You’ve had some time to clear your heads a little and settle your emotions after Sunday night’s Season 5 finale of Game of Thrones. It was certainly intense, and people reacted strongly in a number of ways. Some were shocked, others saddened, and the Twitter mob was offended and unruly for several reasons. The book readers had a hearty laugh over what they’ve known all along, while the TV-only crowd simply sat there wondering how the hell the show’s creators could do that to the character we’ll get to in a moment.
While we’ve already handled the big questions surrounding the season finale, we wanted to look forward at Season 6 and see if we can’t collectively wonder what the hell will happen next for our favorite characters and that asshole Ramsay. Obviously, it’s impossible to predict what may happen as the story veers away from the books, but that’s why we call ourselves experts.
So, what’s up with Jon Snow? Is he really dead and done? Is Kit Harington telling the truth that he won’t be coming back? Melisandre is going to save him, right? What should happen with those dicks at the Night Watch?
Stacey: No, he’s not permanently dead. I refuse to believe it, no matter what Kit Harington, Weiss, and Benioff say. What are they going to do, put out a statement that says, “No, really, guys. Jon Snow is totally dead LOL *winky face*.” As far as how he comes back, it can’t be a coincidence that Melisandre came swooping back to the Night’s Watch right before it happened. The only question is if he’ll come back as Jon Snow or something else.
And those dicks who stabbed him should become White Walker food.
Danger: Working theory: Jon Snow is dead but he comes back as a spooky ghost that haunts The Wall. Moving people’s wine cups, pulling chairs out as they’re trying to sit down, etc. Real goofy. Like the bitter older ghosts in the old Casper movie starring Christina Ricci.
Burnsy: As much as I loved the hilarious reactions, and regardless of what Kit Harington and the show’s creators want us to believe, Jonny Boy ain’t dead. It’s as obvious as Olly being a stabby dick that Melisandre will eventually save him like that priest saved that one dude who died six times. From there, he’ll be in her debt (sexually?) and probably responsible for fulfilling the Lord of Light’s prophecy or legacy or whatever, even if it’s the last thing he wants to do. I’m hoping that his resurrection comes with a hot blond or red streak in his hair, as if to say he powered up. Of course, this probably won’t happen until Season 7 or maybe the Season 6 finale, since Harington thinks he can pick and choose his movie roles now (hello, Pompeii 2!), so we can at least look forward to the opening of the first episode, as Ghost f*cking tears the Night Watch conspirators to shreds.
Josh: Yeah, and Khan won’t be in Into Darkness. The answer to this question would have been more difficult 20 years ago, when we were blissfully ignorant about what happens BEHIND THE SCENES. But it’s 2015, and we know Kit Harington signed a contract through Season 7 and his filmography is pretty bare. Granted, that could be because he’s not a great actor, but I’m choosing to believe it’s because he’s going to put on his 20-pound coat in 2016. And 2017. Someone’s gotta warn the world about the White Walkers, and it ain’t gonna be that termite Olly.
What the hell was going on with Arya’s wacky vision problems? That was pretty rad how she got revenge on Meryn Trant, right? So, what’s going to happen with her and the Many-Faced God next?
Burnsy: I predict that Arya is going to “forget” who she is for probably the length of the season, until her training is complete and she’s able to kill as Jaqen H’ghar prefers. I mean, you can’t just go using the power of the Many-Faced God to bust into brothels and kill perverts, even if the pervert in question is No. 1 on your Must Kill List. Or maybe the whole “going blind” thing was Jaqen wiping her memory clean before she’ll be dumped on the side of the road to fend for herself again. Whatever happens, Arya will probably kill some more scumbags because she’s becoming very good at that. She’s like a more effective Chris Hansen.
Stacey: I see a lot more sweeping in Arya’s future, which is probably going to be annoying because she won’t be able to see the parts of the floor she’s already swept. But she’s still ultimately on the path to becoming a badass assassin, which will only be more badass now that she’ll be a blind assassin.
Josh: A Girl’s sight will return, but her not-listening-to-Jaqen nature won’t. Arya’s aware of the full extent of his mystical powers now, and by aware, I mean terrified. She’s seen a lot of sh*t in her days, and now she’s seeing nothing. I think her blindness is a temporary punishment. Come next season, it’ll be back, and although she’ll continue to mop around the House of Black and White for a bit, Arya will leave, with Needle in tow, before her training’s complete. It’s not in her nature to remain in one place. She can’t be No One. She’s Arya Stark.
Danger: As someone who hasn’t read the GOT books, all I can say is that I look forward to seeing how Arya kills Wilson Fisk. (Have you watched Daredevil on Netflix yet? Jesus Christ. Watch Daredevil.)
When we left Sansa and the Smelly Coward Formerly Known as Theon Greyjoy, they were pulling a Richard Kimble and leaping from the top of Winterfell. Um, did they land okay? Did Theon break his ass bone falling on a potted cactus? How about Sansa? Is something finally going to happen to her that doesn’t depress everyone and outrage politicians?
Danger: Says a lot about Sansa that she leaped to her possible death from the top of a castle hand-in-hand with a castrated man who she thought was responsible for burning her brothers to death until very recently, and it was the best and most hopeful thing that happened to her all season. Poor Sansa.
Burnsy: Season 6 has to be the Season of Sansa. It has to be. For five seasons, this poor girl’s life has been a complete mess, so it’s time for Brienne to rescue her and teach her all about kicking ass and taking names, specifically Boltons. I have a sneaking suspicion that she’s going to spend the first few episodes trying to rehab Theon’s broken brain, as if he’s a sympathetic figure. Bottom line: Theon’s gonna die a gnarly death. Sure, it will probably be in the act of defending Sansa or possibly killing Ramsay, but I’m not so sure about the latter yet. That’s not really a one-person job at this point in that awful character’s arc.
Stacey: I had to go back and re-watch this scene. It looks like Sansa and Theon fell from about the same height Bran fell from in the first season, only now with all that snow to cushion their fall, I guess they’ll survive somehow. If they injured themselves, Ramsey would be on them immediately, which would make the whole scene of Theon finally choosing his sister over his own self preservation pointless, and I think both characters need a win at this point.
This has got to lead to Sansa reuniting with Brienne, who will finally get to fulfill her promise to Catelyn. I bet Sansa is going to feel pretty bad about not coming with her in the first place, though.
Josh: To Burnsy’s point, I thought this season was going to be the Season of Sansa. Nope. It was the Season of Sansa’s Misery, which honestly, could be every season of this show. It sucks that her jump with Reek was a Theon redemption story, but I bet they limp away and find Stannis’ body. Remember, Tywin was in the Season 5 premiere. Who doesn’t love seeing a dead bad dad? From there, Theon, after some emotional rehabilitation, will save Sansa again, or something. It doesn’t matter how it happens, as long as he’s dead. Theon may not have killed the Stark boys, but he murdered SOMEONE’s boys. The North (and me) remembers.
If we thought Ramsay was the worst ever before, how much worse will he be after he scrapes his girlfriend off the cold ground? He’s gonna be a new level of awful, right?
Burnsy: Ramsay will die at some point during Season 6 and it’s going to be glorious. It’ll be so good that we’re all going to want to lay back and vape from the incredible satisfaction. How will it happen? Only the creators know, but I’m hoping it’s a group effort led by Sansa. Theon and Brienne will get in on the fun, and maybe even Yara returns to get some shots in. Hell, Lord Bolton will probably stand by and allow it to happen, because even he knows that Ramsay is a huge dick. Serious question, though: What are the odds that Ramsay is going to kill Walda and his unborn brother? Gotta be the safest bet for Season 6.
Stacey: Oh, he gon’ be mad.
Josh: Joffrey was fun to hate. He may have tortured women, killed our heroes, and thrown things at Sigur Rós, but dammit, remember that Tyrion slapping video? Ramsay doesn’t have a Tyrion slapping GIF moment. He’s just a straight-up monster, with no redeemable features. Here’s my terrible fan-fiction: The White Walkers make their way to Castle Black, murder EVERYONE (except Davos and Melisandre), and move onto Winterfell, where the Night’s King stabs his ice-penis into Ramsay’s brain. They’re both evil, but at least one of them has a cool GIF.
Did Brienne actually fulfill her death sentence of Stannis? If he’s still alive, why? What purpose does he serve with his family and soldiers dead?
Danger: The showrunners have said Stannis is dead, but a show that spent all season showing us graphic and horrible displays of violence suddenly skipping a kill shot smells fishy. Maybe he and Jon can be zombie/ghost pals if he is dead.
Burnsy: A friend of mine thinks that the quick cutaway from Brienne issuing her death sentence to Stannis to Ramsay slaying already dying soldiers meant that Brienne was being attacked, too. I predict that Podrick stopped her mid-swing and convinces her that they can use Stannis as trade bait for Sansa, which is a bad idea since they don’t know that Sansa has escaped. So Ramsay’s probably going to make a dickhead deal with Brienne and then capture her, opening the opportunity for him to torture yet another one of the show’s kind-hearted characters. But Brienne will be the second to escape him, and she’ll catch up to Sansa and the wheels will begin rolling on Ramsay’s demise. I really hope I’m right, because I hate Ramsay so much.
Stacey: It was disappointing that they cut away to leave it slightly ambiguous, but I think Stannis almost definitely met the business end Brienne’s sword. Melisandre has a new project to work on now.
Josh: When asked why we didn’t Brienne put a “finish him” move on Stannis, director David Nutter told Variety, “I think that was basically in the script. Dan and David felt it best not to be gratuitous with that. You really got a sense that Stannis had nothing else to live for. Brienne’s life-long mission had come to an end. It’s a situation in which Stannis was ready to die and prepared to die. It would have been gratuitous.” So, he’s dead? That’s probably for the best — he would have been a useless husk of a character, but oh man, I’m going to miss that actor. If GoT ever takes Davos’ voice away from me, I riot.
So… Cersei. Hoo boy. Does Westeros have a good therapist? Is that part of FrankenMountain’s new programming? Would you take life advice from Dr. Frank N. Mountain, MD? Is emo King Tommen going to stop pouting in his room and do something about his wife being kept in the High Sparrow’s prison? Like, does Tommen know he has an army that will do just about anything he says? He should probably do something about that jerk Sparrow, right?
Burnsy: Honestly… I have no clue what happens from here. I assume that the High Sparrow and Lancel are in deep doodies, as they’ll have FrankenMonster coming to avenge Cersei’s punishment. What’ll be interesting is whether or not, in the process of exacting revenge, the Mountain releases Margaery and Loras on command from King Tommen, because those two must be close to death. But I’m gonna predict that the revenge won’t come until Margaery and Loras are actually on trial, because we can’t have all this talk about the trials without actually seeing one. Either way, if I’m predicting the grizzliest murders of Season 6, it goes Ramsay as the clear cut No. 1 death, with the High Sparrow in a distant second.
Stacey: Tommen is going to continue being inadequate in every possible way, but now that Cersei is going to be out for revenge, she’ll probably be the one pulling the strings again. It would be in her own best interests to rescue Queen Margaery, so she at least has the support of the Tyrells to take on the High Sparrow, but Cersei is not known for the kind of sound and rational decision making that benefits her long game.
Danger:
CERSEI: … so I guess, really, this all goes back to my father. Does that make sense?
DR. MOUNTAIN: glurrrggghhhhbbbbeeerrrrrgggg
CERSEI: Exactly.
Or maybe proven badass Queen Tyrell can do something about rescuing Queen Margaery. After all, she had Joffrey murdered and the blame laid within his own family. That’s super baller. Will she stop issuing threats and f*ck Westeros up already?
Burnsy: In conjunction with my prediction for the High Sparrow’s murder, I assume that Queen Tyrell will make good on her threat to cut Westeros off so people will starve in the streets while the Lannisters get in trouble with the Iron Bank. Then, Margaery and Loras will be “rescued” on Cersei’s order, and all will once again be well between the two houses, even though it was Cersei’s horrible plan that got them all in this trouble in the first place. We’re looking ahead here, however, so I will assume that Cersei’s next plan will be even dumber and deadlier.
Stacey: God, we can only hope.
Are Jaime and Trystane going to turn the boat around and find out why Myrcella was killed or are they just like, “Eh, sh*t happens?” (Also, was anyone else bothered by how cool Myrcella was with finding out that she was an incest baby? Like, too cool with it? To the point that it was really awkward?)
Danger: That was easily the weirdest part of the finale. How messed up does your entire life have to be for you to figure out your uncle is your secret dad and respond “Hmm. Okay?” And then she was the one consoling him about it? Only possible explanation is that the lipstick poison was laced with uncut opium. Which would have actually been kind of a sweet touch by her assassins, all things considered.
Burnsy: I’m told people have been really disappointed in how the Dorne story unfolded, and I understand it because I thought it was mostly boring (Bronn’s new love story is fantastic, though). So I’m guessing that Season 6 will make up for it by Jaime taking Trystane hostage for a brief period before Trystane chooses to join the King Slayer in seeking revenge against his own family for killing his bride. Basically, the Martells and Lannisters are never ever going to stop fighting, unless they all eventually kill each other. I figure we’re good for another four seasons of that.
Stacey: Jaime wouldn’t just turn the boat around without reinforcements, because look how well that turned out for him the first time he and Bronn tried to take Dorne by surprise. He’ll probably go back to King’s Landing to assemble an army, at which point he’ll realize that everything has gone to hell in the time that he was gone, which might complicate revenge plans. To be honest, I have no idea how the Lannisters are even still in power at this point.
How many people will the White Walkers and the Night’s King kill along the way? Will that nice Wildlings mom who is now a zombie still find happiness with her children?
Burnsy: What I love about this show is how clueless all of the houses and people are about the presence of the White Walkers. Even the dicks at the Wall are willing to kill their leader over dumb stuff when he just got a “Come at me, bro” from the Night’s King. At some point, everyone is going to become aware of this incredible ice zombie menace, but that realization is probably still two seasons away because of how slow these dead idiots travel. I have two predictions for the White Walkers in Season 6: 1) Alliser Thorne is going to be torn to shreds and it will be glorious; and 2) One recurring character will end up becoming a White Walker. Easy money says Tormund, but I’m going with the Mountain. Why not? Let’s make him a Stone Man, too. Hell, he can even be a dragon if they want to get really freaky. By the end of the series, it’s just a winged Mountain flying around eating people.
Stacey: Serious question: Why haven’t the White Walkers taken Castle Black yet? They’re a supernatural army that can only be killed by two methods known to man, and they have the power to reanimate the dead. The Wildlings were able to do some pretty serious damage in Season 4, and all they had was, like, a giant. Next season, the White Walkers will have to take the wall (see: “White Walker food”), but reanimated Jon Snow and Melisandre will probably go flying off into the sky or something and escape just in the nick of time.
At that point, it would make sense for the White Walker army to make its way down to Winterfell, where they’ll turn Ramsay into Super Ramsay because this show hates us.
Is Dany in trouble with the seriously bored horsemen who acted like one girl in the middle of their land deserved to be surrounded by every horse that they had? Are they Dothraki and welcoming their queen home? Or are they some new people that will make it even harder to follow?
Danger: YOU HAD ONE JOB, DROGON. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.
Burnsy: I’m assuming that whoever these easily excited people turn out to be, they will be won over by Dany’s charm and beauty, and then they’ll end up joining her army. I hope for the sake of my dumb brain that they’re Dothraki people that she didn’t know about, because that would make following the story easier. I can’t handle another tribe name. I’m like Kelly Bundy when she was on that sports trivia show, so if I have to learn another name, I’ll probably forget my dog’s name or that time Al Bundy scored four touchdowns in one game for Polk High.
Stacey: Whether or not the horsemen are Dothraki, warriors who aren’t dicks usually don’t dramatically surround a single unarmed girl in the fashion that they did. I could see a big part of the Season 6 storyline being Daario and Jorah attempting to rescue Dany from them.
Josh: The Dothraki (and I believe they’re Dothraki) don’t take kindly to outsiders, so that was smart thinking on Dany’s part to drop her ring. They’ll capture her at first, until that lazy Drogon shows up, does his dragon thing, and she takes over the khalasar. They’ll unfortunately head backwards rather than toward Westeros, though I bet that’s because she needs boats to get home (the Dothraki facing their fear of the sea is an issue for another day). I can’t take another season of “Mhysa! Mhysa! Mhysa!”
What’s going to happen to Daario and Jorah when they finally find Dany and her new friends? Will Jorah finish becoming a Stone Man first?
Burnsy: We’re going to have a Return of the Jedi moment when Dany has to explain to her new savage friends that Jorah and Daario are totally cool. Of course, I’m assuming that Jorah and Daario will stumble upon quite a few new adventures and foes along the way, with everything culminating in Jorah reaching his final days of normalcy before he becomes a Stone Man. I’m still not sure what that entails, but I assume it means he becomes mindless and violent, and he also loses the ability to swim. Those jackasses sunk like, well, stones when they attacked Tyrion. And if I’m a little ballsier with my bets, I’m going to guess that Dany’s friends have the cure that Jorah needs. Or Jorah will just die an awful death, because I’ve clearly fallen into George R.R. Martin’s trap of liking characters too much.
Stacey: Jorah will probably sacrifice himself saving Daenerys, but then, as he lays dying, he’ll probably be like, “No, it’s cool, I have the grey scale anyway.” And she’ll probably be sad and mourn him, but the whole thing will be pretty poetic in the end.
Danger: Just hear me out here: Spin-off. Daario and Jorah out roaming the world like a swashbuckling odd couple, with Jorah constantly seething about Daario’s laid back attitude and perfect hair, attempting to hide his secret spreading stone-iness in the process. You’d watch. We can call it a companion series and roll them back together in a few years. I dunno.
Will Tyrion be able to lead the people of Meereen with Varys, Missandei, and Grey Worm? Have we seen the last of the Sons of the Harpy?
Burnsy: I don’t see how this angle is going to please anyone, other than those of us who like the ongoing banter between Tyrion and Varys. Otherwise, why can’t Tyrion get out to see the world some more? We’ve seen him try to lead a city in dangerous times and it was great, but it’s really awesome when Tyrion is put in situations where he was to slice a masked dude’s throat or talk his way out of a stop at the cock merchant’s place. I predict that Tyrion’s governing in Meereen will be very boring. Boo.
Danger: My favorite thing about the developments in Mereen is that it’s basically turned into a serious version of Veep, with an eloquent and profane second lifelong banana being thrust into power along with a mismatched team of ragtag staff members. Grey Worm is Jonah.
Stacey: If it were just Tyrion, Missandei, and Grey Worm, I would say no. But with the addition of the shrewd Varys, I think they’ve got this, at least for the time being. Sons of the Harpy, while mostly flambeed, will probably still be around to pose challenges, especially with Dany temporally out of commission.
How will Sam and Gilly factor into the series moving forward? Did they get the honor of being the only characters who weren’t killed off and get to leave on their own?
Burnsy: Sam and Gilly will open their own little B&B, where characters will occasionally swing by for some good cooking and friendly accommodations during Season 6. I’m guessing that starts with Melisandre escaping Castle Black with Jon Snow and Sam being the only person that can be trusted while Jon recovers or whatever. I hope it’s a cooler process than that, because I don’t want to see Sam crying over a mummified body like, “Oh, Jon. You always come back, you’re my only friend, guess what, I had sex again, Jon!” When all is said and done, Sam and Gilly will be the last characters alive at the end of the series finale… until a random boulder crushes their home with them inside.
Stacey: Wait, where were they headed off to again? Sam has basically an adopted son with his name, and he finally even got to have sex. I am fine with assuming that Sam and Gilly live happily ever after, if such a thing even exists in the Game of Thrones universe.
Remember Bran and Hodor? What are they gonna be up to a full season later?
Burnsy: Probably a lot. My guess is Bran can turn into animals with a lot more ease now. That should come in handy if he ever runs into his remaining family members again. Maybe that will happen in Season 6.
Stacey: They’re still hiding from wights in a cave somewhere, right? I hope puberty has been kind, because: Dirtstaches are coming.
Danger: I hope the entire season premiere is someone sitting Bran and Hodor down and explaining everything that happened this season.
Josh: Hodor.
