In case you haven’t been watching E!’s Total Divas this season – or, much more importantly, following along with my Pulitzer-worthy recaps *pause for 1-hour Stalin-esque applause* – Nikki Bella and John Cena are deeply in love with each other. It’s one of the show’s most important plots, because Cena is arguably the most important figure in the WWE and the company would love nothing more than for the Bella Twins to be its biggest female stars. And also because love is beautiful and all that other bulllllllsh*t.
Like any two people forced to put their love on display for a reality TV series, Nikki and Cena have sex A LOT, but because their relationship is very complicated – Nikki wants to get married but Cena won’t ever get married again – that fiery sexual passion must also provide their greatest complication yet. It was really only a matter of time before Nikki thought she might be pregnant, so let’s get this final Total Divas episode recap of 2013 underway and celebrate a season finale of epic dramatic cliffhangers.
Pre-Episode Total Divas Power Rankings
1) Trinity – Still my favorite Diva of this series’ first season.
2) Brie Bella – The voice of reason among the Bella Twins, and probably only the more likable because she’s dating Daniel Bryan.
3) Nattie – She’s been coming off as a crazy, jealous B-word lately, but her cat just died, so I’m feeling compassionate.
4) JoJo – Someone needs to put JoJo’s face on a milk carton.
5) Nikki Bella and her breasts – Based on the previews, I have a really bad feeling about Nikki’s ranking after this episode.
6) Ariane – She’s dragged down by Vincent and her annoying catchphrases.
7) Eva Marie – She’s the worst.
You Can’t Complete a Sentence Without a Period
Since Brie and Nikki are twin sisters, their special lady times are pretty much the same, so when Brie got her visit from Aunt Period but Nikki didn’t, there was a very convenient cause for alarm. Naturally, because this is such a big deal and needs to be handled in a very delicate manner, as a pregnancy could greatly affect Nikki’s future with the WWE, she decided to take the pregnancy test in a bathroom at the Raw venue. The only thing that was missing from this bit was Steph McMahon walking into the women’s bathroom and chasing the Bella Twins from stall to stall like an old Scooby Doo haunted house bit.
Well, it turns out that Nikki wasn’t pregnant, so what a relief, right? Her response to the thought of “What if it had been positive?” – “Can you imagine if I couldn’t have wine for nine months?” We are all very fortunate that the pregnancy test read: “No.”
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Nattie Drunk Dialed Stephanie McMahon
Earlier this season, we learned that the proper phrase for when one of the Divas gets really drunk is “Brie Mode,” because when Brie gets drunk, she gets crazy. She’s the only person on Earth who gets crazy when she’s drunk, so that’s why it’s called “Brie Mode,” got it? While in New Orleans, Nattie and some of the Divas went out on Bourbon Street, and Nattie decided to get Brie Mode, which eventually led to her drunk dialing Steph McMahon multiple times.
A few thoughts on Nattie’s revelation that she committed this ridiculous drunken act:
1) She and TJ had two beds in their hotel room, and she appeared to be sleeping alone. Does TJ sleep in a separate bed? Because that would be the most Nattie thing ever.
2) Watching a WWE star, and especially a Diva, be reprimanded in her ring attire is HILARIOUS.
3) How many times did Nattie need to drunk dial Steph before Triple H would eventually answer and say, “WHO IS THIS? NOBODY DRUNK DIALS THE WIFE OF THE GREATEST WRESTLER OF ALL-TIME.”
More on this in a bit…
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Eva Marie is Wrestling Tonight and She is FAHREAKING OUT
The one thing that I’ve actually enjoyed about Eva Marie on Total Divas is that we don’t actually have to see her wrestle, so of course that came to a halt in the season finale. The best part about the highlight of Eva Marie wrestling is how the camera cut to people in the crowd with perfect “What the f*ck am I watching?” looks on their faces.
Look, I respect the fact that Eva Marie has taken to this role on Total Divas as the girl who can’t do anything right and is only employed because she’s pretty hot, and I understand that the WWE knows its own product better than any of us H8TERZ. But it’s time to sh*t or get off the pot with this girl already. If she can’t wrestle or remember Ginger Mahal’s name as a ring announcer, then she either needs a pink slip or they should at least make her a full-time valet named The Mute.
But Here’s Eva Marie’s Real Problem
Eva Marie has been dating a total BRO’S BRO named Jonathan for two years, and just how much of a bro is he? He wears a hooded sweatshirt with no shirt on underneath and zipped halfway because THESE PECS NEED AIR, PUSSY! They decided to take a trip to Eva Marie’s hometown together because even though Jonathan has already proposed to Eva Marie, he’s going to ask her father for his permission. This leads us to…
The Line of the Episode
Jonathan asks Eva Marie how far her family’s home is from the airport and she replies, “About 30 minutes… if I can get us there safe.” ALL WHILE SHE IS TEXTING AND DRIVING!!!!!!1!!!1!!!!one!!!
Look, WWE, you can tell us all day long that you’re trying to push a family-friendly program, and I won’t complain or call bullshit when you’re celebrating the Rock for his misogyny or having the cast of Total Divas spent 40% of each show jiggling their breasts. But for the Dude Love of God, can you please stop showing your f*cking so-called role model superstars texting and driving on television?
Jonathan is the Man of Eva Marie’s Dreams
Hey, remember that episode when Eva Marie decided that she wanted to be Fandango’s new valet and lied to everyone about how she was a trained dancer and then used her sexuality to convince Fandango that she was going to sleep with him to get what she wanted? That was a fun episode. Eva Marie really loves her fiancé, you guys.
A Very Important Note About Jonathan
He looks exactly like Scott Stapp.
Anyway, Eva Marie’s family has no idea that she even has a boyfriend, let alone the fact that she’s bringing him home. Obviously, it’s all going to go very well when she introduces her father and brothers to this guy who wore a hooded sweatshirt with nothing underneath it and a flat-brimmed hat as her fiancé.
(Stapp via Getty)
Nikki Bella and Her Friends All Worked at Hooters
Cena flew all of Nikki’s college friends in for a girls weekend, and they were everything that you’d expect from a late-20s/early-30s former college party girl, especially the totally unsurprising revelation that they all worked at Hooters. I’m not knocking* them either. I love Hooters girls, so these girls were right in my wheelhouse.
The fun ends quickly, though, as one of Nikki’s friends – we’ll call her Madysson – points out that Cena’s pool isn’t “kid friendly,” and that leads Nikki to explain that they’re never going to have kids because Cena is a lonely, cold man with no desire to make her an honest woman.
*Pun intended.
Eva Marie’s Dad Hates Every Ounce of Jonathan
Let’s talk about Eva Marie’s dad – he’s the disapproving father from every movie about a kid from the wrong side of the tracks trying to make a name for himself. He’s loud, angry and he doesn’t care at all for Jonathan’s nose ring. That’s right, he has a nose ring. I actually paused the episode and stood several inches away from the screen, because I couldn’t tell if it was a nose ring or a scar or a birth mark. But then Eva Marie’s dad pointed out how terrible it is and confirmed my suspicion.
Additionally, Eva Marie’s equally townie brothers grilled Jonathan about his tattoos, only to discover that he has her name tattooed on his body. This introduction, while clearly fake and scripted, was not thought out very well by Eva Marie, but in her defense, this is what I assume is constantly happening in her brain:
Also, Eva Marie’s brother calls Jonathan out for not wearing a shirt under his hooded sweatshirt and I’ve immediately come to the conclusion that I love Eva Marie’s family so much. That’s a strange thing to admit, I know, because they’d probably tear my spine out of my poop chute if they ever read how horrible I think she is, but they should tie her to a chair and just rip into her with their criticisms until she’s scared straight. It would be for the betterment of all of us.
(I’d just like to point out that I’m already at 1,500 words and not even a fifth of the way through the episode. That’s a testament to what a great episode of TV this is.)
Daniel Bryan is the Boyfriend that We All Want
Brie and Daniel Bryan hit Big Sur for a romantic getaway in a log cabin. It was just a man, a woman and their camera crew. How adorable are Brie and Daniel together? They can talk about taking dumps in front of each other and my response is “Awwwww!”
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Meanwhile, in Romantic Tampa, Florida
Cena is taking Nikki and her posse to a very fancy dinner, where the first thing that is discussed is how one of the girls once took a dump in a sink. On a scale from 1 to 10, with 1 being poop-free and 10 being “HEY CLARK, THE SHITTER’S FULL,” this episode is a 9 on women pooping. Fortunately for us monocle-wearing elitists, the conversation soon turns to the girls grilling Cena about why he doesn’t want to have a kid anytime soon.
I agree with Cena’s reluctance to not have kids, from his selfish lifestyle to the fact that he’s a professional athlete and entertainer living on the road for the majority of the year. Who’s going to raise a kid between Cena and Nikki, when both of them are on TV all the time? It’s sure as hell not going to be me, unless they’re willing to pay me a large salary, in which case I will raise Cena’s kid and call my own show, “Bringing Up Burnsy.” MAKE THIS F*CKING HAPPEN, E!
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Jonathan Finally Asks for Eva Marie’s Family’s Blessing
This was amazing TV. If I wrote a year-end list of the best moments of TV in 2013, this would be sandwiched somewhere in between Brooklyn Nine-Nine coming into my life and everything James Spader has done on The Blacklist. Eva Marie’s dad screaming at Jonathan made my heart smile. Watching Eva Marie turn her back on her family, though? That’s some serious heel sh*t right there.
One Engagement that Actually Worked Out
I swear that when Daniel popped the question to Brie and she said, “OH. MY. GOSH.” I thought she was going to add, “You are soooooooo GAY BALLS.” But what this man did for Brie for their engagement… holy crap, man. Daniel Bryan just made all of us guys everywhere look like total freaking losers.
Of course, Brie’s incredible engagement plays second fiddle to Nikki’s desire to force Cena to marry her, so instead of reveling in the incredible act of love that Daniel pulled off, Brie had to tell Nikki to just go for it or whatever nonsense they discussed.
Time for Nattie to Face the Music
The good thing about Nattie drunk dialing Steph McMahon nine times is that she did it in front of a camera crew, so they can just play us the footage of what happened. Each of the voicemails had to do with Nattie wanting to be the WWE Divas champion and being frustrated that she isn’t, because she’s related to The Anvil and whatnot. But then she started drunkenly screaming that she was quitting the WWE, and they were hilariously bad.
Steph is a compassionate boss, though, and they hugged it out along with the promise that Nattie will one day become the Divas Champion. Honestly, this plotline was a huge letdown. They should write this into Nattie’s story, that she’s a falldown party girl drunk and she drunk dials everyone, and that’s how she challenges Divas to matches.
Nikki Finally Lays Down the Cliffhanger
Cena has been adamant throughout this entire series, and I guess his relationship with Nikki, that he will not get married again, because he just got through with a nasty divorce and he understandably doesn’t want to deal with that twice. Nikki wants to have what Brie is having with Daniel, though, so she once again presses the issue with Cena and… TO BE CONTINUED IN MARCH 2014!
My prediction? The first episode of the second season starts with Nikki and Cena hugging and kissing and they move on as a happy couple. I know, that would be way too shocking.
Post-Episode Total Divas Power Rankings
1) Brie Bella – Again, she’s the benefactor of Daniel Bryan’s awesomeness.
2) Trinity – She was completely absent from the season finale. This is some serious BS, WWE.
3) JoJo – She had about 15 seconds of facetime, so I expect her to be completely phased out next season. Or replaced by a precocious child.
4) Nikki Bella – I still think she’s stupid for trying to push Cena to propose, but she’s better than the remaining three girls.
5) Ariane – I wanted her to slap Nattie for telling her that she dances like a prostitute.
6) Nattie – I wanted Steph to slap her for drunk dialing her.
7) Eva Marie – Hopefully E! and the WWE think of something worthwhile for her to do in the second season, because barely being able to speak in complete sentences is not a charming trait.
See you next season, you animals.
