HOW TO SUBMIT: E-mail dimebag@dimemag.com with your question/story/idea and include your name and hometown.
Another week, another DimeBag. This week the DimeBag covers the annoyance of links, the 2008 Jason Kidd trade to Dallas, and J.R. Smith having red hair.
Archie, Pasadena:
How much would you pay to sit on the end of the bench for one NBA game? You’d get to be in the huddles, high five the starters when they play well, etc.
So essentially you’re asking if I’d like to be Brian Scalabrine for a day, and the answer is yes. Although I’d probably like to avoid moments like these. On another note, I will be fortunate enough to be a Knicks ball boy for one game during the season (insert lockout joke) – and yes, I plan on snagging as much gear as possible. You’d think that being on the media side of basketball would temper my childish excitability, but no. Anyone that says they don’t have to restrain themselves from saying outloud, “Holy shit, I’m talking to LeBron James right now” is lying. I mean, that’s why you get into sports writing in the first place. Broken down to it’s core, it’s essentially an excuse to be a large child forever. If I asked your 10-year-old self what your favorite thing to do was and you responded “corporate litigation,” I’d smack you across the face and spit on your Polo sweater. And then I’d throw your boat shoes at you. Sports writing is the next best thing to sitting on the bench – and any writer who argues otherwise has lost his grasp with reality.
Daniel, Chicago:
Since the NBA is locked out, can we start airing SlamBall again? Trampolines. Face-offs. Convicts. I’d rather watch plays like this with unknowns than some blurry footage of an empty gym in Europe to see Deron Williams and some Turkish guys.
Couldn’t agree more. For those of you that didn’t click on the video, do it. Trust me, I’m acutely aware of the difficulty of following links, especially to YouTube videos. You have to wait for the little spinny thing to go, and then sometimes the video doesn’t load properly so it’s always buffering. And the worst part? There’s nothing you can do. It’s not like the old N64 games where you could blow on the game or the console and somehow that would magically alleviate any electrical problem. No, computers have to be fragile. So you sit there like an idiot, checking your wireless connection in vain or fidgeting with the Ethernet cord. One day I’d like a computer where the solution to funcationality issues is throwing it against the wall.
Anyway, SlamBall. That video shows one of the greatest facials I’ve ever seen. For those who don’t know the SlamBall rules, I’m far too lazy to extrapolate the minutiae for you. Even better, I’d love to see the mini basketball league we profiled actually come to fruition on the national stage. Although I’d modify the rules a tad. Whereas NBA scouts drool over athleticism, I’d institute an opposing mandate prohibiting verticals over 20 inches and heights over 6-foot. Also, anyone with a six-pack is disallowed – beer bellies are encouraged.
Ultimately international basketball with a few American names sounds less appealing than the San Antonio Spurs. If I can’t get the real thing, I don’t want some cheap knock off. Surprise me. Sweep me off my feet. Make me forget that the NBA lockout forces me to cry myself to sleep at night.
Kevin Zimmerman, Tucson:
As an avid Arizona Cardinals fan, I remember taking a lot of crap for the trade of Kevin Kolb for Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie. The thought was that Kolb crapped the bed in his few starts for the Eagles. But after Week 1, I’m pretty excited that Kolb isn’t as bad as Philadelphia fans thought. Anyway, do you remember a similar situation in the NBA, where a player was traded in what seemed to be a steal but it turned out not to be so bad for the team that had been played?
Don’t forget the second-round pick. Without that pick, maybe the dogs would’ve backed off. Probably not, but I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt. Anyway, one trade immediately comes to mind: The 2008 deadline deal in which the Mavs acquired Jason Kidd. The details were as follows:
Dallas received: Kidd, Malik Allen and Antoine Wright
New Jersey received: Devin Harris, DeSagana Diop, Trenton Hassell, Maurice Ager, Keith Van Horn (who was retired, or something, I don’t know. It’s confusing, and I’m not patient enough to figure it out.), 2008 first-round pick, 2010 first-round pick and $3 million in cash.
Many, including myself, laughed. Harris was an up and coming point guard. Kidd’s defensive mobility was more suited to the 40-year-old’s pickup game after work. You know, the one where horrendously atrocious (that has slowly become my go-to phrase for describing the furthest levels of awfulness) athletes wear basketball gear and dribble the ball in an attempt to imitate basketball.
A year later, Harris was an All-Star and Dallas was, well, Dallas. That is, still unable to break ground in the playoffs. Then the Nets inexplicably plummeted, despite their not-so-awful roster, Kidd became a defensive mastermind against LeBron and Kevin Durant and Dallas’ team chemistry shot through the roof. Looking back, I have no explanation. Mark Cuban took a huge gamble, stuck it out because he had no choice, and scored big time. Lucky guy.
If Kidd can do it, so can Kolb. Just kidding. Kolb sucks. He’s 27 with limited starting experience, no running game and no offensive line. Good thing Arizona locked up Larry Fitzgerald for the prime of his career while they simultaneously waste it by placing their future in the hands of Kolb. Okay, enough bashing.
Amanda, Wisconsin:
How soon do you foresee the NBA lockout ending?
Let me rephrase – in what year do you foresee the NBA lockout ending? The answer? 2057. Essentially we have children at play, bargaining over who gets to invite more friends into the sandbox. Of course I understand the owner’s impetus to screw the players – they have the power, the money and the leverage to assert their will. And the players, well nobody likes getting screwed. So they’ll hold their ground until the end of time. Rashard Lewis recently said that he won’t apologize for financially incapacitating the NBA and being the posterboy of the lockout. And really, why should he? He was offered an exorbitant deal and accepted it. Nothing surprising there. But the players have to be mature enough to realize that they’re screwing over the owners right now, and the owners have to realize that steamrolling the opponent with lowball offers isn’t the way to go. But when money and egos are at stake, men will be men. Meaning, no one will blink until the money stops rolling in.
Then again, I’ve always subscribed to the idea of pressure. Take a look at the NFL lockout. Ultimately the players caved when paychecks were actually threatened. When the water started boiling, both sides started to talk. The fact is that we’re not close enough to training camp yet. Neither side has an incentive to fold. Give it three weeks and I’d be surprised if there wasn’t significant progress. Nobody likes losing money, especially when there are billions at stake.
Sean Sweeney, Baltimore:
I saw in the Brandon Jennings “Under The Armour” episode that J.R. Smith dyed his hair red or something. Do you think this is a sign that he’s going full psycho on us (think Rodman) instead of just half psycho (think Birdman)? Shouldn’t he just say f— it and go all the way? I feel like he would instantly become more likable…
Completely agreed. J.R. Smith has already lost the NBA likability battle. Sure, his ridiculous shot selection and unwarranted swag allow for some mildly entertaining SportsCenter footage, but would you want him on your team? Absolutely not. No one wants a guy who’s going to put up No. 1 scorer shots with a lousy field goal percentage. It also doesn’t help that his neutral face is one of anger – check it out on Google Images if you don’t believe me. I’d chalk it up to the eyebrows, which are surprisingly imposing and frightening. Red hair and full psycho seems like the remedy here. Although if he really wants to go Rodman on us, he should retire, open up a pawn shop and adopt the nickname “The Love Doctor.” Then he’d be at Rodman psycho.
That’s all for this week. Check back next Wednesday for Volume V.
HOW TO SUBMIT: E-mail dimebag@dimemag.com with your question/story/idea and include your name and hometown. If you really insist on being a sketchy anonymous Internet weirdo, I guess I can’t stop you. So at least provide some sort of name and location.
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