My grandpappy always used to say that the key to success is to constantly keep an eye out for new opportunities and not be afraid to strike when the time is right. Of course, he was referring to mugging people in dark alleys with a concealed banana masquerading as a gun, but I found that his words apply even to life’s many non-criminal endeavors. Thus, taking gramps’ wisdom to heart, I decided now’s the perfect time to strike at the very scrotum of modern pop culture and make my name known for generations to come. That’s right: I designed my own video game!
I’d love nothing more than to congratulate myself on how clever and incredibly well endowed I am, but when you really think about it the idea seems painfully obvious. What’s one of the best selling games for the PlayStation? The God of War Series. One of the hottest DVDs this year? Percy Jackson & The Olympians. How much did the Clash of the Titans remake gross at the theaters? Nearly half a billion, Zeus H. Christ, dollars. And finally, do you know what binds all of those franchises together? Yup! They are all very horrible!
But seriously, it’s obviously the fact that they all base themselves on Greek mythology, even if they do take a certain amount of liberties with their source material (that amount being humongoriffic). When I realized that, I immediately thought to myself: “Hey, I own a book on Greek mythology and I have absolutely no qualms about disrespecting ancient religions, so maybe I too could be filthy rich?” The answer was obviously “Yes.” Here’s what I had in mind: