David Wells, the aging, overweight diabetic who last year was stricken with gout, returned to the mound last night as a Dodger, spinning five innings of work to get the victory in a 6-2 win over the Mets. The highlight of the night may very well have been the 44-year-old's bunt single in the fifth inning (thanks to commenters TEXAS and Camp Tiger Claw, who noted that he also probably knows more about bundt cakes and gunts than bunts). Wells described his performance and state of well being after the game as such:
"I might not look sexy, but I feel sexy."
If I've learned anything from Oprah, it's that "sexy" has nothing to do with your appearance and everything to do with your confidence and self-esteem. Which is probably why she has a show that appeals to fatass Midwestern housewives, because nobody sitting on their couch watching TV wants to be told that they're ugly as hell. But I'm here to break it to you: if you like watching Oprah, you're not only fat, but also a complete simpleton. How you've survived this long is a mystery.