On December 6th, 2014, the Pistons suffered one of the worst losses in franchise history, falling to the lowly Philadelphia 76ers at home in overtime. Ten years removed from an NBA championship, a once proud franchise has been reduced to the laughingstock of the NBA.
On Dec 7th, 2014, I decided to attend their home game against the Oklahoma City Thunder by myself, from opening tip to the final buzzer.
This is my story.
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5:32: I arrive at the Palace. There’s nobody there. I spot an old Ben Wallace afro wig bumbling through the parking lot like tumbleweed.
https://twitter.com/WorldofIsaac/status/541721867594526721
5:40: There’s a live band tonight situated in a corner section of the upper deck. Nobody’s sitting near them, mostly because nobody’s sitting in the upper deck. I’m already bored. The game hasn’t tipped off yet.
5:52: I accidentally refer to the Pistons mascot, Hooper, as “Hoover.” A bunch of people tweet about the Pistons sucking. We’re off to a great start.
5:55: A Palace employee asks two people behind me if they want to move to the lower bowl. The game is not sold out.
6:03: Pistons reserve swingman Gigi Datome tries a wild alley-oop off the backboard for a dunk in warmups. He misses it. It’s terrible. Everybody laughs at him. He’s probably not playing tonight.
6:10: Kevin Durant receives a standing ovation and huge cheers from the crowd during pregame intros. This game is in Detroit, right?
6:17: A man in a Lions sweatshirt informs me I’m in his seat. He’s rude about it. He’s kind of an a$$hole. I crop dust him as I find one of the 15,000 open seats.
6:25:
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6:35: Andre Drummond throws down a lob and the Pistons are up 11 in the first quarter. This is fool’s gold.
6:42: An attractive woman sitting in the front row lets her souvenir ball roll on the court during a timeout. As she bends over, Hooper kicks her in the butt. I’ve determined that Hooper’s better at picking up women than me.
6:55: The Dance Cam comes on. Lady seated across the aisle from me goes to town. She jokingly hits her husband in the face with her butt. There’s a lot of butt play tonight at the Palace.
6:57: I try to make a funny joke on Twitter.
https://twitter.com/WorldofIsaac/status/541743218304765953
7:03: A man tries to start a “Let’s Go Pistons” chant, one woman claps. There’s dead silence as he realizes how lame he is.
7:09: The same man screams “DETROIT BASKETBALL” after they turn the ball over. He doesn’t understand basketball.
7:15: The Pistons lead 55-48 at halftime. This is fool’s gold.
7:26: I pay $11.25 for a hamburger and fries. I’m on a diet. I convince myself that eating fries is an important part of this running diary. I’m a bad liar. I’m also fat.
7:27: I tweet a picture of fries with mustard. A Twitter war breaks out.
https://twitter.com/WorldofIsaac/status/541750625525325824
7:48: The jumbotron shows a Pistons dancer twerking like a stripper. The Asian men in front of me cheer. This is a terrible stereotype.
https://twitter.com/WorldofIsaac/status/541756256667447297
7:50: A woman screams “use it” after a Thunder turnover. I’m surrounded by basketball morons.
7:56: Someone around me farted. It’s putrid.
7:57: No wait, that was me.
7:58: Yep, definitely me.
8:04: After a terrible sequence, I lead the crowd in booing the Pistons. It was the loudest the Palace has been since the ’04 championship.
8:06: Russell Westbrook just stole the Pistons’ soul with one of the best dunks of the NBA season. Something moved in my pants.
8:15: With five minutes left, I get a text from my sister telling me she’s also at the game, sitting right by the Pistons bench. Our family is bad at communication.
8:16: My sister waves at me. I pretend to wave back while giving her the finger.
8:23: The Pistons are making a comeback, they’re down two points. This is fool’s gold.
8:24: Brandon Jennings passes up a layup and gives it to Josh Smith for a game-winning three. He bricks it badly. It is the most Pistons thing ever.
8:24: I let out an obscene f-bomb despite dozens of children around me. I’m not a good person.
8:27: I buy a basketball as a memento for this terrible experience. It is $10. I should buy another hamburger instead.
8:32: I get in the car. I question why I came to this game in the first place.
8:33: I fart again. I blame the fries… and the mustard.
