The Obvious Choice For What’s On Tonight: Drunk History (Comedy Central, 10:30 p.m.) – Drunk History is back and all is right with the world again. The season three premiere has rival paleontologists Edward Cope and Othniel Marsh clashing over fossil discoveries while physicists Arno Penzias and Robert Wilson discover the Big Bang theory.
America’s Got Talent (NBC, 8 p.m.) – The semi-finals are tonight, and it looks like the Professional Regurgitator is still in this thing.
Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader (Fox, 8 p.m.) – A paleontologist and a real estate agent test their IQ levels.
Rizzoli & Isles (TNT, 9 p.m.) – An old watch found in a cocaine bag found in the stomach of a dead woman is, for some reason, extremely important to Jane in this episode.
Total Divas (E!, 9 p.m.) – Bryan doesn’t like the fact that Brie is wearing sexy outfits – she’s a professional wrestler, isn’t that what they’re supposed to wear? – and Paige is in hot water at work.
Zoo (CBS, 9 p.m.) – The team heads to Zambia to get some leopard DNA, which is apparently like kryptonite to whatever the hell this thing that’s slowly taking over the world’s animal population and making them want to kill humans is. Also, Chloe may or may not die.
Hard Knocks: Training Camp with the Houston Texans (HBO, 10 p.m.) – The third week of preseason play sees the Texans heading to New Orleans to take on Drew Brees and the Saints, and the team starts making cuts in order to make it to a 53 man roster.
Ink Master (Spike, 10 p.m.) – The artist’s drawing skills are on display this week as they paint their most valuable canvas yet.
Public Morals (TNT, 10 p.m.) – While Muldoon is busy trying to find out who murdered his uncle, Sean’s hooking up with his best friend’s sister, and rookie cop Shea is hitting up illegal casinos.
Real Husbands of Hollywood (BET, 10 p.m.) – Kevin gets sent to rehab after eating some drug-laced candy, and Nelly visits Al Sharpton to do some damage control after he threw a party for a white country rapper who likes to use a certain derogatory word.
Scream: The TV Series (MTV, 10 p.m.) – The season one finale finds Emma finally learning the identity of the killer, but maybe not in time to save someone she loves.
Tosh.0 (Comedy Central, 10 p.m.) – In which Tosh interviews a web sensation and gets raunchy with fans’ ears.
Tyrant (FX, 10 p.m.) – It’s the season two finale, and things aren’t looking good for Jamal as Abbudin readies to enter a new phase. Meanwhile, Leila’s busy working with the Arab League to ensure her and Ahmed’s future, and Barry’s trying to convince Rami to stick around to help with the country’s changing dynamics.
Hollywood Game Night (NBC, 10 p.m.) – A Jonas brother, two Buffy the Vampire Slayer stars, someone from Dancing with the Stars and Dharma from Dharma & Greg are partying playing tonight.
Punk’d (BET, 10:30 p.m.) – Rita Ora rescues a fake baby and Michael B. Jordan gets trailed by some slightly creepy paparazzi.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Salma Hayek on Kimmel; and Liev Schreiber and Elle Fanning on Fallon. Corden, Meyers and Conan are repeats.
