Last Year: Won the damn Super Bowl.
Key Acquisitions: Cheating allegations and Matt Flynn!
Key Losses: RB Shane Vereen, RB Stevan Ridley, G Dan Connolly, NT Vince Wilfork, CB Darrelle Revis, CB Brandon Browner, CB Kyle Arrington.
Seriously, where to even begin with this team?
The offseason for the Patriots was… unique. Seven months of bitter squabbling over some balls that may or may not have been deflated. Tom Brady may or may not be a cheater. The Patriots may or may not be a cheating organization. We aren’t any closer to finding the truth, because Goodell got a justice boner and went full force after Brady and the Pats to the detriment of his own lingering credibility. Then lost. Now Patriots fans everywhere can wiggle their fingers at the rest of us, saying, “WE WERE RIGHT ALL ALONG,” even though we don’t actually know that because Goodell screwed up the process so badly.
So, Brady gets to play the opening game on Thursday night against the Steelers. He will probably go full Brady on them, so expect a slaughter of righteous fury. Expect the announcers to spend 60 percent of the airtime commenting on Deflategate and cracking ball inflation jokes. Last time the Patriots got caught in a cheating scandal, they went on a tear across the NFL and would have won everything were it not for a goofy hero named Eli Manning. Will the Pats have that same righteous fury? Will they be the same level of team they were last year? Honestly, I don’t know. It’s hard for anyone to look at the team simply as a team divorced of all this nonsense. The team seemed to finally be out from under Goodell’s thumb, and now, thanks to an investigation that dropped early Tuesday by ESPN, everything is back under a microscope.
But enough of that. What can we actually expect out of the team? Did they improve? They lost longtime defensive anchor Vince Wilfork. The one year rental of Revis brought a Super Bowl, then he bailed once again for the Jets and another huge payday. Both Shane Vereen and Stevan Ridley left. Brandon Browner, a troublesome force across from Revis, also left. The secondary looks to be returned to its previous incarnation of bad. The offense still has Brady, Gronk, and Edelman, so they should still be effective. No one expects the Patriots to slum it or lose a lot of games. The Pats will still reach the playoffs, still contend for the one-seed and the Super Bowl, and any result that isn’t that will be considered a failure (by Pats fans) and a pleasant surprise (by the rest of us).
For the fan perspective, I received a submission from a diehard Patriots stereotype (actually written by a poster known as Kalli):
Can one truly ever have enough? Last season, the Patriots went to their ninth AFC Championship, sixth Super Bowl and won their fourth of the Brady-Belichick era, and now it’s time for Patriots fans to yet again gorge themselves at the Golden Corral buffet that is the AFC East. That’s where we are with the Patriots. Not wondering if the 38-year-old god-king can withstand the rigors of another NFL campaign. Not worrying about the departure of one of the great mercenaries of our time, nor the mountainous Wilfork who anchored the defense for the last decade. Not even about the health of the 265-pound Labrador-as-tight-end. Sh*t happens; Belichick figures it out; the Patriots win 12 games and then ruins at least one team in the playoffs.
The week following the Super Bowl is a bit of a blur. Everyone got way too drunk, especially the owner; things Julian Edelman’s grandparents weren’t supposed to see were posted to social media; Belichick frowned a bit less than usual; then Gronk decided to embark on a cross country road trip that turned corporate and endorsement-laden so fast that Pitbull’s brand manager thinks it was a bit much. Somewhere in there, everybody met the president, Gronk accused Obama of being wasted when he talked about Ballghazi, also known as Deflategate, also known as that thing people talk about while I roll my eyes while making a wanking motion.
Now war arose in the NFL, Brady and his lawyers fighting against Goodell. And Roger and his lawyers fought back, but he was defeated, and there was no longer any place for them in the NFL. And the great tyrant was thrown down, that ancient serpent, who is called the devil and Satan, the deceiver of the whole world—he was thrown out of Foxborough, and his lawyers were thrown down with him. And I heard a loud voice in Foxborough, saying, “Now is come salvation, and strength, and the kingdom of our Brady, and the power of his Gronk; for the accuser of our quarterback is cast down, which accused them before the public day and night. And they have conquered him by the power of the truth and by the word of their testimony, for they loved not their lives even unto death. Therefore, rejoice, O New England, and you who dwell in them! But woe to you, O Earth and sea, for the devil has come down to you in great wrath, because he knows that his time is short!”
Revelations Brady: 7-Brady
Free agency happened, and a bunch of good cornerbacks left to be replaced by that one dude who was photoshopped onto toast after getting ruined by Dez Bryant and that other guy from the Falcons who had that happen after every game. Guess what? Those guys are going to come in, play mediocrely, and Gerry Callahan is going to claim they’re nearly as good as Revis and should probably be in the Pro Bowl. Side note: I love Darrelle Revis. This guy is not only the best cornerback on the planet, he managed, in a league that is stacked wildly against the players, to get the Jets to tear up his rookie contract halfway through a six-year deal, outperform that contract and force a trade to the Buccaneers who made him the highest-paid CB again, then, after a year, get even more from the Patriots, win a Super Bowl, then turn around and get even more money from the Jets. Fantastic. As for the rest of free agency, their biggest signings were Jabaal Sheard, who even Browns fans needed a primer on, along with Scott Chandler and Brandon Gibson because they turn into Jason Witten and Steve Smith, respectively, when they play against us, and AFC East incest is just so sexy.
Are the Patriots a better team than last year? In a word: Nah. But who cares! Belichick will shred and rebuild the roster until they’re running a ruthlessly efficient monster that will once again compete for an NFL championship. Maybe Travaris Cadet will turn out to be Kevin Faulk good. Perhaps this is the year Danny Amendola breaks records and not down. Maybe Shaq Mason will dominate Suh so viciously that he morphs into Albert Haynesworth before our very eyes. Anyway, see you in the AFC Championship.
I don’t know if the Patriots are cheaters. All I know is that they will be good again, and the rest of us will be grumpy. I will say one thing, bless Tom Brady for sticking it to that sticky putty glob that goes by Roger Goodell.
