Guys, we live in a cruel world. A world filled with death, betrayal, dishonesty, greed and corruption. It’s enough to make you want to move to a desolate island and bury your head in the sand to escape it all.
But what keeps us going, what keeps us from going off to that desolate island, is the beauty in the world. It’s the love and the LOLs. And football, of course. Those things — those beautiful, beautiful things — are what sustains us. We live for these things, for they bring joy — an almost irrational joy — to our hearts.
And then there’s this, which takes love for life in this moment in time to a whole other level: some nice lady named Mariah Yeater claims that Justin Bieber is the father of her child. Reports Radar Online:
In a hand-signed affidavit, sworn under the penalty of perjury, Yeater wrote that a security guard working for Bieber approached her and “asked if I wanted to meet Justin Bieber” before whisking her backstage.
…
“Immediately, it was obvious that we were mutually attracted to one another, and we began to kiss. Shortly thereafter, Justin Bieber suggested that I go with him to a private place where we could be alone.
“I agreed to go with him and on the walk to a private area, he told me he wanted to make love to me and this was going to be his first time.
Mariah also told the court: “After walking away from the other people backstage, Justin Bieber found a place where we could be alone — a bathroom.
“We went inside and immediately his personality changed drastically. He began touching me and repeatedly said he wanted to f*ck the sh*t out of me. At the time I asked him to put a condom for protection, but he insisted that he did not want to.
“In his own words, he said that because it was his first time he wanted to feel everything.”
Justin then “quickly took off my clothes,” she said — and the pair had sex.
“He was on top of me with my legs around him. At the time I was on top of some type of shelf. The sexual intercourse itself was brief, lasting only approximately 30 seconds.”
Why do I get the feeling that Bieber probably has used the “I’m a virgin so I don’t want to wear a rubber” line before? That little f*cker’s probably been running that game on starstruck teenage girls for a while and is secretly a walking petri dish of human social disease.
Yeater is demanding that Bieber take a paternity test (a results reveal on Maury, perhaps?) to “scientifically confirm” he is the father of the child, according to the court papers her attorneys filed, which led me to ask this question to myself last night: has there ever been a funnier sequence of words strung together than “Justin Bieber paternity test?”
I think not, dear reader. I think not.
Commence making your inevitable “Baby, Baby, Baby” jokes, internet!
