In middle school, I would occasionally feign illness so I could stay home and watch “The Jerry Springer Show,” which celebrates 20 years on the air this Friday. What attracted me to the show is that it held nothing back. “Maury,” “The Montel Williams Show,” and other early-afternoon tabloid talk shows (more like YELL shows, amirite?) felt too restrained, like they could have gotten a lower class of people to make fun of, but didn’t. “Springer,” though, broadcast the scum of America to millions of viewers, and encouraged the most vile humans to share their sick, twisted fantasies (and realities) with the world.
But that’s pretty much the “plot” of every reality show now. So what does an episode of “The Jerry Springer Show” look like in 2011? Is it trashier? Are there more gimmicks? To figure this out, I watched a recent episode (“Trannies Tell All”) to find out.
“The Jerry Springer Show,” rated TV-14, begins with the warning you see above, because not 20 seconds later, there are teasers for the upcoming episode involving fighting transvestites. Although it’s a close call, the “you got played, I’m a man” sneak peek sounds more intriguing than “[she] was looking for Julio, but she found Julisia instead.” But it’s really close.
The braindead-looking audience still shouts “JER-RY! JER-RY! JER-RY!” Like the Tomahawk Chop, it’ll never go away. Like the Tomahawk Chop, it’ll always be awful. I bet Jerry recorded the chant and has it for his ring tone. I GUARANTEE he makes any women he brings to bed say it to him. Has he ever slept with someone from the show? Oh, and he now enters the show by sliding down a stripper pole.
The episode’s topic:
“So, I used to wear men’s clothing. Now I wear women’s. TOLD ALL.”
Passion, who looks like a skinnier Wanda Sykes and talks with a sassy lisp, “can’t get over a romantic fling.” She met this guy at a bar, and he was “down and out,” the real bee’s knees, and they end up making out. She gives him her number, and they meet a week later, at a hotel, eliciting this response:
White people are the worst. Anyways, back to Passion. She and the I’m-sure-totally-not-a-girl dude “have oral sex,” and then he stops calling her. What happened to Passion’s booty call, you may ask? Well, Passion believes it’s because he found out…she was born a man. WHUHHH? What a twist! Here I thought the unseen dude was going to be the one with unknown genitalia. Instead, it’s Passion, and she didn’t tell him because she wants him to “judge me for my personality, not my sexuality.” I’m pretty sure the guy lost either way.
Out comes Delshawn, who explains to Passion that he hasn’t called back because he’s in love with his girlfriend and that their hooking up was a mistake. He just needed female companionship. Oh, it’s getting get good now. Passion responds, “So you’re trying to play me?” “No, it’s not trying to play you,” Delshawn answers. IT’S COMING. “Well, guess what: you got played. ‘Cause I’m a man.” Delshawn takes the news like a man, just like how Passion took him like a man, and facepalms her/him.
When I watched “Springer” when I was 12, I thought the guests were 100% real and the show unscripted. I honestly believed that the KKK midgets on the show really did have sex with black women, and that the only thing separating the anti-Semites from going after Jewish Jerry was the brute force of Steve. I was too young to know that these kind of talk shows greatly exaggerated the facts, and it was a bit of shock when I learned the awful truth. Remember, back in 1999, it was a lot easier to fool someone into believing something, particularly gullible young chaps named Josh who also believed Matchbox Twenty was the greatest band EVER; there was no widely available Internet access and “Jersey Shore”-like reality scripted shows weren’t nearly as plentiful. It was a simpler time. “The Wonderful World of Disney” was still a top-30 show for ABC then, and I guess the world just needed something trashy to believe in. That something was “The Jerry Springer Show.”
Pro wrestling’s real, though.
“You a man?”
Passion and Delshawn circle the set for awhile, hurling insults at each other. Bells ring when one is about to physically attack the other, while the security guards stay in the middle and receive most of the swipes. Delshawn says that he was drunk when she went down on him, and repeats “Ya mean?” over and over again. Then there’s an “Earlier” recap after the commercial break, just in case anyone’s having a hard time remembering who has a penis (both?) and who has a vagina (no one?), followed by the introduction of Delshawn’s girlfriend, Nekia. She’s so loud that her voice literally echos in the room, and she comes after Passion, ripping her wig off.
And a happy Rosh Hashanah to you, too. Things are getting ugly, and not just because of the picture above. Passion repeats “I’m more woman than you’ll ever be” to Nekia, who’s screaming at Delshawn, telling him how she takes care of him. She accuses him of loving Passion, and he replies, “No, I loved her mouth.” Smooth.
I wonder if anything or anyone surprises Jerry anymore. Throughout the episode, he looks bored, which is understandable. I mean, it’s just a transvestite tell-all, and he’s seen much better over the years. “Springer” has aired roughly 4,000 episodes since 1991; it’s probably pretty dull to hear the same he-said, she-said, it-said stories for the 300th time. But like a pro, Springer calmly asks Nekia, “It’s bad that he cheated, but are you more upset that he cheated with a man?” She replies, “He’s done some things that make me wonder if he’s, y’know, a little…sweet.” He’s modeled her high-heel shoes, he won first place at Transgender Day in high school (what?). Nekia’s so pissed that after nine months together, she calls off not only the relationship, but the engagement, too. She walks off the set with a hair flip, because that’s how sassy black women always leave rooms.
Good to know Janice Soprano, who appears in the less interesting second half of the episode, is still busy.
“Before we get to Comments, just wanted to tell you we have a bunch of students here from UMASS.” They’re the real monsters of the episode. The first guy interviewed doesn’t even bother with a question; he just whips out his dick for some Jerry Beads. Then a women flashes her boobs. (I think I’m remembering why I used to watch the show in middle school. Those Girls Gone Wild promos didn’t run in the daytime, after all.) Then two audience members start ripping on Delshawn, and he responds back to them with, “Yo momma can help me out.” It’s like it’s still the late ’90s on the set of the show — not only with the “yo momma” jokes, but also the look and feel of it. Nothing’s changed. The set looks pretty much the same, the audience members are still insulting and flashing, and the guests are the same class of people. The only noticeable difference is Jerry’s slicked-back hair. I guess there’s something reassuring in that.
The transcript of Jerry’s Final Thoughts:
We are more than the sum of our parts. A mirror can’t define us. Our being is a rather complex combination of cells, mind, personality, spirit, and soul. Indeed, what appears to the naked eye isn’t always what lies within the naked body. So assuming that our guests today are telling the truth — I mean, why would anyone put themselves through the turmoil and abuse that is heaped upon them every day if it wasn’t true — they are born with a confused sexual identity. Not all the parts match. And while other kind of birth defects, such as those which affect vision or the working of the liver or heart or brain, invite our compassion [Author Note: “compassion” is exactly what went wrong for Delshawn] and understanding, if the problem is with sex or gender, suddenly we think them freaks and offer them ridicule instead of hugs. I’m not suggesting they’re all making great decisions about their lives or always acting appropriately. But if that were us, and we were born with that kind of confusion, what would we do?
Final Thoughts is by far the worst part of any “Springer” episode. I don’t mind the last skit on an episode of “SNL” because it’s clear the performers have just said f*ck it, and that attitude sometimes enhances an otherwise unfunny script. Final Thoughts, on the other hand, is the exact opposite; it’s the most calculated, boring part of the show, and no one should be made to feel guilty about laughing at the redneck sister lesbians and their homophobic father. I can’t think of an eponymously titled show where the name matters so little. Jerry Springer, who seems like a very nice, smart guy, isn’t the reason people watch “The Jerry Springer Show”; people watch it to feel better about themselves, for not being the kind of person who would appear on “The Jerry Springer Show.” That’s how it was in 1991, and that’s how it remains in 2011.
And those are Josh’s Final Thoughts. Good night everyone.
