Every week I start this post out with a riff about how weird and vague the description is for the next episode of Game of Thrones, but this week’s, for the sixth season’s eighth episode, titled “No One,” takes all of the cake.
“While Jaime weighs his options, Cersei answers a request. Tyrion’s plans bear fruit. Arya faces a new test.”
“Arya faces a new test.” Like what, surviving numerous stab wounds to the abdomen? Heck of a test. And “Jaime weighs his options” is great, too, especially when you pair it with the promo pic from the episode at the top of the page. Look at him up there, weighing his options. Weighing them real good. Lotta weighin’ goin’ on, yes sir.
Below, please find the rest of this week’s promo images, along with some useless and inaccurate imaginary conversations. Here to help.
TYRION: Bugs fly in such crazy loops and zigzags. I wonder why they don’t get dizzy and barf.
VARYS: Maybe they do!
TYRION: Ew, gross. But then why would they keep flying that way?
VARYS: Maybe bugs like to barf!
TYRION: Ew! They would! Haha! Blaugh!
[Tyrion and Varys continue walking]
TYRION: I’ll tell you, Varys, it’s great to have a friend who appreciates earnest discussion of ideas.
CERSEI: Ahhh, Ser Robert Strong. Aren’t we looking handsome today?
SER ROBERT STRONG: HHHHHHRRRRRRRNNNNNNGGGGGGG
CERSEI: Why thank you, it is a new dress.
SER ROBERT STRONG: HHHHHHRRRRRRRNNNNNNGGGGGGG
CERSEI: Well now you’re flattering me.
SER ROBERT STRONG: HHHHHHRRRRRRRNNNNNNGGGGGGG
CERSEI: [blushing] Ser Robert…
SER ROBERT STRONG: HHHHHHRRRRRRRNNNNNNGGGGGGG
CERSEI: Well I…
SER ROBERT STRONG: HHHHHHRRRRRRRNNNNNNGGGGGGG
CERSEI: I can’t just run away with you!
SER ROBERT STRONG: HHHHHHRRRRRRRNNNNNNGGGGGGG
CERSEI: Why? Because I have obligations here! I’m the Queen Regent. And a Lannister. I can’t let the High Sparrow brainwash Tommen and take control of the city. And who even knows what Margaery is up to. My presence here is more important than ever.
SER ROBERT STRONG: HHHHHHRRRRRRRNNNNNNGGGGGGG
CERSEI: But what will people think?!
SER ROBERT STRONG: HHHHHHRRRRRRRNNNNNNGGGGGGG
CERSEI: What will people say?!
SER ROBERT STRONG: HHHHHHRRRRRRRNNNNNNGGGGGGG
CERSEI: Oh, I wish it were so simple, Ser Robe-…
SER ROBERT STRONG: HHHHHHRRRRRRRNNNNNNGGGGGGG
CERSEI: Fine. I wish it were so simple, Rob. But our love can never be. We’ll have to limit ourselves to brief, stolen glances in the real world and nights of unbridled passion in our dreams.
SER ROBERT STRONG: HHHHHHRRRRRRRNNNNNNGGGGGGG
CERSEI: I’m sorry, but that’s the way it has to be.
SER ROBERT STRONG: [turns toward camera, struggles quietly under metal mask]
CERSEI: Are you trying to do the Jim Halpert face?
SER ROBERT STRONG: HHHHHHRRRRRRRNNNNNNGGGGGGG
CERSEI: Well stop. You’ll hurt yourself.
LANCEL: I come bearing a message from the High Sparrow.
LARRY IN THE BACK ROW: Hey, look. They let Margaery’s brother out of the dungeon.
LANCEL: What? No. That’s Loras. I’m Lancel. Lancel Lannister. I’m not gay.
LARRY IN THE BACK ROW: Whoa. Little defensive there, bud. It was an honest mistake.
LANCEL: I’m not being defensive. Loras is imprisoned because of his unacceptable sins of the flesh. I was the one who arrested him. I’m Lancel. I have never succumbed to sins of the flesh.
LARRY IN THE BACK ROW: Okay, if you say so.
LANCEL: Now, as I was saying. I come bearing a message from the H-… What does that mean, “if I say so”? What are you implying?
LARRY IN THE BACK ROW: Nothing. And even if I were, it’s not like there’s anything wrong with it.
LANCEL: Yes there is! As the High Sparrow preaches…
LARRY IN THE BACK ROW: Lemme get this straight. Some rich guy threw a party and was so grossed out by his naked hungover friends that he started a religion around it, and you’re using that religion to justify your stance about sins of the flesh. And you’ve become so vigilant about it that you branded your forehead and started throwing gay people in a dungeon?
LANCEL: Well it’s more complica-…
LARRY IN THE BACK ROW: Sounds to me like someone might be overcompensating a bit.
LANCEL: What? I… I have never succumbed to sins of the flesh!
LARRY IN THE BACK ROW: And now you’re getting defensive again. No need to get mad.
LANCEL: I’m not mad!
LARRY IN THE BACK ROW: Sound pretty mad to me.
LANCEL: Grrr, I… this… you…
LARRY IN THE BACK ROW: Oh well, agree to disagree, Loras.
LANCEL: Lancel!
LARRY IN THE BACK ROW: Got it.
BRIENNE: [addressing troops] Gather ’round. You should know from the beginning that this won’t be easy. We’re facing an uphill, difficult battle. We’re outmanned and outgunned. Many of you won’t make it out alive. But I believ-… [voice fades out]
HORSE ON THE LEFT, WHOSE NAME IS CARL: Hey, Fred?
HORSE ON THE RIGHT, WHOSE NAME IS FRED: Yeah, Carl?
HORSE ON THE LEFT, WHOSE NAME IS CARL: You ever think about how messed up it is that people sit on our backs and ride us around?
HORSE ON THE RIGHT, WHOSE NAME IS FRED: All the time.
HORSE ON THE LEFT, WHOSE NAME IS CARL: Like, on one hoof, I’m honored, because it means they chose us over all the other animals in the kingdom, which is kind of confirmation that we’re pretty great. But on the three other hooves, it’s a little demeaning.
HORSE ON THE RIGHT, WHOSE NAME IS FRED: Exactly.
BRIENNE: [voice fades in] …and when you die, which again, the vast majority of you will, we will drink to your memory in victory… [voice fades out]
HORSE ON THE LEFT, WHOSE NAME IS CARL: I’ll tell you what really bugs me, though.
HORSE ON THE RIGHT, WHOSE NAME IS FRED: Shoot.
HORSE ON THE LEFT, WHOSE NAME IS CARL: They send us into battle without weapons of our own. I could hold a dagger in my teeth. Easy. Easy! At least that would be something.
HORSE ON THE RIGHT, WHOSE NAME IS FRED: Hmm. I hadn’t thought about that.
HORSE ON THE LEFT, WHOSE NAME IS CARL: It’s like, hey, walk around for 100 miles carrying some buffoon and 150 pounds worth of supplies, then sprint into a sword fight with no way to defend ourselves. It’s just not right.
HORSE ON THE RIGHT, WHOSE NAME IS FRED: I suppose you have a point her-..
HORSE ON THE LEFT, WHOSE NAME IS CARL: I bet I could fire a bow and arrow, too.
HORSE ON THE RIGHT, WHOSE NAME IS FRED: Wait, what?
HORSE ON THE LEFT, WHOSE NAME IS CARL: I could fire a bow and arrow.
HORSE ON THE RIGHT, WHOSE NAME IS FRED: Well, now you’re getting a little ridiculous.
BRIENNE: [voice fades in] … your mutilated bodies strewn about the field of battle as we slosh through your spilled blood toward victory… [voice fades out]
HORSE ON THE LEFT, WHOSE NAME IS CARL: What, it doesn’t look that hard?
HORSE ON THE RIGHT, WHOSE NAME IS FRED: But we don’t have fingers.
HORSE ON THE LEFT, WHOSE NAME IS CARL: Right, but if I hold the bow way far out with my front hooves and pull back the string with my teeth…
HORSE ON THE RIGHT, WHOSE NAME IS FRED: I dunno, Carl.
HORSE ON THE LEFT, WHOSE NAME IS CARL: I could do it. I could train other horses to do it. We could have a whole horse army.
HORSE ON THE RIGHT, WHOSE NAME IS FRED: But what would we ride into battle?
HORSE ON THE LEFT, WHOSE NAME IS CARL: Hmm. Really big humans?
HORSE ON THE RIGHT, WHOSE NAME IS FRED: Well then who’s making us the bows and arrows? You definitely can’t make those with hooves.
HORSE ON THE LEFT, WHOSE NAME IS CARL: Other… humans?
HORSE ON THE RIGHT, WHOSE NAME IS FRED: Why would they make bows and arrows for us? We don’t have money to pay them.
HORSE ON THE LEFT, WHOSE NAME IS CARL: Because we’ll have the daggers in our mouths.
HORSE ON THE RIGHT, WHOSE NAME IS FRED: And how do we get the daggers?
HORSE ON THE LEFT, WHOSE NAME IS CARL: We, uh…
HORSE ON THE RIGHT, WHOSE NAME IS FRED: Sounds like you need to think this through some more.
HORSE ON THE LEFT, WHOSE NAME IS CARL: Shut up, Fred.
BRIENNE: [voice fades in] … as the souls of you and everyone you know float toward the heavens, riddled with gashes and holes created by our enemies… [voice fades out]
