Here’s The Stuff Jay Z Wants You To Buy Him For His Birthday

December 4th, a child was born.

Yes, it’s Jay Z day, and this year Shawn Carter is celebrating his 47th birthday. Undoubtedly he’ll spend his day doing something amazing, expensive and surrounded by loved ones. Beyonce will be there, so will little Blue Ivy and Jay is closing in on a billion-dollar net worth, so he doesn’t really need anything. Still, it’s the man’s birthday and everybody deserves gifts on their birthday, it’s tradition.

So that brings up the age old question: what do you give the man who has everything. Unfortunately for us, Jay doesn’t have one of those Amazon wish lists online that makes it easy for potential gift givers. Fortunately for us, we have 20 years of Jay Z in our lives that should make it simple enough to figure this out and get the new 47-year-old exactly what he’s clamoring for on his birthday. So here are your best options, if you’re on a budget, if you have Jay Z money and everything between. You can get Blue’s daddy a gift if you please and here are the best ideas for what to get the man that has everything.

Banana Pudding

When Jay uttered the words “Banana pudding,” on his Blueprint track “Blueprint (Momma Loves Me)” he said it with such conviction that you just know that succulent dessert dish was near and dear to his heart. So why not whip up some banana pudding for Jay on his special day? You can head to your local grocery store to grab the requisite items or if you’re lazy, Postmates will deliver you some groceries in a jiffy.

Tidal Subscription

Trust me, Jay Z would very much like for you to purchase a Tidal Subscription. It would be the perfect birthday gift for him. He’s practically begging you. You can even get several. He has his own subscription but he won’t mind another. Especially if you pay for it up front and don’t get a trial subscription. You can purchase a Tidal subscription for $9.99-19.99 at the Tidal Website here.

Diving Lessons

As time goes on, Jay slowly morphs into the nearly 50-year-old guy he is, dad bod and all, so he’ll inevitably have those embarrassing moments that all middle aged dudes have. His dive into the Tyrrhenian Sea on Beyonce’s birthday a few years ago is the perfect example. Granted, as dorky as he looked — and he was pretty damn dorky — this still was happening off the north coast of Sicily, while on vacation with Beyonce, on a massive yacht doing tons of wealthy people things. So my guess is Jay couldn’t care less about any embarrassment he suffered when the paparazzi snapped that picture.

Still, his diving form clearly needs some work, because even Jay Z isn’t perfect. So, for just $325 you can get Hov four open water diving lessons to get him ocean ready at Pan Aqua Diving in New York. That way, next time he dives off a gigantic luxury vehicle, into a warm, beautiful sea, next to the most gorgeous woman on the planet, he can do so in style.

Caller ID

Kanye West wants Jay Z to call him. Desperately. He’s begging him. Even though it seems Jay has yet to make that call, my guess is Kanye has tried to preempt him and cold call Jay. Like most 47 year olds, there’s a fairly good chance that Hov’s home features an actual landline, home phone. With cords and everything. While he’s headed to a billion dollars, his old age says this phone might not even be digital, just one of those old deals with the numbers and a clicker. So to be safe, and avoid his work friend Kanye as best he can, it would be nice for the Carter home to be outfitted with a good, old-fashioned caller ID, which can be purchased at Best Buy for just $24.99.

Pretty Fly For A Mai Tai

Jay Z likes rapping about Mai Tais a lot, mostly because it rhymes with his buddy Ty Ty’s name, but whatever the reason the rum and lime juice cocktail has snuck itself into his raps a ton. So why not grab him Pretty Fly For A Mai Tai, an entire book about Mai Tais and their relation to rock and roll. Oh, and there’s 75 drink recipes for Ja- I mean Jay’s personal bartender to use whenever Jay is in the mood for his favorite drink. Pretty Fly For A Mai Tai can be purchased at Barnes and Noble for $12.99 here.

Valencia’s Boyfriend’s Volvo

Everybody loves nostalgia, even nostalgia for the good ol’ days when you used you friend’s incarcerated boyfriend’s car to sell massive amounts of drugs to make enough money to start a record label one day. Jay Z is part of everybody, believe it or not, and he sure did use his friend Valencia’s boyfriend’s car while he was in jail to sell massive amounts of drugs. So why not get him that car, or something similar. So yeah, you can either cop Valencia’s boyfriend’s Volvo, or at least this diecast model of an old Volvo for $156.41 on eBay. They probably cost about the same price so the decision is yours, a complete Volvo, or 1/18th of one, Jay is sure to appreciate either one.

Quarterback Camp

Much like his diving display, the image of the greatest rapper of all time throwing a football like it weighed as much as a wrecking ball was amusing, embarrassing, meme-able and silly all at once. For whatever reason, Jay doing anything that requires physical exertion is just hilarious. But look, maybe he has aspirations on the gridiron, after all, he did once describe himself as “throwed like a football.” So why not get him lessons from the greatest living quarterback on Earth, Derek Carr.

(Sorry, but not really sorry, the Raider fan in me had to poke through there.)

For just $80 Jay can attend the Carr Elite Football camp and get personal lessons on all things football, including throwing and quarterbacking, from Derek, his brother and former NFL quarterback David and the entire Carr family. Granted, the camp is for kids ages 8-11, but I’d imagine the Carr family will make an exception for Mr. Carter. You can sign Jay up for the entire four-week camp in Bakersfield, California here.

92 Bricks

Well, we all know the story. Jay Z somehow lost 92 entire bricks, and somehow crawled back. Now, don’t get any silly ideas and go out purchasing massive quantities of cocaine to give to Jay for his birthday. There are laws that forbid such things. But bricks? Actual, standard, red, clay bricks? Those can be purchased at Home Depot for just $0.53. You can get him all his bricks back for less than 50 bucks. The mass of that box would surely make for a hilarious scene at the birthday party, as would the look on Jay’s face when he sees the bricks, and realizes there are NINETY TWO of them damn things in there.

Now if you’re truly close enough to Jay Z to actually purchase and give him a birthday present, there’s a fair chance you have your fair share of cash, or fair share of his cash, whatever the arrangement. If so, why not go a little crazy, and make those bricks special edition Supreme bricks. Those box logo collectors items run anywhere from $50 to $125 — or $1,000 for the silliest of resellers — on eBay.