Previously on the Best and Worst of Smackdown Live: All the participations in the Fastlane main even fought each other, Daniel Bryan got really into WhatCulture videos, and Rusev wasn’t on the show for two weeks.
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Hi, I’m Emily Pratt and this is the latest installment of my regular column, The Best and Worst of New Japan Pro Wrestl – wait, what? How did I get here? I’m locked in a closet with a laptop and a note that says, “I need to you cover the Smackdown Live review this week because I have an extremely busy schedule as a successful vegan pro wrestling writer. Hope this episode isn’t [checks notes] cold boogers on a paper plate! – Brandon.” Oh, okay. Just another day at With Spandex!
And now, the Best and Worst of WWE Smackdown Live for February 27, 2018.
Best: This Is 40
John Cena, the newest member of the Bludgeon Brothers, is not dealing with middle age well. He showed up on Raw last night to tell us all how sad he is about not having a match at WrestleMania yet and how he’s going to use his free agent status wander from show to show begging for one because the Undertaker was all “Seen at 3:25 a.m.” The Existential Crisis Cena promos have been my favorite from him in a while, and I hope he doesn’t get a match on the card until like April, so we can continue to watch this 40-year-old 8-year-old spiral into despair.
The Staples Center crowd has no sympathy, and boos him when he says he wants to be in the main event of Fastlane. Don’t we all, John! But Shane McMahon and Daniel Bryan see another great opportunity to provide opportunity (any time either one of them says “Land of Opportunity” these days I hear shades of Ben Wyatt’s “Could a depressed person make this?”) and put him in the main event against A.J. Styles. This segment was peak bleak current-day SmackDown. I hated it. I loved it. I don’t know.
Worst: Stakes Aren’t Just Something You Drive Into The Heart Of A Vampire
This section is going to cover almost everything in the episode. SmackDown has a real problem with urgency right now, as I’m sure you’ve noticed. We have five men going toe-to-toe for the WWE Championship, and it doesn’t feel important. Their level of passion or wrestling skill doesn’t feel like it plays any role in what happens to them because Shane is busy sweating all over his Popcorn-brand popcorn and Daniel Bryan clearly hates his job and just watches the show backstage at increasingly maddening angles thinking, “When my hair finally grows out, it’s over for you hos.”
A great example of how this is doing no favors to the talent is the Sami Zayn vs. Baron Corbin match from last night. It was a good bout preceded by my new favorite Heel Sami entrance. That dude is on another level with obnoxious dancing. And Kevin Owens on commentary is always fun (“Move your hair out of your face. You look silly, Baron Corbin.”) But nothing these two do matters until Fastlane, if even then.
Dolph Ziggler’s sneak attack was a fun moment and caused me to have a crisis about how he actually looks pretty hot in his current hair/street clothes situation, but why did he do it? The answer to that and the post-main-event beatdown seems to be “Retribution for the last beatdown?” but watching all these frustrated, bitter people kick each other in the ribs a few times an episode isn’t entertaining right now, just exhausting.
The Naomi vs. Ruby Riott match was decent, but was hurt by its context in a feud even less compelling that the men’s. Charlotte is facing Ruby Riott for the SmackDown Women’s Championship at Fastlane. Charlotte went one on one with every member of the Riott Squad. Her unofficial squad, Becky Lynch and Naomi, are also fighting them. The matches all feel the same. I think the most entertaining thing we’ve gotten from this feud is that goofy promo the faces put on Twitter in which they were all wearing wigs.
I was super happy to see Shinsuke Nakamura and Team Rusev Day back on the show for Nakamura vs. Aiden English, and Rusev’s skintight Happy Rusev Day hoodie is one of the greatest articles of clothing I’ve ever seen. Nakamura and English had a good match that showed off what a quality worker English is, like most of his recent matches.
Maybe Nakamura will fight Rusev next week, because that’s how SmackDown booking has been working recently. Maybe they won’t put Rusev on the show again. The first option seems way more entertaining and like a better use of super over performers, but that honestly makes it feel less likely on SD Live right now.
In the absolute worst feud they have going on right now, Bobby Roode will defend the United States championship against Randy Orton at Fastlane. These two men are still talking about the SmackDown Top Ten List, like it determines anything at all. If during their title match Orton just starts screaming a la my favorite Randy Orton promo about how YES, OKAY, I DO CARE ABOUT THE SMACKDOWN TOP TEN LIST, IT’S SO STUPID BUT I CARE ABOUT IT MORE THAN ANYTHING while beating Roode to a bloody pulp this will all be worth it for me. This show has beaten me down that hard.
Ironic Best: Perfect Product Placement
Josh Duhamel, star of the Transformers franchise, the former Mr. Fergie, a man we’ve been hearing about recently in relation to allegedly 15-20 wrestlers, shows up backstage to promote his new show, Unsolved. Duhamel plays a detective investigating the murders of Biggie Smalls and Tupac Shakur, so naturally Breezango believe him to be a detective. When the New Day enters because Big E sounds like Biggie, the segment takes on a real Sesame Street Purgatory vibe. Duhamel is the sole adult. The wrestlers are Muppets that look like fully grown men and act like children. There is no escape. The winds of bleakness that blow over the blue tundra that is SmackDown Live spare no segment.
Actual Best: If It Ain’t Broke
The Usos vs. the New Day feud part a million kicks off with incredible dueling promos. The Usos and the New Day both escaped Smiley Ethnic Tag Team Hell to become two of the best parts of WWE programming over the past few years, with entertaining promos and killer matches, and they did it in opposite ways. The New Day took the terrible power of positivity thing to such an insane level that it became great, and the Usos got mean. Both teams do promos that are in touch with popular culture and don’t feel like they were written by million year old men (see: Braun Strowman saying “noise pollution” on the most recent Raw.)
Both have legitimate reasons to want to be on the WrestleMania card proper this year: the Usos have worked their asses off for WWE for nine years and are one of the most popular acts right now and the New Day got stuck hosting WM33 despite killing it the whole year and being record-breaking tag team champions.
The Usos point out that they got popular without pandering to little kids, but Big E takes home the W for his team by pointing out that they achieved success without having any popular wrestler relatives. There’s truth to both teams’ promos and motivations, the same kind that’s been making everyone on Raw so much more compelling than everyone on SmackDown lately. This long-running feud feels more vital and fresh from two minutes of yelling than everything else on the whole freaking show.
Best/Worst: Phenomenal Hustle
John Cena and A.J. Styles are both incredible veteran wrestlers and unsurprisingly put on the match of the night. It’s not their Match of the Year, but it’s really, really good. Just watch it and pretend the finish doesn’t mean 1) the WWE Champion was pinned clean between the Royal Rumble and his title match at WrestleMania (I don’t support the Undertaker coming out of retirement, but I do support WWE not stressing me out by making me think we might not get Styles vs. Nakamura II by having Cena sign-point with these guys) and 2) the main event of Fastlane is now a Six Pack Challenge, which seems like way too many people for this match.
Why don’t they just bring out the Elimination Chamber again at this point? I’d be way more into this if there was a cage involved.
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Week
Awkward Loser
Ya know if they REALLY want the Fastlane match to be awesome they should make the guys wait in Chambers and also add Braun Strowman
Endy_Mion
Can this be a hair vs hair match?
Given the crossover appeal and “timely” pop culture references that WWE is always searching for, they should rename the Bludgeon Brothers to the… Wait for it.
“Smashing Bumpkins” !!!
The Real Birdman
I like that Reverse AA English does. An AA if you will
I hope it’s revealed they made Cena do an SDL Top Ten and it’s just himself ten times
Ryse
Oh shit, they triggered E with that 5 years.
Cami
It makes sense that Smackdown’s mascot is a pancake, because it is the flattest wrestling show on television.
Baron Von Raschke
I’ve seen Shane McMahon thrown through glass windows
I’ve seen him leap from towers
I’ve seen him jump off cages through tables.
His most dangerous stunt will be trying to finish a box of arena concession stand popcorn that was popped last Friday night.
Designated Piledriver
SmackDown Live! Now with Live Director’s Commentary!
Mr. Bliss
Corbin doesn’t want to beat up Sami, he’s just heard the talk about his own hairline and wants to steal Zayn’s hat.
Have you listened to this week’s With Spandex podcast?
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