Today’s look at collectibles will have a distinct Boston flavor. We’re going to go Bill Simmons on you and put the spotlight on a selection of Boston Celtics basketball cards. (Or caaaaahhds, right guys? Right?) Sorry. I’ll leave that joke alone.
Of course no Boston collection would be complete without a Rajon Rondo card, but I was not able to find a suitable one to feature. Perhaps I could have done better if Topps had sent me something cool. (Note to Topps: Please do not send me a Scott Wedman rookie card.)
Follow along as we check out some older cards of the Celtics. If you missed the previous edition, get caught up here. (Note to Topps: I changed my mind – please send me several Scott Wedman cards.)
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2004-05 Fleer Throwbacks Al Jefferson Jersey RC
(Steps out of time machine)
Hey there, Al. Well, where do I start, big fella. I have good news and bad news for you. First the good news: Boston will win the title in a couple of years. It’s going to be great. Unfortunately, you won’t be there – you’ll be in Minnesota. No, no, that wasn’t the bad news. The bad news is that Kevin Garnett won’t be there with you. He’ll be winning the championship in Boston. Eh, yeah. This is getting kind of awkward.
(Climbs back in time machine)
2004-05 Skybox Hoops Supreme Court Paul Pierce Jersey Card
Supreme Court….Okay, Skybox. I see what you did there. (*crickets*) Props for the action shot of Paul Pierce running a ballhandling drill through the colonnade of the Capitol Building. It’s kind of the hoops version of Rocky Balboa sprinting up all those steps in Philly. I guess the Secret Service just backed off when they saw what The Truth was up to.
Here’s the more important issue: If you had to replace the actual Supreme Court with NBA players, who would you pick? Which nine men would you select to guide the course of our nation and counterbalance the executive and legislative branches?
Excluding foreign players (sorry, Nash), I would select Grant Hill, Shane Battier, Chris Bosh, Jason Kidd, J.J. Redick, Brandon Roy, Ray Allen, David Lee, and Tim Duncan as my Chief Justice. Is there any way that these nine guys wouldn’t get stuff done? Let me hear your thoughts in the comments – this could turn into its own column.
2004-05 Fleer Genuine At Large Ray Allen Jersey Card
Moving right along, here we have Ray Allen, apparently passing through some sort of energy portal, about to shoot a layup. Why does Mike Miller (stuck in the energy portal) look like he’s 100 years old in that shot?
One thing Ray excels at is chewing gum. Every time the camera shows him at a dead ball he’s just standing there with his hands on his hips, tearing up that gum like nobody’s business. I don’t think it’s a stretch to call him one of the five best chewers the league has ever seen. Also: three-pointers.
2004-05 Skybox Hoops Great Shots Kevin Garnett Jersey Card
Due primarily to the expense of diapers over the past few years, this is the newest jersey card of Garnett that I own. I have to keep this one in a plastic sleeve, because it tends to shout a lot and sometimes tries to pick fights with my J.J. Barea cards.
I can’t figure out what the background design is supposed to be. It looks kind of like a thumbprint superimposed over a plate of pasta, or maybe an explosion of sound waves propelling Garnett toward the hoop. Either way, I suspect KG approves.
2004-05 Fleer Throwbacks Hardwood Classics Larry Bird Jersey Card
And here it is, the Holy Grail. Maybe this is a good time to float a movie pitch:
2015. Munich. At a gathering of the world’s top experts on cloning, masked men in striped shirts rappel into the conference room and kidnap several scientists. At the same time, a rare Larry Bird basketball card with a jersey swatch is stolen back in America.
Bill Simon, a sportswriter with a dark past, stumbles upon a link between the two crimes. The NBA, in an effort to lower costs, is attempting to create new players who they can pay pennies on the dollar! By extracting DNA from sweat residue in Bird’s jersey they are forcing the scientists to clone the Hick from French Lick!
Bill teams up with the one man who knows how to infiltrate the NBA’s secret Alps compound: disgraced referee Tim Donaghy. Together they will journey to Switzerland in a race against time. Can they make it past the security team, led by Joey Crawford? Can they rescue the scientists and stop the plot before it’s too late? Can Bill Simon finally forgive himself for the sins of his past?
Also, Bill is a widower and is fighting to regain custody of his young daughter. Also, there is a dog.
End Game, starring Channing Tatum as Simon, with Lil Wayne as Donaghy. Directed by Michael Bay.
Hollywood, call me.
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