After the success of our first Sports On TV column (Saved By The Bell’s 20 Greatest Sports Moments) I thought to myself, “How do I follow up?” The answer: find a show with more sports moments and fewer jokes.
Welcome to the 20 greatest sports moments of ‘Full House’, the 1989 John Stamos vehicle about a group of friends banding together to save a family after the death of their mother that launched Bob Saget into ‘America’s Funniest Home Videos’, Dave Coulier into ‘America’s Funniest People’, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen into a billion-dollar branding deal and Jodie Sweetin into People magazine covers with headlines like FROM METH ADDICT TO MOM. It was funny for a minute, then lasted 8 more years.
As I mentioned before, streaming episodes of ‘Full House’ are only legally available on Amazon Prime, so in lieu of videos I’ve provided the most appropriate images I could find. You can thank Alan of The Spotless Minds for those, and the wonderful Full House Reviewed for a few supplementary shots.
Now, read on and find out what Miller-Boyett Productions has to say about San Francisco Giants baseball, the Super Bowl, and everything else from rollerblading to bungee jumping. Sadly, Joey Gladstone wearing the same robe as WWE star Damien Sandow did not make the list. If you know of a moment we didn’t include, make sure to drop us a comment and let us know.
More Sports On TV: Saved By The Bell | King Of The Hill | The Wire | The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air | Parks And Recreation | Married… With Children | 30 Rock | The Brady Bunch | The Three Stooges | The Simpsons | Glee
Episode: “Knock Yourself Out” (Season 1, Episode 7)
What Happens: Season 1 of ‘Full House’ was built almost entirely on the premise that Danny had to leave the house to do something important, leaving Joey and Jesse to take care of the girls/hurt one of the girls’ feelings/be unnecessarily mean to one of the girls about something because they care too much/almost murder Michelle. In this episode, Channel 8 News Sportscaster Danny gets a nationally broadcast, exclusive interview with former boxing heavyweight champion Ernie Hudson and accidentally mentions that the dude’s wife has left him, causing a sobbing Ernie to get the shit beaten out of him, Danny to become a temporary celebrity and the champ’s fake Mickey manager to take a swing at him.
Key line: “You callin’ me a liar??” “Oh not at all, why would I choose those as my last words?”
Two quick observations: 1) 1989 Ernie Hudson was ripped, and 2) he must’ve really gotten lowballed on Ghostbusters II.
The B-story of the episode (which is actually the A-story, because Michelle is too precious and important to ever be considered less than the total object of our focus) is that Michelle gets a dubbed over foley cough, and Joey and Jesse Abbot and Costello all over her until she’s well. At one point they have to take her rectal temperature and do so using a terrifying clown puppet with a thermometer in its hands. Yeah, any time you see a picture of Mary Kate or Ashley Olsen looking haggard and trying to pass off gypsy beads and a giant fur coat as high fashion, remember that one time Dave Coulier’s hand became a clown monster and jammed something into their asses.
Poor Danny was always getting the short end of these sports opportunities. I think it would’ve been hilarious if seven episodes into the show he got his big break, got signed by a major network and was all, “unfill my house, semi-strangers, I’m hiring a team of maids”.
Episode: “A Pox In Our House” (season 1, episode 15)
What Happens: Danny gets an opportunity to practice with the Golden State Warriors (the cool 89-90 Warriors with Tim Hardaway, Chris Mullin and Mitch Richmond) (and Manute Bol) but Stephanie gets the chicken pox. That leads to the rest of the house getting pox’d, and Danny struggles with whether or not he should force DJ to miss her VERY FIRST SLUMBER PARTY and babysit Michelle to keep her getting diseased and dying. Eventually Deej agrees to keep Michelle quarantined from the Rage-infested house, and Danny rushes off to make boing sounds and fart noises over a Golden State Warriors game.
Key line ♫ “Here’s some tuna fish and soup. It’s nutritious and delicious and it’s great to fight infection for the family that I love!” ♫
Another “Danny is shackled to the unimportant problems of these incessant whiners and ARGH ONLY IF HIS WIFE WEREN’T DEAD” episode. The highlight is Danny’s sweet-as-f**k Golden State warm-ups, which should come with their own Drew Holcomb & The Neighbors soundtrack. The lowlight is probably the extended sequence wherein Joey and Jesse try to out macho each other about scratching chicken pox and end up practically buttf**king.
We don’t get any footage of Danny at the Warriors game. The real reason is because NBA licensing rights are ridiculous, you can’t stage an entire pro basketball game for Full House’s benefit and we were like five years too early for the technology that’d let us Forrest Gump Saget into the background. The pretend reason I’m going with is “Tim Hardaway thought Full House was too gay”.
Episode: “Michelle a la Carte” (season 7, episode 20)
What Happens: Kenny, the son of Michelle’s gay friend Derrick and her asshole friend Aaron, tells Michelle that girls don’t have “car brains” and goads her into competing against him in the Downhill Derby, a race he wins every year. Aunt Becky agrees to help Michelle build a derby car, but Michelle bails on her when Kenny calls the car garbage. When the car is 95% finished, Michelle “unquits”, uses it to defeat Kenny in the Downhill Derby and gets praised by everyone, because Michelle is a Magical Princess who lives a life with no consequences.
Key line: “My Dad said if I can’t say anything nice then I shouldn’t say anything at all … but my Dad’s not here, and you’re a weenie!”
This episode was conceived when Co-Executive Producer Don “The Mad Atta” Van Atta woke up from a sweaty dream, shouted MICHELLE WINS THE SOAP BOX DERBY and scribbled it down in his Dream Journal, even though soap box derby races only happen in shitty episodes of sitcoms and ‘The Real World: San Francsico’. Who was the first person to think, “let’s put children in a box with wheels on it, push them down a hill and see who crashes to the bottom first”?
Kenny (who is only seen once and spends most of the episode rocking a fabulous cardigan and practically snapping his fingers in a Z-formation) really drives home the “girls can’t do anything” point. In the also-sports-related B-story, a girl is doing something: Stephanie teaches Joey some ballet exercises to improve his hockey game, causing him to get made fun of by Jesse and Danny for acting like a girl. For a show with a laugh track and hug music, ‘Full House’ sent some pretty mixed messages about whether or not we’re terrible.
I want to know how many words they went through before they settled on “weenie”, and whether or not the first draft of the script included the phrase, “my Dad’s not here and I’m gonna drive this car up your ass”.
Episode: Every episode after season 1
What Happens: In the ‘Full House’ theme song, Danny Tanner is seen briefly speaking with someone off camera while wearing a 1980s-style satin San Francisco Giants jacket. The words “BOB SAGET” hover across his midsection for unknown reasons.
Key line: “… a hand to hold on to!”
First of all, I don’t know why this is so surprising to me, but the guy who sang the ‘Full House’ theme song (Jesse Frederick) also sang the themes to ‘Family Matters’, ‘Perfect Strangers’ and ‘Step By Step’. If this guy ends up being either Stubblefield or Hall I’m hanging myself, because art will have peaked in a man and I’ll have no reason to carry on.
Anyway, ‘Everywhere You Look’ is one of the most secretly dark songs ever. It starts with a man questioning the loss of predictability (“the milkman” and “the paperboy”, two lost occupations of Americana, and “evening TV”, which I guess the classically wholesome Full House was fighting to preserve), and if you listen to the full version, the next lines are, “How did I get to livin’ here, somebody tell me please/this old world’s confusing me”. A little voice inside him whispers about not selling his dreams, but everywhere he looks — everywhere he looks — there’s a face of somebody who needs him. A heart he’s responsible for, and someone who needs their hand held. It’s like Superman, flying up into the stratosphere and having to hear everyone beg him for help. But, there’s a resolution presented: when you’re lost out there and you’re all alone, a light is waiting to carry you home. A light that carries you home? That sounds like death to me. The Full House theme song is about life being a needless hassle, and death being its only escape.
At least Danny’s intro graphic changes between seasons 1 and 2. Poor Aunt Becky got stuck smelling that rosebush for like six years.
Episode: “Joey Gets Tough” (season 2, episode 7)
What Happens: Joey is left in charge of the girls, who swiftly manipulate him (with bunny noses) into letting them stay up late to watch ‘Tiffany Live In Tokyo’. DJ gets the impression that Joseph is the softest in the game (she’s right), so she takes her time coming home from karate practice the next day. Joey flips out and grounds her on the same weekend as her Big Karate Tournament, leading to a Stephanie-organized family court and a lot of screaming about who isn’t whose father.
Key line: “You can’t tell me what to do! You’re not my father!”
DJ’s melodramatic delivery of that line ranks alongside Doggy Ate My Ouse Cweam and Stephanie calling Kimmie Gibbler a whore as one of my favorite from the show’s run. Here, listen to it for yourself.
The “upcoming project” mentioned in that video is one of my favorite YouTube clips ever, and if you’re enough of a ‘Full House’ fan to get this deep into a sports retrospective, you’ll love it too:
The worst part is that Joey totally caves and lets DJ go to her karate tournament. At least he didn’t try to jam a clown up her ass.
Episode: “Michelle Rides Again Part 2” (Season 8, Episode 24)
What Happens: In the last episode of ‘Full House’, Michelle falls off a horse and gets amnesia, causing the family to sit around and speak passionately about every great thing Michelle ever did. Seriously. This is the series finale of ‘Full House’.
Key line: “Hey, wanna jump that log?”
The actual plot of the episode is as follows … Michelle gets entered into the Bayview Junior Equestrian Competition because Mary Kate and Ashley like horses or whatever so Michelle has to too. Danny gets into a feud with another contestant’s mother, and it puts so much pressure on the kids they go joyriding on their horses. Michelle tries to clear a log, fails, and spends the next 22-ish minutes trying to remember all the times her family jammed clown thermometers up her ass and tried to store her in the meat rack. Eventually a second Michelle shows up and explains the inner-workings of her brain a la Julie in The Maxx, they merge, and everyone shares a hug. If the proper run of ‘Family Matters’ hadn’t ended with Urkel and Carl going back in time for a pirate adventure, this would be the worst TGIF ending ever.
I’m not sure how ‘Full House’ SHOULD have ended (ignoring my ‘Steve and Duane buddy cop spin-off’ fan-fiction), but “Michelle gets hurt doing something Michelle likes so we all stress about Michelle until an additional Michelle materializes and brings back Michelle” is pretty low on the list.
Episode: “Michelle Rides Again Part 1” (season 8, Episode 23)
What Happens: While Michelle is off bashing her head into tree trunks and forgetting the time she really wanted to be Yankee Doodle, “Rush Hour Renegades” Jesse and Joey are pitching a television show. The show’s premise: wacky radio DJs go to unusual places to interview unusual people about their unusual jobs. Note: This is where TLC, Bravo, The Travel Channel and Food Network got the idea for every show on television. Their first episode: “We’re gonna tag team wrestle Sven and Ingamar, the Swedish Spleen Stompers.”
Key line: “AHHHH, BEHOOOLD … THE MASKED MARVEL!”
I don’t know which sitcom did the first wrestling episode, but I hate them for making sitcom writers believe every wrestler’s name is THE MASKED MARVEL or THE MASKED MENACE. Even today, when wrestlers have names like CHANCIN STEVENS or HARRYN CHESTERFIELD, a show like ‘iCarly’ gets to their wrestling episode and boom, her autistic brother is wearing a Blue Demon mask and calling himself the MYSTERIOUS MASKED MARVEL.
We don’t get to see The Swedish Spleen Stompers (because of Michelle’s brain damage), but we do get to see Joey take a Dude Love bump from the balcony in the Tanners’ living room and slap a Tokyo Dome-quality ankle lock on Big Jess. I don’t know if the Rush Hour Renegades would’ve beaten the Swedes, but with his mic skills, shitty impressions and 8+ years in situation comedy Joey Gladstone would’ve been huge on Raw. He would’ve had a better career than Eli Cottonwood, at least.
Did somebody say … wood?
Episode: “Wrong Way Tanner” (season 7, episode 3)
What Happens: Michelle joins a soccer team (coached by Uncle Jesse, who I guess isn’t busy enough having 50 other jobs), and even though she doesn’t have DJ’s karate prowess or Stephanie’s Love Shack Dancing dexterity, she is the most important person in the world and gets the ball in important endgame situations. She scores a winning goal for the wrong team and earns the nickname “Wrong Way Tanner”.
Key line: “Michelle, is something wrong with your leg?” “Yeah. I just broke it. Now I’ll never be able to play soccer again.”
Fun fact: “Wrong Way Tanner” is what I every one of Jodie Sweetin’s real life friends should’ve agreed to call her for the last 15 years.
Michelle’s had some pretty dumb moments in her life, including but not limited to allowing doggy to eat her ouse cweam, but her inept athletic moments are the best. Michelle’s team’s goalie is Derrick, the most easy to recognize person in the history of ‘Full House’, and she just runs up and scores on him anyway. What’s the kid got to do, keep goal in a f**king Uncle Sam outfit? I guess we should be happy that Michelle didn’t trip on a rock, bash her head into the ground and wander around not knowing who she was for the rest of the episode.
In addition to horseback riding, the Olsen Twins got really into soccer in the mid-90s, which explains away this and their TV epic Switching Goals. All Michelle needed to do was visit an exotic local, give herself a sassy unisex nickname (“Alex”, “Sam”, etc.) and solve a couple of mysteries and she would’ve hit every important Olsen Twin life point from 1986 to 2005.
Episode: “Divorce Court” (season 3, episode 8)
What Happens: Danny, Joey and Jesse get into an argument about which one of them is the biggest pussy (seriously, they had this argument on ‘Full House’), which leads to a challenge: a quarter-mile race presided over by Rebecca Donaldson to see which man is most athletic. The stakes get higher when it’s decided the winner can choose the losers’ Halloween costumes for an upcoming school carnival (another thing that only happens on TV), and higher still when Becky shows up with a news van to tape the race for ‘Wake Up, San Francisco’. The race is super sad and they all agree to tie, but egos flare and Danny puts #bootstoasses to win the race.
Key line: “For those of you who think you’re watching a slow-motion replay, do not be fooled. They are actually moving at this speed.”
Danny wins the race by a nose (his literal nose), mirroring that Soap Box Derby episode from season 7 where Michelle wins by putting a rose on the front of her car. Clearly an example of how ‘Full House’ is a purposeful drama about the circle of life when presented as one 8-season-long piece, and not just a bunch of people bitching at each other and lying until the hug music kicks in.
One of the more concerning moments of the episode is when Danny reveals that he’s chosen identical Shirley Temple costumes for both men when he probably should’ve set a good example for his daughters and let them off the hook. The men lock arms and sing “The Good Ship Lollypop”, because no masculinity race in ‘Full House” San Francisco ends in masculinity.
Episode: “Air Jesse” (season 8, episode 16)
What Happens: Because we’re 16 episodes into season 8 and everyone’s basically given up, DJ and Kimmie score NBA legend Kareem Abdul-Jabbar for a charity basketball game. Jesse thinks that’s three different people, because he grew up riding motorcycles on rooftop ledges and listening to 50s do-wap. Jesse gets roped into the game because he’s a local media celebrity (COMIN’ ATCHA) but doesn’t know how to play … thankfully a certain Magical Negro arrives to teach him the basics.
Key line: “Uncle Jesse, you just stay away from everybody.”
Jesse never had the same history twice. Sometimes his last name was Katsopolis, sometimes it was Cochran. Sometimes he’d never graduated from high school, sometimes he had. Sometimes he’d say “have mercy” because he wanted someone to have mercy, sometimes he’d say it because he wanted them to continue not having mercy. It was all very confusing.
The best part of the episode is when it devolves into a full-on early-90s basketball scene, with that one set of bleachers filled with strangers who won’t stop cheering even during the time outs and tons of release shots, then jump cuts to a basketball being gently dropped into the hoop. At any point they could’ve cut to Carl Winslow cheering from the stands and I wouldn’t have noticed.
This episode also features Comet shooting a free throw, because Comet is the least realistic sitcom pet ever in a f**king walk.
Episode: “Nice Guys Finish First” (season 6, episode 9)
What Happens: A charity hockey game gives Joey the chance to redeem himself against high school rival Hershel “Stonewall” Binkley, a used-car salesman who once stopped Joey’s shot and kept him from winning The Big Game. It’s just like that episode of ‘Married … With Children’ where Al Bundy squares off against Bubba Smith, only on a hockey rink and with no jokes.
Key line: “Okay. I’ve had it. This has been eatin’ me up inside for too long! Binkley, Saturday afternoon, this is you!” *breaks hockey stick*
Joey’s identity was “comedy guy”, but he always liked hockey, mentioning it in passing and keeping his goalie gear stored on a mannequin in his bedroom (he is not a goalie). This episode is a great look into his psyche, and I like to think Stonewall stopping his game-winning shot in high school sent him into this weird rebellious thing where he gave up being a hard-nosed sports star in favor of Bullwinkle impressions, scissor-handing to express humility and additional Bullwinkle impressions. Like one time he was about to kill himself, but he put his thumbs against his temples and said HEY ROCKY, and it felt great so he just stuck with it.
In truly predictable ‘Full House’ form, Joey doesn’t get a burst of confidence until the end of the hockey game, allowing him to score the winning goal and redeem himself in full. The rub: MICHELLE wouldn’t let him get angry, so he couldn’t play well until she gave him permission. Jesse gives up his independence because somebody told him Michelle coughed, and Joey can’t settle decades old personal disputes without a YOU GOT IT DUDE from a f**king 8-year old. No wonder the closest he ever got to scoring was yelling WELL BLOW ME DOWN, AH GAH GAH GAH at Felicia Michaels.
(Guest contributor Bill Hanstock)
Episode: “Super Bowl Fun Day” (Season 8, Episode 14)
What Happens: Joey wants to watch the Super Bowl, but DJ needs the living room for her college scholarship interview and Joey and Jesse had agreed “months ago” to take Michelle’s science club on a field trip to the science museum. Oh no!
Key line: “Hey, that’s no babe, that’s my wife!”/”Hey, that’s no clown, that’s my dad!” (tie)
By the eighth and final season of the show, the diminishing returns of ‘Full House’ had diminished all the way down to nothing, leaving it an exaggerated pantomime of an already broad television show. This episode showcases all of Michelle’s very worst friends, who are all f***ing bonkers for science for some inexplicable reason, to the point where they change the channel in a sports bar from the Super Bowl to “the science channel,” which is showing stock footage of blue-footed boobies on a beach.
Let me back up.
Joey comes home from a stand-up comedy tour and wants to watch the Super Bowl! He has plenty of reason for wanting to watch it, because besides it being the Super Bowl, Danny and Becky are making THEIR NATIONAL TELEVISION DEBUT as the ROVING REPORTERS FOR THE SUPER BOWL. Despite this, literally EVERYONE ELSE IN THE FAMILY is content to tape the show and watch it later, particularly Jesse, who hates sports for some reason. DJ kicks Joey out of the living room because the scholarship person is coming over and all the horrible, horrible, horrible children arrive and little f*cking sh*thead Aaron won’t stop rolling his eyes and making a poopface after delivering every line and GOD I HATE YOU AARON
Anyway, Joey says he’ll take the kids to a better place than the science museum, so he takes them all to “Weeb’s Sports Grill,” which somehow Jesse doesn’t protest until they’re actually in the bar and gathered around a pool table. Danny and Becky show up on the pre-show and make fools of themselves before the kids start getting bored with bars and football and video games. (By the way, the show does the smallest possible thing correct by identifying Danny and Becky as being at Joe Robbie Stadium, site of the eventual bloodbath between the 49ers and the Chargers.Of course, since this episode was taped months before the Super Bowl, the writers had to go with the only information they knew. This marks possibly the first time that a program other than ‘The Simpsons’ attempted to actually pay the slightest attention to any detail regarding the Super Bowl, other than people on a couch in nonexistent-color-pattern blank jerseys screaming SUPER BOWL while one person has on a cheese head and another person is wearing eye black and someone else has a Terrible Towel because FOOTBALL.)
Anyway, Jesse has everyone in the bar literally assaulting him (choking him with a pool cue, etc.) when the kids change the channel. A horrible exaggerated pantomime chase ensues, which leads to Jesse and Joey knocking over the … 1990s stack of cable tuners and stuff while retrieving the remote, knocking out the cable signal for the game. The patrons of Weem’s are legitimately threatening to deathmurder J&J when Joey thinks of the plan … he brings the entire bar full of people to the titular full house. Because that’s the solution he thought of. Other stuff happens, like Jesse trying to teach the kids science by shampooing Derek, Michelle being sad, Kathy Kinney showing up as the (of course) football-loving scholarship representative, Danny and Becky making asses of themselves on national television (again), Joey learning a Very Important Lesson, Stephanie being totally useless and Kimmy wearing a stupid hat. It’s all completely unwatchable and makes ‘Yes, Dear’ look like ‘The Wire’ in terms of subtle nuance.
Joey nearly got himself and Jesse killed and took a bunch of science-starved children to a bar, and the only redeeming feature of this episode is that they call it “the Super Bowl” instead of THE BIG GAME or FOOTBALL CHAMPIONSHIP or MEGA BOWL or whatever the hell else people were doing on television in 1994.
DJ was dressed like a Quaker in this episode, which is good because it allows me to believe at least someone felt shame by being on the eighth season of ‘Full House’.
Episode: “Stephanie Plays The Field” (season 4, episode 22)
What Happens: Little League ace Stephanie falls in love with “Dangerous” Brett Davis, a rival team player who gives her the old, “if you really loved me you’d throw the game and let my team win” speech. Torn between winning a Little League game and striking out the boy who she’s sure will show up more than once in eight years, Steph gets an on-the-mound speech about integrity from DJ, the girl who was so obsessed with her boyfriend she practically masturbated in front of everyone at Disneyland. Stephanie strikes out Brett, and Brett just kinda apologizes to her for being a dick and dissipates into mist.
Key line: “Come on, Steph! Fire it in there! Burn it by him! Blow that smoke! Just throw the ball, honey. I’m outta cliches.”
The A-story of this episode is Michelle wanting to play in Jesse and Becky’s room and getting pissed at them when they want privacy. Joey runs Jesse through the mud about it because the Tanner House has a pecking order goddammit, and they come up with a designated time in which Jesse and Rebecca must play with Michelle, or else. Oh, and when Danny makes Michelle the Little League bat boy she shows up dressed as Batman.
Anyway, this is one of the best ‘Full House’ sports moments because it actually involves someone playing sports, and not just talking about how they’ve got to hurry up and leave the full house because of something sports-related. It’s also not a Michelle sports moment, which is 20 seconds of her playing sports and 5 minutes of kids standing around making Nickelodeon voices at each other. Stephanie does the right thing (even if she had to bring in beer-holdin’ DJ Tanner to make the call) and Brett eats crow, partially because he was acting like an asshole and partially because he wanted some of that Sweetin Low.
Also, this episode is just another chapter in the Billy Goat’s Curse. Way to play for the Cubs, Brett.
Episode: “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” (season 4, episode 24)
What Happens: Jesse “The Kid” Coch-sopolis is a billiards master (he’s terrible at every other sport, but this one is close enough to “motorcycles” to make sense). Inexperienced player Danny wants in, so Jesse hustles him up from 25 cents to a dollar a ball. BUT WAIT JUST A MINUTE, Danny is actually great at pool and trick shots Dr. Danger out of a hundred bucks. Joey gets 10 dollars for keeping his mouth shut, and an additional 20 for not making that Jetsons car noise during the game.
Key line: “You hustled me, man. I was supposed to be hustling you.” “I’m glad you appreciate the irony.”
The best part of Danny’s ruse is the ‘Roseanne’ theme music that starts playing as he clears the table. The second best part is how much this reminds me of that awesome episode of ‘The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air’ where Uncle Phil pulls the same trick and straight up ends a dude’s life with Lucille the pool cue.
Danny won the ‘Wake Up, San Francisco’ footrace, no-sold a punch to the stomach from a boxing coach and sat on the bench for the Golden State Warriors, you’d think his house pals would take him more seriously as an athlete. You get a lot of dexterity cleaning up and hugging folks all the time.
(Guest contributor Destiny Dawn)
Episode: “The Seven-Month Itch Part 2” (season 1, episode 20)
What Happens: Stoked that the rest of the family is going to Disneyland, Jesse makes romantic plans with his new girlfriend, Samantha. His romantic evening goes straight to the shitter when The Family returns home, their flight canceled because of San Francisco fog, and turns it into Family Fun Night. It gets real in Part 2, when Uncle Jesse runs away from home (to a ski lodge in Tahoe) to connect with his younger, freedom-loving, living-on-the-edge, no-strings-attached self. Unsure about how to handle the news that Jesse may never come back, Joey and Danny lie a lot and play a 2-second game of basketball in the house.
Key Line: “Here’s the shot: I’m going to jump over the couch, spin around 3 times, drive to the hoop, double pump twice, finishing it off with a reverse tomahawk monster jam.”
Here’s the scene in its entirety:
I love the fact that they didn’t have one of those shitty Nerf nets that you hooked on the back of door, where the net would fall off repeatedly, or the hook would break. Nope. In the Tanner house they’ve got a legit backboard, super high ceilings and a mini basketball that could actually bounce; all I got was a foam ball. Life’s not fair.
Episode: “Spellbound” (season 5, episode 17)
What Happens: Stephanie wins her class spelling bee and moves on to the 4th grade finals, where she’ll face the dreaded DAVEY CHU, an Asian 10-year old who will use spelling to snap your leg off at the knee a la Chong Li in Bloodsport. Stephanie learns about mnemonic devices to gain an advantage, but before Davey can even palmstrike Gia Mahan and snatch her bandana, Steph f**ks up the word “mnemonic” itself and loses. Also, spelling bees aren’t a sport but I included Screech’s chess match in the ‘Saved By The Bell’ thing like this so shut up.
Key line: “Listen up human dictionary! Stephanie Tanner is going to tear you from vowel to vowel and eat your consonants for lunch! Grrr!”
Stephanie loses clean to Chu, challenges him to a second spell-off and loses again. She’s got a lot of animosity toward Asian kids. Probably because her ex-husband Harry vanishing and leaving her high and dry.
This episode taught me how to properly spell mnemonic (well, this and Johnny Mnemonic), which came in handy when I used it in my own spelling bee in 9th grade. Unfortunately I was eliminated on the next word, “receipt”, because there’s a random f**king P in it.
Episode: “Room For One More” (season 6, episode 21)
What Happens: Jesse has twins Nicky and Alex, but they’re basically worthless so he tries to convince Becky to get pregnant again. Becky says they’re too busy, so Jesse tries to prove to her they’ve got plenty of free time. To punish Jesse, God gives Becky a new job, gives Jesse’s kids a cold, puts Michelle in charge of a goddamn pig and injures Joey in a freak rollerblading accident.
Key line: “I was rollerblading, and I had a little mishap.”
The episode starts with Joey doing a fake drill sergeant voice to teach Nicky and Alex how to ride tricycles, so the karmic balance to that is seeing Joey suffer. According to Danny, Joey tripped over a garden hose, fell into an open dumpster and then rolled down Nob Hill.
The injury is so bad that Joey can’t do his radio show, and with Jesse getting increasingly busy that gives us a wonderful sequence where Danny takes the piss out of radio work and invites Steve and the local wrestling team to BEATBOX AND RAP ABOUT THEIR PRACTICE. Steve’s shirt looks like he’d just pulled it from Garth Brooks’ ass. That (and having to fireman’s carry Joey out of the basement when he thinks the house is on fire) convinces Jesse that bringing children into a world this dark is a terrible, terrible idea.
Episode: “Honey, I Broke The House” (season 3, episode 20)
What Happens: The episode itself is about Stephanie turning Joey Gladstone into Joey Madstone by accidentally driving his car into the house, destroying the kitchen, tip-toeing away like nothing happened and letting him get blamed, but the opening 60 seconds are all about Michelle being a dumb little f**king moron and not understanding the rules of baseball. She hits the ball off of the tee, picks it up, runs the bases in an order even chaos theory couldn’t predict and racing into the house to “go home” and leave Joey standing there in the backyard in a hockey jersey and sweatpants by himself.
Key line: “This game is way too easy.”
They were always excusing Michelle’s rudeness and stupidity as “adorable”, and they wondered why she couldn’t read at age 5 and lost her memory the first time she ever fell down. Highlights of this cold open: Nicky and Alex aren’t involved, and at no point do they gurgle something resembling a word to make John Stamos smile at someone off-screen and shoot hug them.
For additional episodes about somebody driving a car into the house, see ‘Family Matters’, ‘Everybody Loves Raymond’, ‘Two And A Half Men’ or any other sitcom that wants to break a portion of their set and make people woo about it.
Episode: “Leap Of Faith” (season 8, episode 21)
What Happens: Aunt Becky is swayed an an Extreme Sports Granny’s appearance on ‘Wake Up, San Francisco’ and is convinced that bungee jumping will spice up her boring life. Jesse pulls the Dr. Danger card on her and berates her about it, but after a smattering of chickenings out they decide to jump bungee together, ultimately realizing that doing what a nearly-nude comedy granny suggests is a terrible idea.
Key line: “Have mercy!”
The other key line was probably “cut it out”.
As funny as a story about cornfed Becky getting into extreme sports because an Adam Sandler movie character said it was cool is, the best part of the episode is the B-story, wherein DJ, Stephanie and Michelle have the most 1990s argument ever about who is and isn’t going to a Counting Crows concert.
I wish Full House had continued on for another season or two, so we could’ve gotten stories about Duane getting shot into space by NASA and almost burning up in the atmosphere on the way down or whatever. We were only two episodes from Michelle getting amnesia, so a bungee jumping episode isn’t a surprise. Six more episodes and John Stamos would’ve gotten an eye patch and an evil twin.
Episode: “Just One Of The Guys” (season 1, episode 18)
What Happens: Joey and Jesse place moment-specific bets on a Los Angeles Lakers/Boston Celtics game. Joey appears to have a miraculous ability to predict steals and passes, taking all of Jesse’s money until Stephanie snitches and reveals Joey taped the game earlier in the day. Visiting cousin Kirk Cameron watches on and thinks, “VHS tapes are proof that Jesus Is Lord”.
Key line: “I’ll bet that if you don’t give me my money back, YOU’RE GONNA DIE.”
The worst part of the episode is that it’s called “Just One Of The Guys” and doesn’t end with Joyce Hyser tearing open her shirt to reveal her amazing rack.
As an interesting note, the episode revolves around a Tanner cousin (played by “Growing Pains” and “Bananas Disprove Atheism” star Kirk Cameron, as mentioned) visiting and being too old to spend as much time as he used to with DJ, giving her a complex and making her feel unimportant. That cousin’s name? Steve. A few seasons later, DJ falls in love with another guy named Steve and snivels and freaks out about everything he does. Pretty sly psychology at work, Full House.
