glare
Previously on the Best and Worst of Smackdown Live: The Bar defeated The Usos to advance to the finals of a four-team tag team tournament, Charlotte Flair qualified for a Smackdown Women’s Championship match at SummerSlam without totally deserving one, and Ultimate Heel Gas Station Daddy Randy Orton beat a thin layer of smoke-stink off Jeff Hardy.
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Here’s the Best and Worst of WWE Smackdown Live for August 7, 2018.
Best: Promosapiens
While nothing from Smackdown could equal the Emmy nomination-deserving brilliance of Paul Heyman’s emotional breakdown on Raw, this week’s episode is buttressed by three excellent promos that set the stage for The Biggest Party Of The Summer® without (at least in most cases) giving too much away.
Opening the show is Rockabilly Slender Man Randy Orton, who continues to be the best heel of the season with a declaration of intent to murder Jeff Hardy for real, in front of us, and laugh about it. “I will become so violent, you will want to change the channel.” Man, that’s the kind of heel we need more of. More “I’m going to be an evil fucker and make you all unhappy,” and fewer, “I want to cheat but I’m getting beaten up so much I don’t know if I can!!!” The fact that Kevin Owens has spent like two years doing the latter instead of the former right now is mind-boggling.
I love that Orton quietly sauntered back in to do the best work he’s done in ages while Big Match John is off in Hollywood having a mid-life crisis or whatever. I wanted to type about how I hoped the second Cena came back Orton jumped him and sent him packing again, but … yeah, if I see them in the same room together again before I die it’ll be too soon.
“I don’t need a match with Daniel Bryan, Daniel Bryan needs a match with me!”
If The Miz had added “jack” or “daddy” to the end of it, that could’ve come out of 1985 Ric Flair’s mouth. We join Miz Master Mike “on the set of Miz & Mrs.,” which is a reality show about a guy who works for WWE so “the set of Miz & Mrs.” is literally everywhere WWE is. He cuts another (another) great, frank promo about how D-Bry spent the past eight years obsessing over him but he’s been too busy to repay the favor, which is like 40% truth and 60% total bullshit. That’s a great ratio for a top heel. You want to believe what you say, but you want us to know you can’t really believe it. There’s juuuuust a little nonsense in there to throw off the balance.
I kinda wish they hadn’t spent several years building up Daniel Bryan’s threat to punch Miz in the face only to pay it off two weeks before they’re supposed to wrestle on the second biggest pay-per-view of the year, but that’s neither here nor there. They’ve wrestled and punched each other a lot before, so it’s fine. I do like Miz getting completely trucked in a one-on-one brawl, and only surviving because he had two NPC security guys present and smashed a vase over dude’s head. Best vase obliteration since Rusev was ahead of the curve with Enzo Amore.
Miz/Bryan at SummerSlam is going to be fucking outstanding, and I can’t wait. This is when Daniel Bryan gets to stop being Scrappy-Doo or whatever and go back to being, at least in spirit, the American goddamn Dragon. Still hoping they offered Alex Riley and Damien Sandow a pay-day to do cameo run-ins.
Finally we have a promo from WWE Champion AJ Styles, who is in a little over his head in a war of words against ASMR Shogun Samoa Joe. He does good work here, though, bringing up Joe’s accusations about him never being there for his family and admitting that yeah, he doesn’t get to see his family as much as he wants to, but he hasn’t always been WWE Champion … they all started together at the bottom, in dirty apartments making no money, and Joe’s thrown away a decade of friendship by showing emotional ass and claiming they didn’t.
And then in maybe the biggest pop from me all night, they go backstage where Samoa Joe’s laughing his ass off.
Adorable. What a piece of shit. That match will hopefully be great too — I’m not confident that any AJ Styles pay-per-view championship match without John Cena in it’s going to be as good as it should be, which is an absolutely insane thing to type — but it should also objectively go about 30 seconds and Joe should put him in the ground with extreme prejudice. Like, if Styles wins that match it’ll be one of the dumbest calls they’ve made all year. Don’t give me Styles winning by disqualification or something goofy to set up another match at Hell in a Cell, you do that too much; pull the trigger, give us WWE Champion Samoa Joe at the top of his game, freshen up the main event scene, and reinvigorate AJ Styles by having him chase for the championship against a guy he could do brilliant work with in his sleep.
Best: Comedy, And It’s Actually Funny?
I’m not sure how much longer they can run with R-Truth as an infrequently occurring oblivious veteran who understands how the show works on a deeper level than most (but not really), but in small doses he’s delightful. Here he is telling Shinsuke Nakamura that he’s going to get a championship match against him at SummerSlam the “same way everybody else does…I’m gonna pin Carmella.” Amazing. Tye Dillinger trying to stop him from making a fool of himself but not completely understanding how much of a fool Truth can be is good too. And Truth thinking Dillinger suggesting he’s got to beat Renee Young in a match to become number one contender to Carmella.
That sets up a really fun squash for later in the night, with 46-year old Truth showing that Goldust-quality veteran fire and athleticism and getting off some strong, believable offense before Shinsuke stops underestimating him, focuses up, and shuts him down. That guy’s almost 50, for real, and he’s moving like that. This is a much, much better use for vets who can still go and have some cache left with the WWE Universe instead of Raw’s plan, which has mostly been to have them hang out at catering for three hours every Monday for the 12 months between Andre the Giant battle royals.
In other actually funny comedy news, New Day gets interviewed backstage by Kramer Kingsman, who should just do all the backstage interviews going forward. I like that Kofi’s “white guy” voice is such a copy of a copy of a copy of Eddie Murphy’s white guy voice that he’s bordering on Mickey Mouse. I would not hate it if we could get another run of New Day coming up with creative, fun shit to do every week instead of just throwing food at people.
Best: The Tag Team Tournament Finals
… or …
Worst: Why Can’t This Tournament Go On Forever
I’ve spent a couple of weeks complaining about how the Smackdown Tag Team Tournament to crown a new number one contender heading into SummerSlam only had four teams in it, and here’s the truth: it’s less about wanting a bigger stage to tell stories, and more about wanting these dope-ass tag team matches to be on the show forever.
Every match in the tournament has been great, and this one was probably the best of the three. It’s actually kind of a bummer that New Day’s entire legacy is built around cereal and pancakes and selling merch, because I don’t think they get enough credit for how bulletproof they are in marquee tag matches. These guys always deliver in the ring, and I don’t think there’s been anyone in the company, really, at least on the main roster, who has had as long of a sustained, high-quality run in the ring. Folks like Nakamura and Styles and Daniel Bryan and Sami Zayn and Kevin Owens are all super workers, but being “super workers” at the top of the card in WWE means they’re stuck in a lot of dumb stories and even dumber finishes to keep those stories going. New Day’s had their share of those, but the actual matches are almost always top notch.
And hey, if you haven’t been typing “The Bar deserves better than being the third of fourth most important tag team on whatever show they’re on” since they formed, you aren’t paying attention. Sheamus is like the exact blueprint for a great WWE wrestler, and if he’d been developed at any point in WWE history besides that dark-ass 2005-2010 era he’d be a smark darling. He probably should be anyway, but our opinion of him formed when he was greener and stuck in a bunch of unwatchable shit. Then there’s Cesaro, who is a darling, and deserves darlinghood status more than anyone in the company, but has never been trusted to be anything even CLOSE to a main-eventer. It’s insane. It’s the status quo, and nothing surprise, but shit, is that ever going to change?
Long story short, tag team wrestling is the best thing in the whole world and I wish they’d just consolidate the shows, vacate the Smackdown and Raw Tag Team Championships, and run a 32-team tournament with teams from all three brands and 205 Live so I can watch nothing but this all day. (And The Revival should win, don’t @ me.)
Worst: Also In Tag Team Action
Nothing against these guys as performers, I guess, but I’m more than tired of the main roster Ascension’s run with the tag titles. They just wrestle cans, and when they don’t, they treat the good teams like the same cans. The matches are never very good and don’t live up to any of the build around them, the aesthetic and gimmick of the team is corny as hell, and Luke Harper is way too good to be stuck as 1/2 Kane in a Glenn Jacobs tribute band.
Shout-out to that Sterling James Keenan reference from Tom Phillips, though. Pour one out for the Aaron Burr to CM Punk’s Alexander Hamilton.
Aiden English Is Doing This On Purpose, Right
First of all, a Best to Zelina Vega. For just everything.
Second of all, Aiden English is absolutely interfering in these Lana and Rusev matches, causing a bunch of problems and costing them a bunch of wins on purpose, right? Because he’s got some evil dramatic motivations to hate them for trying to exclude them? If he doesn’t, he’s reaching Shemp territory of ineffectiveness. Making one mistake is understandable. Making two creates some rising action. Making costly mistakes for a month is a total heel move and you’re trying to get away with it. Right? Long story short, I’d be very into Aiden English as at least a semi-serious undercard heel instead of a rapping albino with reverse Domino powers.
Worst: The Crowd For Chanting Boring At The IIconics
Becky Lynch and Charlotte Flair are both in a Smackdown Women’s Championship match at SummerSlam and my precious IIconics aren’t involved at all, so one gets fed to the other to build “will they or won’t they” friendship drama. I get it. Peyton and Billie’s time will come. I’m gonna assume the crowd chanted “boring” at them because they didn’t have a readily-available common wrestling chant to express “I’m really annoyed at what you’re doing.” I guess booing would work, but who does that anymore?
I’m not super into the friend vs. friend thing here, because Charlotte and Becky are acting like they don’t have a long history of wrestling each other, and that you can’t have a wrestling match unless you hate your opponent. Just … don’t cheat? Or team up together and kick the shit out of Carmella? That “gasp oh no” stuff doesn’t even really come into play until that moment in the match when one of you goes for a pin and the other pulls them off by the leg. Still though, the more that match is Becky vs. Charlotte, the better.
But for real, and I’m sorry to keep typing this, but does Charlotte understand what a moonsault’s supposed to be? She’s the only person I’ve ever seen do a moonsault onto two people right behind her and somehow miss. It is SUPPOSED to attack the arm? Why can’t anybody catch her? It’s not like she’s Vader, moonsaulting 400 pounds onto everybody, she weighs like 20 pounds more than you. CATCH HER AND FALL DOWN.
Charlotte’s great, but that’s the worst move in pro wrestling. At least until Dean Ambrose comes back.
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Week
Amaterasu’s Son
So let me speak once more on SDL tonight. Thank you to The Bar and The NEW DAY! for not only putting on a clinic, but giving us a Tag Team Legend to finish off this tournament. Gentlemen, I salute you.
Endy_Mion
I read that the hammers of the Bludgeon Brothers are actually forged from the hardest part of the ring.
IC Champion PdragolphZiggler
3 stars ain’t enough this man needs 5!
notJames
When Sheamus’s mohawk starts wilting, you know he’s got his working boots on.
The Vase That Runs The Place!
troi
good strategy by The Bar. Stop Big E from gyrating.
The C Team (aka The Coolest Team, duh!)
Truth losing is on Paige because Truth was prepared to fight Carmella, not Shinsuke
BREAKING NEWS – Dean Ambrose to return at SummerSlam as part of The Miz/Bryan match to avenge Mitch the Plant’s brother.
Baron Von Raschke
Miz should have taken off his tie to strangle Bryan with it.
AddMayne
Miz says gifs like “jifs”
He really is the ultimate heel
(double points for that last one)
or better yet, dont
That’s it for this week. Another great Smackdown to help chase the existential nightmare that is Raw. Drop a comment below, share the column if you’re a pal, and be here next week for the Road To SummerFest™.
