I’m not a cheap tipper. I swear. When I bashed American tipping practices last week, the backlash was, well, not fun. It’s funny how e-mails from anonymous people actually affect my day. To the point that I felt it necessary to clarify my stance on tipping in this week’s DimeBag. So let’s clear the air: I’m a firm believer in the “tip ’til they disappoint you” method. Meaning, tipping well from the get-go can only bring satisfaction for all parties. But don’t forget the thank yous with direct eye contact. Gestures of sincerity are always rewarded handsomely. Alright, enough of that. Onto the rest of your varied and thoughtful queries.
Shawne, New Jersey:
Yo where do i get free copies of dime? Thanx.
My bad. Ignore that. Onto the actual DimeBag. And yes, that e-mail was real.
Reed, Florida:
What percentage of NBA players actually read their contracts? Like the fine print and everything.
Probably close to zero, simply because that’s what agents are for. Then again, this does bring up something I’ve always wondered: Do NBA GMs ever try to pull a fast one by slipping in some obscure clause that’s blatantly in their favor? The answer is definitely no, but I’d love to see someone try. Like what if the Miami Heat (who are reportedly interested in Eddy Curry) slipped in a clause that Curry’s contract would become void if he were caught eating McDonald’s? Or what if the Lakers slipped in a “maximum amount of times you can smack your lips together in one interview” clause for Kobe? That might just be the most annoying interview tick ever.
KDThunderUp, Oklahoma City:
The NBA mandates interview time for certain players after every NBA game. Then they get mad when players say the wrong thing. Obviously there are a bunch of repeat offenders. So why do they keep mandating guys like Gilbert Arenas to interview?
I don’t think you can make exceptions for certain guys, but it’s still pretty hilarious. I mean, have you ever seen Arenas’ Twitter feed? He spent an entire night tweeting about how awful the girl he was on a date with was. But whether the league likes it or not, guys like him make the NBA worth following 24/7. Basketball is a sport for people, played by people, run by people, watched by people.
But my thoughts are more long-term when it comes to guys like Arenas. We always hear stories from older players about how they were just young fools back in the day. Arenas is 29 – he’s no kid anymore. How does he justify his actions in 30 years? That’s why I would literally pay to be the guy who writes his biography. Although it would definitely be partially terrifying.
Josh, Washington, D.C.:
When Mark Jones interviewed Jonas Valanciunas at the draft, do you think that conversation where Jonas compared himself to Bosh actually happen? Or did Jones try to sound intelligent and just completely fail?
I’ll take the latter, please. Those post-draft interviews are amazing for one reason only: You can only say something dumb. Besides thanking family and God, there’s not much else to say. (Dime bet of the week: What percentage of players thank God first in their post-game interviews? Over/Under: 65%) In this scenario, the situation was completely reversed. When Jonas spoke, it was clear that someone threw a dictionary in his face on the plane to New Jersey and said, “Go!” Even when an interviewer asks a terrible question, you answer politely. Agree, say a few words, move on. No one briefed Jonas on this simple rule, and the results were fantastic. And the best part was, Jonas expanded! He went on to explain that he’s faster than Bosh, but Bosh is stronger. Jones’ response? “He’ll get better at his English.” Pardon me, Mr. Jones, but his English was pretty clear. So congratulations for getting owned by a guy who used his 100-word English vocabulary to embarrass you on national television.
Cameron, San Francisco:
If you could make one NBA rule change, what would it be?
That’s easy – add in one-and-one free throws. In my ideal NBA, it’s one-and-one after five fouls and two shots after eight. If the NBA wants to call tick-tack fouls, there has to be some leeway. I think this is the happy middle ground. Look at college. What if March Madness all of a sudden switched it to two shots every time? We would have lost maybe half of the epic Gus Johnson moments in the past 10 years. In the NBA, how much crap would LeBron get if he missed the first shot in a late-game situation? More importantly, how far would Shaq‘s free throw percentage have gone down if had it been one-and-one for his whole career? I’ll put it around 25%.
There’s just something about rewarding teams that draw fouls with free throws that’s off-putting. If you get fouled 90-feet away from the basket, even if you’re in the penalty, you still shouldn’t get a chance at two points. It’s a little ridiculous. Kind of like how the ball advances to half-court for no reason sometimes. Usually we don’t question tradition because it’s tradition. My longtime basketball coach always used to say to me, “Practice makes confident idiots, but perfect practice makes perfect.” That’s what we have here: Millions of people worldwide blindly accepting of arbitrary rules.
Anonymous:
Serious question: Is March Madness the best time of the year?
Serious answer: Yes. There’s only one reason why. It’s the only time when random teams from random conferences you’ve never heard of can directly improve your day. If Western Kentucky is playing Florida International on ESPN in primetime, would you be happy? Of course not. You’d probably mutter under your breath, switch to ESPN2 and delude yourself into thinking that MLS Soccer is tolerable. So now let’s switch the scenario. It’s March, first round of the tournament, and Western Kentucky and Florida International are playing the 8-9 game. Are you watching? Absolutely. Maybe it’s because you have money on the game. Maybe it’s because your favorite team could play one of them next. Maybe it’s because Gus is calling the game (a tear just splattered on my keyboard). Or maybe it’s because single-elimination playoffs are exciting. It’s why we actually pay attention to the Little League World Series, where three kids are just blatantly better than everyone else (except there are no steroids involved – just altered birth certificates. Wait, that happens in real baseball too). NCAA basketball takes relatively high-quality basketball, single-elimination playoffs and kids completely unready for the national stage and throws them together. The result? Chaos. But amazing chaos. Any time you can mix high stakes, absurd pressure and child-like passion, great things are guaranteed.
That’s all for this week. Check back next Wednesday for Volume IV.
HOW TO SUBMIT: E-mail dimebag@dimemag.com with your question/story/idea and include your name and hometown. If you really insist on being a sketchy anonymous Internet weirdo, I guess I can’t stop you. So at least provide some sort of name and location.
Follow Dylan on Twitter at @DylanBotB.
Follow Dime on Twitter at @DimeMag.
Become a fan of Dime Magazine on Facebook HERE.
