (get it? Junction? TRAIN JOKES?) with the Yamagata Railway Company, Japan’s Michinoku Pro held a 10-man rumble, with the idea that whoever could survive until the Flower Nagai Line completed its route would be declared the winner. Until DDT threw their hat into the train game, this was the gold standard for fighting on a train that isn’t The Warriors or that time Spike killed Principal Wood’s mom and got himself a new jacket.
DDT And Chosi Electric Rail Bring Train Fights To 2017
The weird and wonderful world of DDT isn’t just Joey Ryan suplexing people to death with his dick. The world of wrestling blow-up dolls, “Italians” with invisible dogs, and kayak fights got on board (get it? MORE train jokes?) with the idea of fighting on a train back in April. For just 5,000 yen a piece, 40 fans got to watch a Falls Count Anywhere Battle Royal that took place on a 50-year-old car that also happens to be used for haunted train tours. There was presumably no charge for ghosts. Pardon the spoiler, but the real winner of the match is the old lady both delighted and completely unfazed by what’s happening:
I love you, old lady DDT fan/potential ghost trying to get our attention from the hereafter.
The Undertaker Teaches Triple H About Escalator Safety
Back in 1997, WWF Shotgun Saturday Night emanated from New York’s Penn Station. When you get over the momentary gut punch of realizing that 1997 was 20 years ago, scroll up and revisit The Undertaker giving Triple H a piledriver on an escalator because pro wrestling is serious business.
The first time I was in Penn Station I was 16. A homeless guy yelled at me for being on “his” escalator and kicked me so hard in the calf I had a saucer-sized bruise for two months. The moral of these two tales is that escalators in Penn Station are no joke, and also Triple H and I are basically the same person I guess.
Wrestling Isn’t Wrestling — It’s MURDER
Hey guys, remember the time James Storm tried to straight-up murder Mickie James by pushing her in front of a train? Because oh man, I sure do. I’m always the first to insist that Impact Wrestling had its moments of un-BROKEN brilliance, but that fact was undeniable when, again, JAMES STORM TRIED TO MURDER MICKIE JAMES VIA TRAIN. That one’s a train joke for my fellow Canadians.
Of course, TNA had to go and stick its dumb TNA fingers in everything by insisting that it wasn’t murder, just a concussion and some hurt feelings. So dumb. We’re not ranking all the times Storm inflicted head injuries and sadness here. Though, if we were, this would be number one with a bullet:
You may look at the viral subway rumble video and think it’s just a bunch of dumb fans, but hey — those dumb fans let us take a long-ass journey to re-watching Gunner’s dad (the Lailman!) get murked in front of his son. And isn’t that what pro wrestling is all about?
