‘Game Of Thrones’ Power Rankings: Let’s Speculate On Where The Show’s Characters Will Be In Five Years

Well, it’s finally over, folks. Jon killing his aunt/lover Daenerys seemed too obvious in some way, so it was a little surprising when it actually happened. I figured that the thrust of this story was always that the Starks were a little too damned honorable for their own good, and that if anyone could be just a hair more calculating and ruthless than her rival it’d be Daenerys more than Jon. Extremism triumphs, the humans end up killing each other, and eventually, a return to entropy. But hey, I’m a sucker for entropy.

Instead, the “good guy” murdered “the tyrant” for “the good of the realm” (I did enjoy the depiction of how someone gradually becomes a tyrant). And the realm ended up with the weird disabled kid who spent all the major events of this war dicking around with his pet crows on the throne. What a twist! Huge win for shut-in cat people everywhere.

My hopes that the whole thing would end with Podrick giving his huge penis a pep talk in the mirror, Boogie Nights-style, were dashed. But I guess it was still better than the Lost finale. At least it didn’t all come down to “high five for watching this” like Lost, though Tyrion going on about “the most powerful thing in the world is a story” did come pretty close. “Friends, when all is said and done, can’t we all agree that it was great that this was a show?”

Anyway, rather than a traditional power ranking, I thought we’d take this final installment to envision what each character will be doing in the months and years to come.

Daenerys

10 damn years of lusting after the Iron Throne and all she got was 10 seconds of “just the tip, just to see if it feels good” with the armrest. And then ruthlessly murdered by the guy who couldn’t give her good sex to save the kingdom. Rough draw.

Crazy that a paranoid, power-mad queen with a savior complex wouldn’t notice that her most obvious rival had come to kill her, isn’t it? If only she’d been nicer to Jaime Lannister, she could’ve asked him his secret to being nearly impervious to dagger wounds. Ah, well. As an animal-loving misanthrope, I mostly weep for her motherless dragon. That the dragon carried her off, presumably to some respectful burial ground, proves that dragons are more like dogs than cats. A cat-dragon would’ve eaten her before the body was cold.

Daenerys in five years: The Night Queen.

Bran

Bran became king, all thanks to one impassioned speech by a dwarf prisoner who has pretty much never been right, whom Bran immediately made his hand. Meanwhile, Bran’s older sister told the entire realm that his dick doesn’t work and he spent his first cabinet meeting ignoring all human matters to think about dragons. No, I can’t see this working out very well. And what happened to all those crows Bran sent off during the battle of Winterfell? Did they accomplish anything?

The best that I can hope for is that now that Bran is king he can finally get an adult’s haircut. Honestly, what is even happening up there? And he always has that stupid expression on his face. If I’d just started watching this show I would’ve assumed he’s named “Bran” because he always looks like he just shit his pants. I envision Tyrion bursting into the king’s chambers to decide some important business, finding Bran yet again with whitened eyeballs and a thin stream of drool trailing down his chin.

TYRION: Your grace… are you having bird sex again?

Bran’s pupils snap back into focus

BRAN: Huh? Oh, no… I was… just, uh… looking for the dragon. Another few days and I think I’ll have it all nailed down. Just close the door behind you so I can concentrate better.

Bran in five years: having bird sex while the city burns.

Tyrion

To recap: Tyrion resigned as hand, talked Jon into murdering Daenerys, talked the lords of the seven kingdoms into naming Bran the king “because he has the best story,” and became the king’s hand. What an arc!

“Ser Tyrion, now that you’ve fucked up absolutely everything you’ve ever touched, here’s some more power.”

Are the Lannisters the Bush family? They keep failing their way into more and more power. Finally, Tyrion spent the final minutes of the show reminiscing about whorehouses and being overly precious about his interior design.

Tyrion in five years: After a series of increasingly short-sighted decisions, Tyrion bankrupts the realm on plans for a monorail.

Jon

For a while, I was convinced Jon was the biggest idiot in Westeros. He killed Daenerys and his dragon immediately flew off with the evidence. The perfect crime! (Exactly like when I blame my farts on the dog.) Leaving aside the idiocy of yet another “animals can smell royalty” plotline (anyone remember the bees from Jupiter Ascending?), how did all of Westeros immediately discover that he’d killed her?

Presumably, Jon just blabbed about it to everyone no matter how self-defeating that was, as Jon tends to do. His ultimate saving grace was ending the season fucking off to wildling land with his dog (he doesn’t deserve you, Ghost!), presumably leaving the gold worshiping “kneelers” in the seven kingdoms behind forever to become Mance Rayder 2.0. Smartest thing Jon ever did.

Jon in five years: Henpecked by a head-strong wildling woman, warging into his wolf every time she starts in on him.

Arya

Amazing that Arya just sat there while Tyrion told the Lords of Westeros that “Bran had the best story.” Huh. Because Bran disappeared for almost an entire season there. If that was the best story, what were we watching?

Meanwhile, Arya became a faceless assassin, killed some people and went blind for a while, snuck out of and back into Westeros, killed the Night King, and survived the burning of King’s Landing from inside the walls. And Bran has the best story? He slept inside a tree and spent a whole battle having bird sex.

But again, all the smart characters immediately got the hell out of Westeros, including Arya, who boarded a big ship to try to find out “what’s west of Westeros.” I guess she’s going to become the Christopher Columbus of Westeros now?

By the way, did she really need a wolf prow, a wolf sail, and wolves all over everything to remind people that she’s a Stark? I thought the Starks were supposed to be the ones with humility, when did they turn into Donald Trump?

Arya in five years: going on semester after semester abroad, returning more and more obnoxious with each one. “Um, it’s actually pronounced ‘PEN-tosh.'”

Brienne

I couldn’t beat Twitter to any of the best jokes about her Brienne’s burn book, and I’m okay with that.

https://twitter.com/arayyay/status/1130295190927937536

Brienne in five years: secretly banging Podrick Payne, who won’t admit they’re in a relationship; really into scrapbooking.

Sansa

Jesus Christ I can’t believe they ended Sansa’s arc on a “getting dressed” montage. Cool leaf pattern in the sleeves though. Anyway, Sansa seemed to get a lot of credit at the end there for “being right” about Daenerys and not much recognition of her almost ruining everything. Was she farsighted or just a jealous hater for whom things just happened to work out?

Sansa held firm to her principles, namely, her principles of ruthlessly undermining her own family members in public and disagreeing with everyone always. Somehow she was still awarded Queenship of the North. She now takes her seat at Winterfell, a city almost as ruined as King’s Landing and twice as cold, with no husband or close allies, surrounded by greedy, grumbly, miserable northmen.

Sansa in five years: In a loveless marriage to her cousin, Breastmilk Robyn the Moonboy, Lord of the Veil, and daily plotting his death. Cersei in furs, basically.

Sam

Hey, when did Sam become a maester? Didn’t he bail on maester school a few months in and steal a few books on the way out? And yet he still came back from the Citadel full of ideas about democracy and cocky from having finally gotten laid. Typical.

Sam in five years: defrocked by the Citadel and disillusioned about democracy, Sam takes over Little Finger’s network of brothels and describes himself as a libertarian.

Vince Mancini is on Twitter. You can access his archive of reviews here.