Things That Will Get Charlie Sheen Killed In Jail

By: 06.16.10  •  9 Comments

Most people travel to Aspen, Colorado for the opportunity at skiing one of its many award winning, winter resorts. Though a select and dedicated few choose to venture the Centennial State’s terrain for the chance to partake in one of the location’s longest lasting traditions: The ‘Ol Fashioned Christmas Day Knife Threatening. *hacks tobacco wad into rusted spittoon*. Now there are two types of winter wonderlanders in Aspen: there’s A) Charlie Sheen and then there’s B) everyone else. I’ll give you as many guesses as you need, in order for you to figure out how Charlie Sheen chose to spend his December 2009 vacation.

Oh, hey cool, look: a conveniently placed video for this article…

The start of this clip sounds like a rap metal album.

These days, the only place that’s heard the name Charlie called out more than a courtroom is Vietnam. Whether the man will ever actually face jail time is yet to be determined, though if the heavy handed gavel of the law ever does drop atop Carlos Irwin Estévez’s haircut, you can rest assured the man is going to need a few pointers on surviving in the slammer. Have I ever been to jail, you ask? Well, no I haven’t, but I do watch Gangland on A&E, so I’ve got that going for me…also, I’m pretty sure that out of all my friends, I’m certainly the one who’s spent the most time in a mens only public shower.

Getting his jail haircut a la Ricky “Wild Thing” Vaughn:

The last thing sheen wants to do while serving time on the inside is to stand out from the rest of his cohabitants. One minute he’s getting a cool haircut from the jail barber and the next he’s catching balls like his name was Yogi Berra. Best thing for Charlie would be to take the standard shave that our penitentiaries offer and then fade into the lunchroom walls the best he can. If Sheen is truly hurting to style a head of hair for 30 days, I’d suggest he focus on his pubes and shampoo accordingly.

Self-advertising in an effort to promote the Charlie Sheen persona:

If there’s one thing that inmates hate, it’s someone else with a boisterous personality and unkissable lips (I’ve held research, dudes). Right now, this paragraph is mainly focusing on the personality portion of that last sentence. No doubt, Sheen will want to exude his cavalier attitude on the inside walls of his temporary, state-run home, while also promoting his presence as a celebrity. The media would love his antics and his agent would be thankful for the new fans, but certainly the hype would in no way be worth getting stabbed with a Folgers coffee lid over.

Sneaking out for work release:

Look Sheen, how do you expect to gain any street cred, if you plan on leaving the jail for several hours a day to go work? Sh-t man, that ain’t serving time, that’s just hanging out. My suggestion is to buckle down and take a jail job in the lunch room. That way, when the Puerto Ricans start battling the whites, you won’t have to worry, because you’re the dude who served the cornbread that day. And everybody loves that dude.

Hollering “Wolverines!” in the shower:

It’s bad enough to have to shower with the constant paranoia that you have no idea how lonely some of your fellow inmates are, but add to that the startled excitement of a Matt Eckert freedom cry and you’re bound to get your ass kicked. Don’t get me wrong, Red Dawn is a great f–king movie, but even I don’t want Charlie Sheen distracting me while I’m soaping up my favorite guy’s shoulders. No homo.

Giving advice on auto insurance:

Look, the facts are the facts and in this case that means: people love the sh-t out of stealing Charlie Sheen’s cars and wrecking them. I mean, the guy must have been a real sh-thead in his past life for something like this to happen so often to him. Anyway, if Sheen knows what’s good for him, he’ll stay tight lipped about offering any auto insurance advice. For starters, some of the dudes that he’ll be locked up with are probably responsible for stealing at least one of the vehicles. And second, Charlie should first back a knife product before he pursues any other celebrity endorsements.

Like a giant black hole of weirdness, Charlie Sheen seems to attract attention from every corner of the Earth, both good and bad. Held responsible or not, some pretty go–amn ridiculous claims have been filed against the actor. Whatever his charm may be, the guy seems to be able to squeak by any situation using nothing more than a smile and a wink. I just hope that same maverick attitude still exists after cuddling up close with some of the horniest dudes that Sheen has ever had the chance of meating meeting.

Name dropping Emilio Estevez:

The most dangerous thing that Charlie Sheen could ever consider doing while spending his time on the inside, would be name dropping his own brother into conversations. It’s the proverbial road flair being waved in front of the tyrannosaurus rex. I’ll admit, I loved Men at Work in 1990, but you also have to consider the fact that the same year I was also into Frasier -it was a f–ked up time, bro. I don’t know, maybe it’s just the fact that a concept like Men at Work doesn’t really transcend to an audience that makes toilet moonshine.

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