We Need To Talk About The New WWE Merch Available Only In Japan

Pro wrestling merch is mostly T-shirts. Sure, WWE has partnered with companies to bring us leggings, hats, and gaming chairs, and New Japan has a beauty mask that looks like the mask of a wrestler who spits poison, but wrestling merch tables and websites still overwhelmingly hawk T-shirts.

WWE Japan, however, has partnered with Rakuten to bring fans a variety of unique products. It’s all worth checking out, but I’ll cut to the chase: one of those products is a cover for a body pillow:

That’s right, if you live in Japan (Rakuten only ships domestically) and already own a dakimakura, or body pillow, you can get a pillow case for it featuring your favorite WWE Superstar — provided your favorite WWE superstar is one of these three men who previously achieved success working for NJPW!

They only get more amazing and baffling when you see them with the description from the website (via Google Translate):

“Let’s get drunk with physical strength!” WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? How do you get that from a body pillow? Does the pillow make you strong??? I’ve been staring at this picture for the past 48 hours, and I still don’t know.

What I do know, though, is that these things are incredible. The pictures they chose of these men are not even remotely cuddly. Especially compared to the anime girls you usually see on dakimakura at cons or wherever. AJ looks like he resents having to sleep with you, Shinsuke is clearly in the middle of his entrance and not DTC (down to cuddle), and Finn … Finn could be holding open his jacket for you to feel his abs, I guess. So maybe if you, like, put a bunch of medium-sized rocks in there you could replicate that experience? I DON’T UNDERSTAND THESE.

When WWE Japan, the country-specific version of the WWE website with a link to Shinsuke Nakamura merch right on their shop’s homepage, tweeted about this and other Japan-exclusive products, the Artist Known As The King Of Strong Style had this to say:

AJ and Finn have yet to respond, but there’s no way the former Prince Nevitt Devitt doesn’t know he’s a body pillow. The dude has tweeted fan art shipping himself and Seth Rollins and once a GIF from a Finn Balor roleplay tumblr. I bet he already owns like five of these.