Comedian and comedy theater founder Chris Trew is a New Orleans Pelicans superfan who has a single season ticket directly behind the visitors’ bench inside New Orleans’ Smoothie King Center, where he interacts with the opposing team’s players and coaches. He will be documenting his experiences here for us in a regular column called, Behind the Bench. You can follow his in-game interactions live on Twitter at @Trew2theGame. The Pelicans’ opponent in this column: the Philadelphia 76ers, who visited New Orleans last month.
The Philadelphia 76ers zombied out of the locker room with minimal pep in their step. The Pelicans are not much better, sure, but playing at home is enough to zip out of the locker room with some measure of joy, however forced. Philadelphia’s young squad sleepwalked through layup drills while the veterans chucked jump shots with dead eyes. It was actually kind of scary.
— Carl Landry had a brief and forgettable stint in New Orleans from 2010-2012. This qualifies him for the always entertaining “Do you miss New Orleans” question. The most confusing answer I’ve gotten so far was from Austin Rivers. Carl Landry’s is a close second. The man’s got a good smile that he wasn’t afraid to use as he said “Yes, I do.” I said “really?”, hoping to get more information on the subject and he said “Yes.” We held eye contact for longer than I really wanted to. Carl Landry disarmed me with his charm and inability to expound on his answer.
— Alvin Gentry moseyed over to the visitor’s bench for the obligatory “Hello, how are you” handshake and hug with a former colleague. Tonight’s blast from the past was point guard Ish Smith, best known as the only bright spot in the disappointing New Orleans Pelicans season and the worst thing to ever happen to Tankadelphia. As Gentry embraced his former player, the tension from my section rose. Ish Smith would go on to be cheered all night in a confused passive aggressive tone. We seemed happy he was thriving but bothered by the terms. He frequently acknowledged us, and seemed genuinely stoked to be playing basketball for the 76ers.
Ish Smith enjoyed his time in New Orleans when he wasn't going against this guy.
— Shoutout to the Pelicans director of sound effects who accidentally hit the “air ball” button on a blocked Sixers shot. Mistakes happen, sure, but the Philadelphia bench couldn’t handle it. One of them got up and screamed towards the scorers table. This was the most passion I saw from these guys all game.
— It’s usually a big no-no to touch any of the team’s gear. Hands off the towels and don’t even think about touching that big Gatorade jug. But tonight the usual usher in my section was out, so someone got called up from the usher D-League (what a big opportunity). I could tell right away he didn’t understand his role or really know the power of the floor seat usher. A floor-seat usher has the ability to make anyone stop what they’re doing because if we don’t listen to them, bye-bye.
I’ve never seen so many tissue boxes fall on the ground before (apparently, even Philadelphia’s gear is tanking), and since yours truly was in a position to be a helpful human being, I bravely grabbed the box and handed it to the coach in need. He said thank you and I instantly felt like a contributor to the 2015-2016 Philadelphia 76ers, though my headshot is still not on their roster page.
— Elton Brand was playing the role of “older guy in suit giving advice to young people in jerseys” but the problem was nobody was listening. Is it because Elton Brand isn’t cool? Is it because his voice is so soft? Is it because someone told his teammates about this Sprite can on Ebay and they no longer respect the veteran? Pretty sure I saw Elton Brand playing a Tetris knock-off game on his cellphone by halftime. He’s OG.
— My question of the night was “what’s your favorite emoji?” Never got a straight answer from anyone but everyone seemed to think it was a cool question.
— Kendall Marshall approached me before tip-off to ask about my beard. When I told him my secret (coconut oil, cutting split ends, and frequent combing) he looked frightened. This makes me feel like there is a legitimate chance that Kendall Marshall is afraid of coconut oil. “I’m trying to get like you” he said while rubbing on his chin. He seemed like a nice guy but when I offered to let him touch my beard, he seemed like he wasn’t into me anymore.
