Behind every great Targaryen queen is a cadre of sidepieces trying to make the line of succession about them and House of the Dragon is no different. In fact, we’d go so far as to say that this show f*cks, hard. More importantly, it lets its female characters f*ck – often and unapologetically and with multiple hotties. (Well, some of its female characters anyway. Our deepest sympathies to Alicent Hightower’s dusty old snatch.)
Is House of the Dragon the modern-day feminist’s Game of Thrones? Maybe. It’s still too soon to tell, but whether the showrunners launch a last-minute Mad Queen torpedo to the plot or not, we’d like to take some time to appreciate Rhaenyra Targaryen’s sex life because you guys, it is, as Beyonce would croon, HEATED. And varied. Like sworn knights beating each other to a pulp for a chance to worship at her altar, varied.
With so many potential f*ckbois and so little time to appreciate and enjoy them all (ugh, politics) we decided to make this ranking a F*ck, Marry, Kill ranking. You know, for science.
F*ck: Daemon Targaryen (in his slut era)
In a ruling that should surprise no one who actually watches this show, Daemon Targaryen is Westeros’ prime hunk of f*ckboi meat. His broody mood swings keep all the girls – and brother kings – on their toes. His High Valyrian pronunciations drop panties left and right. His thirst for blood and violence sparks a wholly different kind of thirst amongst fans. “But,” you gasp while clutching your dime-store pearls, “what about the incest of it all, Jessica?! Have you no shame!” No, no I do not. That’s what Matt Smith has done to me and every other girl, gay, and they watching this show. In fact, I’m not altogether sure that Otto Hightower’s intense hatred of Daemon isn’t fueled by some kind of warped lust. He smolders so hotly, even hetero men are drawn to his sexual flame. And we’re just judging Daemon in his slut era – i.e. the first five episodes of this show. Please, check in with your friends when he enters his girl dad phase because they will likely be going THROUGH IT.
Marry: Ser Harwin “Break My Bones” Strong (tie)
Ser Harwin Strong may have only gotten a handful of minutes on screen but he used them wisely, campaigning for the title of Westeros’ #1 Baby Daddy by proudly simping for his future queen and pounding Ser Criston Cole’s face like it was a prime cut of meat in need of tenderizing. The 10-year time jump meant we missed out on much (too much) of Rhaenyra and Harwin’s relationship but the few scenes we did get painted a picture of a progressive, shockingly modern family arrangement between the two and Rhaenyra’s husband, Laenor Velaryon. Harwin knew his role and was happy to play it. More than that, like Daemon, he seemed to recognize and appreciate who Rhaenyra was, choosing to protect and defend her rather than try to change her. He was devoted to his children and his death was made all the more heartbreaking because of how he was forced to leave them. Of Rhaenyra’s harem, Harwin was top-tier husband material and probably her only shot a normal and happy life – which, of course, means he couldn’t be allowed to live long on this show. But we’ll always have the memories.
Marry: Laenor Velaryon (tie)
If we were hosting a fantasy draft for gay husbands, Laenor Velaryon would be a first-round pick. Kind, honorable, supportive, and loving – he’s got all of the best qualities one could hope for in a spouse with one key added benefit: Rhaenyra never has to have sex with him. Not that it would be a chore to bed this guy. Have you seen him? No, the absence of attraction between the two is a good thing simply because it means Laenor is the one man in Rhaenyra’s life who doesn’t really expect anything from her. He’s just happy to be there, by her side as she rules Westeros, playing father to their three boys, and badmouthing Alicent Hightower when the situation calls for it — as long as he can keep a boyfriend on the side. True, his drinking and cavorting through Flea Bottom becomes a bit problematic once those pesky paternity rumors prove they just won’t die, but he regroups quickly, showing up when it matters and backing Rhaenyra’s decision to leave King’s Landing and its toxic environment. Being married to your best friend? Yeah, Laenor Velaryon invented the concept.
Kill: Ser Criston “Should’ve Castrated Himself” Cole
Most of the time, House of the Dragon is a fantasy series concerned with succession squabbles and dragon lore, but every so often it reminds us that its characters are real people with attitudes and prejudices that mirror those in our own world. In other words, Ser Criston Cole’s medieval incel arc has quickly become the most realistic thing about this series. A one-night-stand with a teenager has managed to warp this “battle-proven knight” so badly that he’s murdered an innocent man and spent the last decade of his life sulking around the Red Keep, plotting with his ex-lover’s enemy, and badmouthing her in public. And all because she wouldn’t give up her family, her birthright, and her throne to run away with him to live barefoot in some hut in Essos eating oranges? For a man who just crumbles to dust under the weight of rejection, you’d think Crispin Cole would’ve spent a bit more time perfecting his elopement pitch. As it is, Ser Crusty is somehow still a member of the Kingsguard, unleashing years of pent-up hostility on Rhaenyra’s sons and calling her a “spoiled c*nt” in broad daylight. It’s probably impossible to castrate his toxic masculinity at this point but we’d settle for someone finishing the job he started and simply cutting his junk off.
