TV

The ‘Righteous Gemstones’ Halo Report: The Time Has Come For ‘Home Alone’ In A Hospital

The Righteous Gemstones Halo Report is a weekly recap feature that assigns between zero and five halos to people, things, events, and general topics from each episode. There is very little to this beyond an excuse to highlight cool stuff from a good show and make jokes. And do crappy drawings of halos in MS Paint. We’re having fun.

ZERO HALOS

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UPROXX

The cycle ninjas

gemstoone7
HBO

Just an outrageously poor showing by the cycle ninjas here. They rolled up on the hospital with all the subtlety of a Vegas magician, kicked in doors galore until they found the correct room, sprayed a mannequin with bullets, fired about 5000 other bullets that hit nothing and no one, and then got taken out by a failson, a sweet man in a beret, and an aspiring Hollywood stuntman who was armed only with a cattle prod.

Couple this with the first failed hit and the thing where Eli appears to be inching back toward life… really just a pathetic display of cycle ninja-ing.

Getting spanked in public in broad daylight in front of your family

gemstoone7
HBO

We’ll get to both parties involved here in more depth shortly, but for now, let’s just go ahead and say this was not a proud moment for BJ, or any of us, really.

ONE HALO

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UPROXX

Baby Billy

gemstoone7
HBO

Hmm, where do we start:

  • Bailed on Tiffany and his unborn son, repeating his past sins without even taking anyone to a pet store this time
  • Went on the saddest outlet mall shopping spree you’ve ever seen using his child bride’s credit card
  • Started selling a shady health elixir on infomercials
  • Tried to make a getaway and ended up tipping his trailer over and leaving a trail of elixir and twisted metal all over the parking lot

A classic Baby Billy performance.

Eli Gemstone

gemstoone7
HBO

On one hand, appears to be waking up after a hailstorm of bullets ripped through his car and torso. Which is good. But, on the other hand, while he was incapacitated, his idiot children moved him out of the hospital so they could engage in Home Alone-style guerilla warfare in a rented-out hospital wing with the dangerous men who tried to kill him in the first place.

In all the various universes out there, with all the possible outcomes of all the possible actions, I’ve got to believe the one we saw was the only one where any of this worked. Dozens of people should be dead.

TWO HALOS

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UPROXX

Aunt Tiffany

gemstoone7
HBO

She’s a sweet woman who can’t read and is about to have a baby whose genetic makeup is at least 50 percent crooked carnival barker, which is bad. But she did have that nice little bonding moment with Judy and Amber. That’s not nothing.

The main takeaway here is that I desperately need to see her and BJ do more detective work together and maybe even open a detective agency. Like, picture Knives Out but with the two of them in place of Daniel Craig. It’s a fun visual.

Baby Billy’s shopping spree

gemstoone7
HBO

After a great deal of thought and reflection, I have decided that the funniest purchase on this list was Sbarro. Man had a stolen credit card and could’ve gone anywhere. He chose Sbarro. I mean, honestly. That’s a beautiful little touch by this show, one of those things that tells us more about the character than a whole episode of backstory could. Crocs were a close second, followed by lunch at Cracker Barrel.

Puking, generally

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HBO

I have a weak stomach and cycled between laughter and almost puking myself during this scene, which was not ideal. I hate puking. I hope I never do it again. It’s gross.

But this was also deeply funny, especially from a show that would kick off a full-on action sequence about 30 minutes later. I respect it a lot, this commitment to just doing the stupidest thing possible sometimes, just for goofs. I am very proud of them.

THREE HALOS

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UPROXX

Kelvin

gemstoone7
HBO

Back to the bullet points:

  • Ejected from his house by muscle men
  • Still has no use of his thumbs
  • Showed up to church lunch in a cloak
  • May have prayed his dying father back to life

Lot going on with Kelvin

Keef

gemstoone7
HBO

I think maybe my favorite line of the entire night — in an episode that was littered with good lines — was Keef apologizing for his behavior because it was his “first time in a safe house situation.”

What a lovely man. I want only the best for him at all times. Stop poking him in the eye with your penises, muscle men!

Judy

gemstoone7
HBO

Judy making the full-on turn from “I’m sick of babysitting Aunt Tiffany” to “Only I can comfort her” the instant Amber showed a single dollop of compassion… yeah, that’s classic Judy Gemstone right there. One of the best to ever do it. And the worst. It’s complicated. Edi Patterson rules.

FOUR HALOS

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UPROXX

Amber

gemstoone7
HBO

Two great Amber moments this week, coming on the heels of her mowing down a cycle ninja:

  • Described Jesse as “not dumb, but dense” which was both accurate and a nice little window into that always-churning brain of hers
  • Put some real rich extra gravy on the word “congregation” while speaking to the church about Eli and the new hashtag she made

She might be the most capable person on the show. Not exactly a high bar to clear, but, like, still.

Jesse

gemstoone7
HBO

Somehow, against truly staggering odds, his plan worked almost flawlessly, save a ninja star in a head or two. That’s… kind of incredible. They really defeated all the cycle ninjas after he flipped out and sent the mercenaries home. Again, it was a borderline Home Alone situation at the end there, with Jesse in the role of Kevin McAllister. And he got to shoehorn in the information about Martin’s family he learned but should have already known. Lots of little victories here.

I am kind of excited to see him explain all this to Eli, though. Strikes me as one of those things that sounds a lot worse when you lay it all out. I can see Eli’s face now. You can, too, if you close your eyes for a second.

Stove soup

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HBO

Makes the whole house smell good. Love some stove soup.

FIVE HALOS

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UPROXX

BJ

gemstoone7
HBO

Yes, he got spanked by Baby Billy and got called Dr. Dipwad by Jesse and ended the night with a throwing star embedded in his skull, but the important thing was that he was there. BJ was there for the showdown. And he was jazzed about it. I love him very much.

Did I want to see him maybe acquire an automatic weapon and a dirtbike and screech around the hospital hunting goons like Rambo? Look, yes, of course I did. But it’s important to set realistic goals here. That was never going to happen. This was the best we could have hoped for.

Martin

gemstoone7
HBO

Martin rules. I cheered when he yelled at everyone during church lunch. And then there was his little beret. There is so much more to him than we’ve seen to date. I have no doubt he still knows how to dispose of a body. Martin fascinates me.

Gideon

gemstoone7
HBO

A few episodes ago, the show tossed in a seemingly pointless scene where Amber was lighting up a shooting range, only to pay it off later with her mowing down one of the cycle ninjas. This week, a few episodes after a seemingly pointless scene where Gideon showed up at home on a dirtbike he was doing airborne tricks on, he used his mastery of the dirtbike to take out the remaining cycle ninjas like he was freaking John Wick or something. This show has many layers. That’s my point here.

Also, did you see his face at the end? That look of satisfaction he had, not long after telling his parents he felt his purpose was somewhere else? I hope this means he becomes the head of security for the entire Gemstone operation. I hope he gets a whole fleet of dudes on dirtbikes, too. I want to see him kick Torsten off the property. By force. Or by dirtbike race. Either way.

I want to see other things, too. Like who is behind the cycle ninjas. (My money is still on the Lissons.) But definitely this, too. And preferably less vomit. Those two things, mostly. It’s not an unreasonable list.

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