The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 4/28/14: I Am Damien Sandow, Master Of Magnet

By: 04.29.14  •  91 Comments

Best: The Value In Sticking Around Just A Little Longer

This might’ve been Roman Reigns’ best singles match to date, but I won’t praise him too much for it, because it also still revolved around what his swat pals were up to. When Flair came out with five minutes left in the hour and talked for the entirety of it I thought, “oh, cool, we’re just gonna hurl these guys at each other immediately and the ref’s gonna go OH BOTHER and throw it out.” I wasn’t entirely wrong, but at least we got a little pro graps before the now trademark I’VE LOST ALL CONTROL AND WON’T CONSIDER DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT thrown-out main.

UXswJvPWhat I liked is that they built to what you’d expect to be the ending to Raw, then subverted it. I do Raw results and get them up as the show’s ending, so when Evolution was thoroughly trouncing The Shield I wrote something like, “Evolution beats down the Shield and stands over them to end the show.” Before I could publish, Seth Rollins comes springboarding into the ring with a flying knee … and while it didn’t connect or anything, it turned the tide and the show ended a beatdown with a rally and a comeback. How often does THAT happen? It was exciting. It felt like a real pro wrestling “fight,” and made the teams seem like equals. That’s more exciting than any switching off of one-sided wins and losses. It allows me to debate which team’s gonna come out on top, and that makes me want to watch Extreme Rules. See how that works?

That’s another version of “you don’t have to show your work.” Have stuff happen, but don’t feel like you have to have the fight happen to sell a fight. If Mayweather’s boxing somebody, he doesn’t make you buy a pay-per-view by boxing that guy four or five times beforehand to “build drama.” Drama is in the anticipation of the fight. Stuff like last night’s Shield/Evolution brawl built anticipation, because neither team was the clear victor. It also helped both sides look strong, but allowed them a small amount of vulnerability.

Next week, Triple H should have a promo interrupted by 50 children in swat vests and dog masks.

Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night


“Say something stupid, Seth!”


Calling it now: Barrett wins Money in the Bank match via his scissor lift podium.


Cena: “Maybe I’m an old fashioned guy. I think dark stuff is bad for kids. I know I’m not for everybody, especially cynical adults, but I really do believe that a message of never giving up is important for today’s youth. Also, I think we should worship the sun and moon as gods, and fear them.”
Renee: “Wait…what was that last part?”
Cena: “Like I said, I’m just an old fashioned guy.”

Ape Cavalry Deserter

Kane actually pulled Nikki below the mat. That’s called the prestige.


Triple H to Stephanie: “Why are you taking pictures with DEMONS?! WHY? You can associate with demons, but don’t broadcast it. Don’t bring them to our wrestling events.”


Stephanie, prove your sincerity. Give them that Bed, Bath & Beyond gift card!!

Fancy Catsup

Rob Van Dam says his own name more than a goddamned Pokemon.

Smooth Jimmy Apollo

The ending of The Streak is totally Heyman’s “Four touchdowns in a single game” moment, isn’t it?


Poor Zach Ryder is quietly weeping in his Sabertooth costume


“When Sheamus attacks a black wrestler from behind, it’s national news. Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, even President Obama weigh in. But when Titus O’Neil attacks a defenseless white wrestler, in this case Sheamus, from behind, there’s a disturbing yet profound silence. Where’s Al Sharpton? Where’s Jeese Jackson? Where’s the president?” – Megyn Kelly

“And coming up…two punks…rich, privileged…attack a mentally retarded man. For what? For dressing as his favorite super hero…(Appalling)…And to make matters worse. These jokers are being applauded by their peers. Another case of ‘affluenza.’ We’ll discuss it next…on The Kelly File.” – Megyn Kelly

“Up next…are these the new liberal definition of ‘American hero?’ A Jewish stereotype and a Swiss national being lauded by the left for their takedown of two patriotic Americans who dared to speak their minds. That’s coming up…on The Kelly File.” – Megyn Kelly

“More than a dozen dead in Missouri tonight, and WWE plays…get this…a tornado warning siren in the middle of their popular ‘Monday Evening Raw’ program. Talk about irresponsibility….so is this the equivalent of shouting ‘fire’ in a crowded theater, and should there be charges for WWE chairman Vince McMahon stemming from this? Charles Krauthammer stops by to weigh in on the controversy. Next!…on The Kelly File.” – Megyn Kelly

“And coming up…an immigrant, a man who doesn’t even speak English…distracted by an African-American, only to be attacked from behind by another African-American. What follows is a heinous 2-on-1 assault. The shocking and disturbing video…next! On The Kelly File.” – Megyn Kelly

Megyn Kelly: And finally tonight…a national television program is showcasing the conflict between a religious group and a divorced Massachusetts man who lives with his out-of-wedlock, reality-show-star girlfriend…Of course, guess who’s being portrayed as the ‘bad guy’ here?…The religious group, whose biggest crime is singing Christian hymns on national television, are portrayed as stereotypical inbred hillbillies, complete with Southern accents, and are being shown more as a cult, complete with undertones of child molestation and indoctrination of the young…But the guy living with his reality-show-star, fake-breasted girlfriend? The one who doesn’t want kids? The one who, for all we know, has never set foot inside a church? Yeah…he’s the good guy. Joining me now is Juan Williams, and Juan…I don’t even know where to begin.

Juan WIlliams: Well, Megyn, in John Cena’s defense, he’s also granted more than 400 wishes to sick children through the Make-A-Wish Foundation. In fact, three of those youngsters were given front-row seats by Mr. Cena to last Monday’s program.

Megyn Kelly: I don’t have that here, but I’m guessing that’s inaccurate.

Juan: Uhhh…It’s completely accurate.

Megyn Kelly: Yeah. Sure it is. And presuming it is…a big presumption, granted…I wonder who the real child molester is…..Really makes you think. What is this country coming to?….

Thanks for reading, everybody. See you next week. – Megyn Kelly

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