Tyler Perry is often criticized (mostly by me) for being very repetitive and ultimately unoriginal. But he’s sure putting us critics in our place with the upcoming It Had to Be Murder, based on the 1942 short story of the same name by Cornell Woolrich. That story, of course, inspired Alfred Hitchcock’s Rear Window, the Shia LaBeouf turd blossom Disturbia, and the legendary lady scream of Ned Flanders.
The story is about a wheelchair-bound man who spies on his neighbors, eventually busting one man for murdering his bedridden wife. Yeah, I know, spoiler alert. I’m sure Perry will add a unique twist to his version. Like, the main character will be a hard-working man with a sassy wife and a zany neighbor who always drops by unexpectedly, wearing wacky clothes. And he’ll have a gigantic transvestite mother. Very funny.
Give me your lunch money, Pajiba:
The good news here is that Perry is only producing. The bad news is that he’s producing through his shingle, 34th Street Films, which he specifically started to bring in other writers and directors to extend Perry’s brand. Which is to say, he wants to develop a Rear Window that appeals to the sentiment of his demographic. In other words, we can look forward to Madea in a wheelchair.
Even Hitchcock and Disturbia director DJ Caruso had the creative sense to change the name. Then again, Perry inexplicably grosses $8 bajillion per film, so who the hell am I to question his decisions? The film hasn’t been cast yet, but I’m sure it will have Idris Elba, Oprah, Janet Jackson, Ice Cube, and Neil Patrick Harris playing the corny white police officer.
Look, this movie has been done and done, and the first person to do it was the master of suspense. Give me something I can work with, Tyler. For once, let’s make a version of this film that takes place in a dorm for big-breasted, bisexual cheerleader strippers. And they’re mute. And afterward they make me a sandwich and let me watch sports. And their fathers are wealthy and in prison. What’s that, Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences? Why yes, I will accept a Lifetime Achievement Award for the most awesome idea ever.