Dear television producers and executives of Hollywood,
I come to you today with a simple, relatively straightforward request. It’s not an unreasonable one, either. It’s one that is almost entirely within your power, and something that I believe could benefit both you and the viewing audience at home. In fact, I took an informal poll of high-volume television viewers this weekend (literally just asked myself in my own head) and the results were unanimous (I said to myself, “Yes I would like that”). This idea is a gold-stamped winner:
I would like you to make a heist show. A show about heists. Any kind of heist will do: diamond, art, billions in untraceable bearer bonds, etc. What the heist is targeting isn’t the point. The point is that the heist is happening. On television. On a heist show.
Who doesn’t love a good heist? I’ll tell you who: no one. I mean, maybe gallery owners and the companies that insure their treasures aren’t particularly fond of heists, but I bet if you got a few of them good and drunk and told them a story about a master thief who snuck into a museum in broad daylight dressed as a security guard or janitor, triggered the fire alarm, and then made off with untold millions in Picassos and such amid the confusion by rappelling down the side of the building and leaping onto the ladder of a passing firetruck that he and his henchman had secretly commandeered earlier in the day, they’d probably all admit — each and every one of them — that it sounded cool as hell. They might change their story when they sober up in the morning, but pay that no mind. You’ll already know the truth. People love heists.
But when you make the heist show, do me a favor: make it, like, a good heist show. A prestige heist show. Throw some money at it. Maybe see if you can get Noah Hawley from Fargo on it, or Shawn Ryan from The Shield and Terriers, or Graham Yost from Justified. Maybe even Soderbergh, if he promises not to Ocean’s 14 the whole thing up. Think, like, the True Detective of heist shows. That kind of quality. I mean, bless your hearts for trying, USA and TNT, but shows like White Collar and Leverage just didn’t do it for me or any other true heist aficionado. They weren’t even really “heist” shows, if we’re being honest. They were about preventing heists or using heists for good. What the hell? I respect the impulse, but … no, you guys. No. Just make a cool show about sexy criminals doing heists, okay?
Oh, and another thing. Don’t put any zombies in the heist show. I’m sure you’ll be tempted to at some point. Someone — maybe a higher-up or hot buzzy writer with a leather jacket and one or two impressive credits on his or her IMDB page — will show up during the development process and say something like “What if the thieves were zombies? Walking Dead gets great ratings, after all.” Do not listen to this person. This person has bad ideas. How would a zombie even pull off a classy gentlemanly heist? Someone would see the mangled flesh hanging off their face and make them immediately. It’ll ruin everything. I repeat: DO NOT PUT ZOMBIES IN THE HEIST SHOW.
Similarly, do not put any of the following in the heist show: dragons, superheroes from comic books, or creepy-ass serial killers. Dragons, superheroes, and serial killers are all fine and dandy plot devices, and they all certainly have their place, it’s just that their place increasingly seems to be every single show on television. You don’t need to squeeze them in here, too. And don’t try to set it amid a centuries-old medieval power struggle, either. They didn’t even have laser sensors back then. How can you have a good heist without people evading lasers? Jesus Christ, guys. Do not monkey around with the heist show. All you need is between two and five very attractive people in formalwear and something for them to steal, preferably from a highly-guarded faculty in a scenic location. It’s so easy. It’s SO easy. Don’t make it hard.
Here, let me pitch you a couple examples, just to be sure we’re on the same page:
Untitled Heist Drama – A slick, mostly serious drama about a wealthy, well-known thief — possibly named Percy Tuxedo, possibly who lives in Monaco, possibly who has a black cat that he has named after the detective who has been on his tail for the past decade — preparing for one last job before he retires for good. Think Pierce Brosnan in The Thomas Crown Affair crossed with Walter White. Or maybe Sean Connery in Entrapment. But, again, good. Limited series. Ten episodes and out.
Untitled Heist Comedy – A comedy about a master thief who has fallen on hard times and is forced to work with a crew of idiots. Clooney in Ocean’s Eleven, but he’s stuck with the gang from It’s Always Sunny. Hilarity ensues and so on and so forth. Or Silicon Valley but about heists instead of tech. I don’t know. You get the idea. Just don’t let Chuck Lorre get his hands on this one. All I ask.
So there’s a few suggestion. Feel free to use either or both. Or neither. I don’t care. You don’t even have to credit or pay me. Piling up personal accolades is not the point here. The point is getting a quality show about heists made and sent to my television or computer through the magic of fiber optics. That’s payment enough. Just make a heist show. Just make a heist show.
Thank you for your time,
DG
