Basketball used to be simple. Back when James Naismith invented the sport in 1891, the game looked very different. Players didn’t dribble. There were no three-pointers. Here’s the craziest part of all: there weren’t even positions. Teams had this weird idea that they could just play their five best players.
Nowadays everyone has a position. Expectant fathers stare at ultrasound pictures trying to figure out if their child will be a post player like daddy. Even the chubby 40-year-old guy at the park freaks out when you tell him to give up the ball because he can’t dribble.
(“Man, I’m a point guard!”)
But what if you don’t know your position? What if you’re completely new to the game?
As part of Dime’s continuing commitment to youth basketball, we present the following guide for our youngest readers. It is a reference tool designed to help the beginning hoopster find his or her place on the court. After all, it should never be left to the coaches to tell you what position to play: we saw Blue Chips, and those dudes are totally crooked.
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Point Guard
The point guard is the player who dribbles the ball up the court. This is usually done while holding two fingers in the air, which doesn’t mean anything at all. To be a good point guard you have to develop several important skills: dribbling, screaming at your teammates and doing that thing where you slap the floor on defense.
The point guard position was invented a long time ago so that short people could play basketball. Casual fans LOVE point guards, especially small white ones. They call these players “floor generals.” If you have ever been called a floor general, what this really means is you’re annoying.
Point guards call the plays on offense. They are usually the captains of their teams. And point guards generally grow up to become coaches, because, let’s face it, short people try to control everything.
Shooting Guard
Mothers and fathers, if you have an only child, he or she will grow up believing they are a shooting guard. They are strange creatures, aloof and odd. A shooting guard will wear rubber bands on his wrist, a sweatband on his head, a padded shooting sleeve that covers his entire arm, a brace on his knee, and will think nothing of holding up the team’s practice to tape a pinky finger on his shooting hand that has never been injured.
Deep down inside, every shooting guard believes that he or she has been chosen. They have grown up watching Michael Jordan and Kobe Bryant, and in their minds they believe that the best player on any team is always the shooting guard. During games they will spend long stretches on offense standing in the corner, brooding and waiting for teammates to come and set screens. Some shooting guards believe that it is against the rules for them to venture inside the three-point arc for any reason.
The one exception to this is the end-of-game scenario, where the shooting guard sprints out to midcourt and demands the ball as the clock winds down. He then waves all of his teammates away and begin to dribble back and forth while everyone stands and watches. When the clock reaches six seconds, he will jack knife towards the hoop and chuck up an off-balance jumper, often with two or three defenders draped all over him. This almost never works.
Small Forward
If you are a 6-1 boy in high school, you are probably going to wind up being a small forward. There is no shame in this: being a small forward isn’t a bad thing. In fact, few people really know what it means at all. The position is a mystery, an enigma that defies easy explanation.
Basically, small forwards are players who are not good at any one thing. To compensate for this, they loudly describe themselves as “versatile.” They are kind of like middle children; not quick enough to be guards but not big enough to play in the post. They wander the court like nomads, without a skill or a plan to get buckets. Occasionally they will appear out of nowhere and make an acrobatic tip-in, and everyone will marvel about how versatile they are.
If you want to make it to the NBA, your best bet is to just start telling everyone that you’re a small forward. In recent years, the Golden State Warriors have occasionally had as many as 39 small forwards on their roster at one time.
Power Forward
Power forwards are centers who are in denial. Power forwards view the paint as a sort of quicksand, an abyss where their vast array of skills will be wasted. As such, they avoid it whenever possible. A typical offensive possession will see them hovering around the free throw line, calling for the ball with utmost confidence. If given the ball, a power forward likes to turn and face the basket and jab step multiple times in rapid succession before shooting a contested fadeaway.
Power forwards believe, with conviction, that if it the situation arose they could play clutch minutes as a ball handler. Power forwards commonly fantasize about being moved to point guard in an overtime game after all their team’s guards foul out. If you don’t believe this, find a power forward and ask him if he could play point.
Center
If you stand head and shoulders above everyone else your age, you’re probably going to be manning the low block. A center has two jobs: First, he must guard the player on the opposing team who looks like he just escaped from a supermax prison; second, and most importantly, he must throw himself between the basket and the procession of guards and forwards who will come racing, unimpeded, down the lane looking to score. If you are a center, you will get dunked on. You will get kneed in the chest. And the only thanks you receive will be when your teammate – whose blown assignment just ran you over – helps you off the floor and mutters, “My bad, big fella.”
Every center who has ever played the game believes that he has untapped potential as a three-point shooter. Centers love to spend valuable practice time perched on the three-point line, flinging line-drive bricks at the rim. On the rare event that one of their salvos rattles in, they will calmly leave their bent wrist dangling in the air for several minutes, so everybody can see what’s up.
If you decide you want to be a center (and who wouldn’t!) you will need thick skin. Normal-sized people tend to view centers as colossal failures, no matter their level of skill. People will stare up at you disdainfully, as if you long ago stole several inches away from their allotment. Your hobbit-like friends will be of the opinion that whenever you touch the ball you should immediately dunk it.
“If I had your size, I’d dunk it every time!” they’ll say.
Short teammates will join in: “If I were as tall as you I’d be in the NBA!”
Neither of these things will ever be true. If your friends and teammates had your height, they would play exactly the way you do, only much worse.
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If, after reading about each position, you are still unsure which one is for you, further research might be necessary. We recommend beginning with a viewing of Blue Chips.
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