It’s been almost a week since the Royal Rumble, but it was a fun show and I can’t pretend it’s not on my mind. As you probably know, I like to right about the fashion on display at the big PPVs, because everybody’s usually trying out new things and debuting new looks. This year, I decided to rank every look in the Women’s Royal Rumble Match from the least flattering to the most stunning. My opinions are purely my own, of course, but also I’m usually right.
If you’re asking yourself if it’s sexist to only talk about the women in visual/fashion terms and not the men, I get it. On the other hand, I’m doing it this way because the women’s match gives me so much more style to talk about, whereas if I start talking about the men’s gear, there’s only so many ways I can say “Look at those solid black trunks!” and “What the hell is Dolph Ziggler thinking?!” So without further ado, let’s talk about all the gear from the Women’s Rumble.
28. Lacey Evans
Lacey, Lacey… what are you even doing with that hat? I get the sailor pin-up idea, but making the brim of your hat wide enough to paint words on in it (in the sort script usually applied to homemade sweatshirts) makes you look more like a Russian sailor than an American one, and while I know American conservatives love Russia now, but I just don’t think that fits the “Keep ‘Em Flying” aesthetic. Things get a little a better when she takes off the skirt and hat to wrestle, but there are still problems. Her boots look like clown shoes, the “seams” on her stockings are just drawn-on carton stripes, and her hair is consistently a mess. This is one of the unfortunate consequences of being mean to queer people, Lacey: There’s nobody to help you look good.
I have nothing against Tamina as a person. She’s inherited a particularly problematic legacy, and she’s obviously dedicated to the WWE and has done whatever they’ve asked of her for a long time. That said, what exactly is her character? She’s Superfly Jimmy Snuka’s daughter and therefore she’s… very tough and wears black leather? I understand she’s not going to be an island princess, because the would seem pretty racist and wouldn’t suit her anyway, but there’s just not much to her to grab onto, and the way she dresses exemplifies that. Also this is just what she wears all the time, and it’s nice when superstars put in a little extra effort for the Royal Rumble. Last year she wore white, which I wasn’t a huge fan of, but at least she got points for switching it up.
26. Mickie James
Mickie James is gorgeous, and she pretty much looks great in anything that’s not bell bottom tights. This particular outfit, however, is doing a lot, and not succeeding at much of it. She’s obviously visually referencing her Native American heritage, but like a lot of her attempts to do that, this outfit seems more like a nod to the idea of Native American aesthetics than to any particular heritage. The Easter egg colors don’t help matters either. Maybe I’m biased because I prefer when Mickie’s aesthetic is more “hot mom at a honky tonk bar,” but this look just doesn’t cut it for me.