TV

The ‘Righteous Gemstones’ Halo Report: Chaos At The Baptism

The Righteous Gemstones Halo Report is a weekly recap feature that assigns between zero and five halos to people, things, events, and general topics from each episode. There is very little to this beyond an excuse to highlight cool stuff from a good show and make jokes. And do crappy drawings of halos in MS Paint. We’re having fun.

ZERO HALOS

halo0
UPROXX

Kelvin Gemstone

gemstones KELVIN
HBO

Just a terrible week for the youngest and most muscle-obsessed Gemstone. Lowlights include:

  • Having his trip to Israel canceled on the tarmac in front of his muscle men
  • Having his muscle men denied entry to BJ’s big baptism gala
  • Getting his thumbs torn halfway off his hands by his angry father in front of his muscle men

It’s never a good thing when you leave a baptism in the back of an ambulance. Or anywhere, really. Try to stay out of ambulances. That’s the main point here. But especially if you’re at a baptism.

Getting your party bus riddled with bullets by mysterious men on dirtbikes who may or may not be tied to various underground wrestling circuits

gemstones GUNS
HBO

When did you realize things were about to go sideways here? Was it when the first dirtbike pulled up? Was it when the second dirtbike pulled up? Was it when the third and fourth dirtbike pulled up? I hope it was before that last one, just for your own sake out there in the real world. If you see two dudes in blackout helmets pull up on dirtbikes wherever you are, you need to get out of there. Maybe I’ve seen too many movies (I have), but I knew those automatic weapons were coming out the instant I saw the second bike.

Also: Do we assume here that the driver was in on it or do we think the party bus was sabotaged? Was it Junior trying to get revenge on Eli for the disrespect? Was it the Lissons out for blood after the financial betrayal? Can you even imagine how funny it would have been to see an angry and sulking Eli Gemstone riding home in that party bus by himself?

Lots to consider here.

ONE HALO

halo1
UPROXX

Jesse Gemstone

gemstones ELI
HBO

Things are not great for Jesse Gemstone either. He’s arguing with his dad and his big investment with the Lissons fell apart before they even got to pick a pool shape and his one son is probably just littering their empty house with semen-crusted underpants. The only silver lining in any of it is that his fledgling business opportunity ended in embarrassment in an ax-tossing saloon and not with his former-wrestler father mangling his thumbs at his adult brother-in-law’s 1980s-prom-ass baptism.

It’s a very thin silver lining.

Not letting us follow Levi around for a few minutes, I mean, come on

gemstones LEVI
HBO

Levi was really shining out there. Just an incredible performance. I’m sad for BJ that his big day went so poorly but I’m also sad for Levi. Levi was getting after it. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen anyone so happy.

Good for him.

TWO HALOS

halo2
UPROXX

Judy Gemstone

gemstones JUDY
HBO

Judy is maybe my favorite character on television right now. Every week, it’s something new. Hell, every scene. I saw her singing up there during the baptism and I thought that was going to be the best thing I saw all episode and then the confrontation in the bathroom happened. What a whirlwind. What an absolute tour de force. Edi Patterson is a huge star and it’s time we all start talking about it.

How long do you think she was waiting in that bathroom stall to confront KJ? I suspect it was just a couple of minutes but please do take a moment today and picture her in there for like a half-hour, busting out every time a new person enters the ladies’ room and then getting frustrated it’s not the target of her rage. What a maniac. I love her very much.

Baby Billy Freeman

gemstones billy
HBP

Baby Billy is a world-class scumbag in any number of ways, starting with him apparently abandoning his son at a pet store on Christmas in the early 1990s and extending to him apparently abandoning his extremely pregnant bride at BJ’s baptism. He’s a con man and a scoundrel and someone who deserves about six or eight different forms of comeuppance as soon as the universe gets its claws on him.

And yet.

I was so happy to see him again this week, up there singing deranged songs and sipping mojitos and just slithering around like a silver snake. Walton Goggins is an American treasure and we should treat him as such.

THREE HALOS

HALO3
UPROXX

Eli Gemstone

gemstones ELI
HBO

Eli has:

  • One useless child trying to invest in a bottomless money lagoon with slippery characters and Joe Jonas
  • One useless child throwing an elaborate baptism ball for her bashful husband to make up for a family-free Disney wedding
  • One useless child throwing money at a team of muscular Jesus men that may or may not be a cult and has no apparent purpose beyond ripping phone books in half in dramatic stage shows
  • D-list semi-professional wrestlers showing up to whip tomatoes at his SUV
  • A presumably still injured scrotum
  • A possible assault charge pending for snapping thumbs in front of dozens of witnesses

He also got both cake and a bottle of champagne whipped at or near his head. And it’s worth pointing out that this is the second event-style baptism he’s presided over that has ended in disaster, if we count the wave pool fiasco of the series premiere, which we will, always. Point being: It could be better.

The Lissons

gemstones LISSON
HBO

They are awful people, users and schemers and schmoozers of the highest caliber, ready to turn on and/or discard anyone the second they have extracted all the value they can, looking at everyone they meet the way a starving person looks at a buffet table. The world would be better off if they drowned in a kidney-shaped pool tomorrow.

I don’t care. I adore them. The line at the end about asking if Jesse and Amber could afford to pay for the drinks and free peanuts. Devastating and cruel and beautiful. I would watch an entire episode about their rise.

Aunt Tiffany

gemstones TIFF
HBO

She’s a sweet and simple girl who was born in a toilet. None of this was ever going to end well for her.

FOUR HALOS

HALO4
UPROXX

Harmon

gemstones HARMON
HBO

I want the next episode to open with an adult Harmon with the same sunglasses on and a white cat in his lap, sitting in a massive chair behind a massive desk on the top floor of a skyscraper-like a supervillain, and I want him to fire two darts straight into the eyes of a picture of Baby Billy he has on his wall, and then I want him to look straight into the camera and say “Someone has been… Misbehavin.”

Let me have this. Please.

BJ’s skeptical secular family

gemstones BJ FAM
HBO

Two things are important to note here:

  • It is always fun to introduce a relatively normal — “normal” — group of people into a show filled with lunatics because it helps to drive home and ground just how insane everyone is, all the time, sometimes in bathroom rants bc about incestual lust
  • I did not care for the mouth kissing

I do understand BJ more now, though. That was helpful.

Martin

gemstones MARTN
HBO

A good man who is often forced to deliver bad news. Everyone could use a Martin in their lives.

FIVE HALOS

HALO5
UPROXX

BJ

gemstones BJ
HBO

So many perfect little moments this week. The tiny arm flails as he was getting baptized. The nose clip he wore. The romper and cummerbund outfit that reflected all of the lights in the entire world. The strip-rage alone in the bathroom. The thing where he calls Judy “lollipop.” The single earring still hanging on despite staggering odds.

He’s the greatest. The only problem here is that it creates a troubling dilemma for me: I want only the best things in the world for him but it is relentlessly funny to watch the football of life get yoinked away from his like a pink-clad Charlie Brown every week.

I have so much to consider.

Keef

gemstones KEEF
HBO

I thought I wouldn’t see anything funnier than Keef wearing a backpack on the front of his torso as they were preparing to board the plane but then he did this little sneaky move while hunting for snacks for the muscle men.

I hope Keef and BJ team up to solve mysteries. I need to stress here that I am not joking.

This jorts-wearing wrestling heel in training who showed up in character to try to intimidate Eli in a parking garage using tomatoes and theatrics

gemstones HEEL
HBO

What a beautiful television program.

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