Thanksgiving is a strange holiday. Problematic roots aside, it’s all about getting together with every member of your family, including the ones you specifically make an effort to never see, to eat lukewarm food together way too early (Thanksgiving dinner at 4 pm? Get the f*ck out of here). By the end of the night, half of the family is going to get locked into weird political conversations — especially this year — while the other half is going to leave to go on a suspiciously long walk and come back with bloodshot eyes and an insatiable craving for seconds.
All of that is weird enough, but politics and lukewarm food aside, the weirdest part of Thanksgiving is just how awful the combination of foods can be if you play it wrong. Sure, some families are blessed with multiple members who have real skills in the kitchen, making Thanksgiving dinner a legit spread of delicious flavors, but that’s not everyone’s family. And for every universally delicious dish like mashed potatoes, warm gravy, gooey macaroni and cheese, and decadent pumpkin pie, there are at least two Thanksgiving staples that in any other year, you’d never eat.
Candied yams, canned cranberry sauce, the abomination that is Ambrosia — why the hell are we forcing ourselves to like these dishes? Who decided to make these the staple dishes of this Holiday, and have they ever been invited to another Thanksgiving Dinner since? We think not. So, to mark the holiday, we’re here to rank the very worst Thanksgiving sides, from mildly offensive to so bad you’re probably going to get kicked out of the family if you bring them.
Let’s eat! Or, you know… not.
9. Turkey
Why We Hate This Dish:
Is it weird to put turkey on a list of the worst Thanksgiving foods considering it’s the centerpiece dish of the whole holiday? Only in optics! Look, I don’t have anything against turkey itself, but during Thanksgiving, the person who cooks the turkey is usually the person who has always cooked the turkey. What I mean by that is that the person responsible for this dish is given that responsibility because of tradition, not because they’re skilled in the kitchen. And there are a lot of ways to f*ck up a turkey!
Thanksgiving is a holiday that centers around food that is usually cooked elsewhere and then re-heated hours, maybe even days, later. This causes dishes like turkey, to dry out. A lot of people also don’t bother to brine or even dry-brine their bird, which, again, adds to the dryness. I’m not saying it’s impossible for turkey to be good at Thanksgiving, I’m just saying it’s unlikely.
The Bottom Line:
Yes, it’s the centerpiece of the holiday, but it doesn’t have to be.
8. Apple Pie
Why We Hate This Dish:
I don’t hate apple pie, I just think of the famous Thanksgiving pies, apple is always a letdown. To quote Prince, “dig if you will the picture:” you just finished dinner and now you’re looking for a dessert. “We have pie!” says your cousin’s wife. You eagerly walk to the kitchen, plate in hand, and find not a pumpkin or pecan pie, but a f*cking apple pie.
Is it even worth it to get a slice? We don’t think so. You know who ends up with an apple pie on Thanksgiving? The person who hit the market too late.
The Bottom Line:
The only Thanksgiving pie that inspires disappointment.
7. Glazed Carrots
Why We Hate This Dish:
I think we can all agree that Thanksgiving doesn’t have enough vegetable sides, but what makes me frustrated is that the vegetable sides that are staples are sh*t like glazed carrots and creamed spinach. Glazed carrots are the laziest dish a person could make, all that you need to do is toss them in brown sugar and butter, throw them in the oven, set it, and forget it.
No, literally, please forget them, nobody likes it when you show up to the table with these things, it just telegraphs to the world that you couldn’t be bothered enough to care to make an actual dish. There is a reason there is always an abundance of glazed carrots by the end of the night — people only eat them because they feel they need to make up for all the mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese, and stuffing they’ve already loaded up their plate with.
The Bottom Line:
A low-effort dish that people only eat because they feel like they have to.
6. Creamed Spinach
Why We Hate This Dish:
I mentioned this dish in passing during the last entry so you had to see it coming! I need to know, who likes creamed spinach? Which one of you is into this dish that tastes like dirt and has the consistency and texture of a swamp puddle?
To be fair to my editor who likes creamed spinach, there is a time and place for this dish, the time and place just isn’t Thanksgiving dinner. Pair this side dish with a bloody, savory steak, not a dry as f*ck turkey and some sweet ham, and it starts to make sense. But as a Thanksgiving side, it’s one of the worst.
The Bottom Line:
Good, if you like eating dirt.
5. Candied Yams
Why We Hate This Dish:
I’ve never seen a more beautiful dish visually that tastes like absolute garbage. Candied yams are just way too damn sweet! Yams are already pretty sweet on their own, but once you add brown sugar, vanilla extract, or any other sweet dessert ingredients to the dish, it makes them taste like, well, as the name would suggest — candy.
And what do you pair with this sugar bomb? Baked ham is already sweet, and roast beef pairs better with mashed potatoes and gravy, so that leaves, what, turkey? You know how we feel about that bird!
The Bottom Line:
A sweet potato casserole is always the better choice.
4. Jello Salad
Why We Hate This Dish:
Oh f*ck right off.
The Bottom Line:
Enough said.
3. A Corn Dish That Isn’t Cornbread
Why We Hate This Dish:
If you rolled up to Thanksgiving dinner with a bowl of corn you opened from a can and boiled, then know, everyone hates you. Boiled corn is not a dish! We’ve said it before but Thanksgiving doesn’t have enough vegetable dishes, and that’s because people keep doing the bare minimum, turning Thanksgiving into the worst potluck of all time.
The only corn-related dish that belongs on the table is cornbread. And look, you don’t have to make it from scratch either. Buy a box of Jiffy, dice up a jalapeño, mix in some Greek yogurt for added moistness, and voila! You’ve got spicy jalapeño cornbread. Tell us that doesn’t sound delicious.
The Bottom Line:
If you bring corn to the table, you’re not even trying.
2. Canned Cranberry Sauce
Why We Hate This Dish:
You can make the case that when done right, like say using Uproxx’s former drinks writer Zach Johnston’s homemade bourbon-cranberry sauce recipe, this dish can pop off. A good homemade cranberry sauce can add tart and sweet dimension and complexity to various Thanksgiving staples. But most of the time, it comes from a can, and it’s awful.
The canned stuff usually has extra sugar and preservatives that not only diminish the wonderful health benefits of cranberries, but makes the stuff have a weird chemical or perfumed aftertaste that overwhelms rather than elevates.
The Bottom Line:
Great if you can make it from scratch, but most of the time its only on the table because of tradition.
1. Ambrosia
Why We Hate This Dish:
Straight up, this dish is garbage. It looks like what I imagine clown throw-up looks like. Ambrosia comes from Greek mythology, and it’s supposed to be the food of the gods, who invented this dish, Hermes? Get it? Because Hermes is famous for being a prankster… too nerdy? Okay, I apologize fully for that joke, but I still stand by calling this the absolute worst Thanksgiving dinner dish ever.
This fruit salad features pineapple, mandarin oranges (both usually from a can), rainbow marshmallows, coconut, and whipped cream. Just typing that out makes my stomach turn. The result is a mix of artificial sweetness with a strange tropical undertone that doesn’t complement the herbaceous fall flavors of Thanksgiving dinner. To make this dish even worse, it’s often left out on the table instead of refrigerated, which results in the whipped cream melting and creating a disgusting puddle of swampy sweetness.
The Bottom Line:
Straight-up offensive.
