When I started this whole “hate mail” section of Comments of the Week, I was just expecting to highlight the snooty emails, the dismissive comments people leave me on occasion — since I’m so often dismissive and snotty about other things I figure it’s only fair, and it’s a little window into my world (yes, a little self-indulgent, I suppose). What I never expected was real hate mail, from an actress in a blockbuster movie! Incredible! But we’ll get to me later, in the hate mail section on page 2. First, you guys, and your charming witticisms; your vulgar, drive-by e-gropings.
This comment, on the new trailer for Harry Potter and the Deathlier Hallows, has my vote for best of the week, based on visual alone:
Stallonewolf says: Sex with Emma Watson? Why I’d be lucky if I didn’t blow my load before I got the sorting hat on.
This was the first picture that came up under “Harry Potter sorting hat.” Blowing a load is exactly what it looks like he’s doing.
COMMENTS OF THE WEEK HONORABLE MENTION:
Phone Sex Grandma wants you to “lick her dirty assh*le.” DavidNowacki here knows how to respond to that kind of dirty talk:
davidnowacki: Yeah, spit on that toilet paper b*tch, wipe that dirty assh*le.
Next up, from the trailer for Tarsem Singh’s The Immortals:
StinkyPeet say: Tarsem Singh’s films remind me of Marlee Matlin: easy on the eyes but utterly incomprehensible.
I still say The Fall is great, but that doesn’t make ridiculing deaf people less funny. Then we had a “Gary Busey Facts” post (based on him being cast in Piranha 3DD). Those are always fun.
Crapbasket: “Gary Busey thinks calling something the cat’s pajamas is the frog’s eyebrows.”
Påüłÿ Ðąηgęrσűşľγ says: Gary Busey’s signature is on Obama’s birth certificate.
Jessolido says: Garey Busey chews soda can tabs like they were Chicklets
Burnsy says: Gary Busey collects retainers from the children of lawyers.
Crapbasket says: Gary Busey knocked down London Bridge for being too cockney.
Dingus says: Upon learning of the release of Obama’s birth certificate, The Donald’s followers broke out into a spontaneous chorus of “We shall overcomb”.
From RIP Alice Ward:
pants says: Looks like she’s put life in her reahview. Go sawx!
Call us disrespectful if you want, but a little death isn’t going to keep us from owah Bawston jokes.
Finally, and this is a nice segue into the Hate Mail portion of this post, from Thor looks badass/Jaimie Alexander loves Star Wars:
DEVO says: Bitch, don’t talk to me about nerds. The closest I got to getting laid in high school is when I got beat up by a girl and my hand sorta grazed her cleavage.
Indeed. Which brings us to today’s very special edition of Hate Mail.
Oh right, you probably want to know the backstory to that banner image. So, Jaimie Alexander, who plays Sif in Thor, was on Jimmy Kimmel last week. I thought it was interesting/funny that she did the old “I’m such a nerd, I even like Star Wars!” thing. Not so much because I doubt she actually likes Star Wars, but because everyone says that as a badge of honor, and still acts like it’s nerdy to like Star Wars. I wrote:
Wait, Star Wars? Did you just ADMIT you like Star Wars? Oh wow. Everyone knows only the geekiest of geeks could possibly love an obscure piece of sci-fi esoterica like STAR WARS. Was that an indie comic? Did it make any money? Was it released in the states? Is that on laser disc? I’ve barely even heard of it. Christ almighty, Dorkington, you’re probably planning your next LARP sesh on your calculator watch right now, aren’t you! HEY, TOMMY! D’JOU HEAR THIS CHICK SAY SHE LIKES STAR WARS?? HOLY JEEZ, WHAT A SQUARE! LET’S STUFF HER IN A BAG AND THROW HER OFF A CLIFF.
For the record, I was more making fun of the cliché (more on that later today), than I was of Jaimie Alexander specifically. Nonetheless, she seems to have taken offense, inviting me to kiss her ass, and to crawl out of my mom’s basement for a spirited round of sword sodomy. Sounds delightful! I’ll get the lube! Can we wrestle first?
Now, a couple things: first off, I truly don’t get off on the idea of famous people reading mean things I’ve said about them. In fact, in order to get to a place of proper honesty, I sort of have to put the idea that they ever would out of my mind (as well as the idea that my mom might read this site) . It’s not helpful. We’re trying to crack wise with our friends here, not publicly insult people. But in this case, I have to wonder if Jaimie missed the intended sarcasm. It seems like she might have read that quote as me actually wanting to throw her off a cliff, rather than the way I meant it, as a joke about the absurdity of anyone actually being considered nerdy for liking Star Wars anymore. If she did understand that, it seems like a bit of an overreaction. Moreover, implying I live in my mom’s basement probably isn’t the best comeback to a joke about doing something cliché. Also, she’s the one dropping casual references to owning a sword, and yet I’M the one living in my mom’s basement? Whatever, dude. I’ll have you know that I typed that in my cave-like apartment on my jack-off couch. I wish my mom even had a basement.
So anyway, that small exchange (since deleted from Jaimie Alexander’s Twitter feed) lead to a bunch of noble gents who probably also didn’t get the joke, rushing to defend Jaimie’s honor, which I had of course besmirched. So if I end up dead with a Renaissance faire dagger in my side, you’ll know why. Here’s a nice cross section of the response:
[Redacted]: You go Jaime…U tell them :-) people that usally say things like that are just A holes mad u made something of your self
[Redacted]: No worries. Sometimes little guys (not real men) need to be put in their place.
[Redacted]: Need any help with that? I’ve got a friend who’s got no problem with going back to prison, if you know what I mean.
[Redacted]: people can be so hurtful,and so mean..i read it and was appalled what i read,don’t worry about what people say
[Redacted]: hey @jaimiealexander that douche lives in my Area want me to Shank him?
[Redacted]: @JaimieAlexander sorry that I am not familiar with you, but I will now follow you based on your epic comeback to that loser critc. #kickass
[Redacted]: @JaimieAlexander uuhh what was the point of that article? He did not get to a point whatsoever. Do Lady Sif on his candy ass
[Redacted]: @JaimieAlexander don’t waste your time with those filmdrunk idiots, none of them have ever even kissed a girl anyway LOL
[Redacted]: @JaimieAlexander wouldnt get worked up bout it. Angry faceless blog nerds who’ll never get close to playing sum1 even half as cool as Sif.
But… could I still play someone one-fourth as cool? Maybe an anthropomorphic dog in a Gary Busey biopic? I know it’s not as cool as Sif, but it would still be a dream for someone like me. Other than the multiple death threats, I think my favorite was this guy, who, incidentally, is holding an assault rifle in his profile picture:
[Redacted]: It’s movie websites like @filmdrunk that kill film journalism for me. Really unprofessional, and overall douchey. Not “controversial”.
Yay, so I’ve got a horde of gun nuts who think violence against me would be a great way to impress a famous actress! Now I know how Reagan felt. Good times, good times. So enough of that. The regular drunkards proved that they’re much better at hate mail anyway:
From Paul Rudd is a lovable stoner:
Chewy Van Der Chode says: Vance mounts his high-horse more than Caligula.
From the Top 10 Movies People Lie About Having Seen:
The White Beaner says:
“Ooh, you sat on your fat ass eating butter-dunked popcorn for two hours…”
You do realize that your entire job here is based around that very concept?
Mancini, it amazes me anytime you mock hipsters. You are a jewfro’d movie blogger who rides his bike around San Fransisco so he can write his posts publicly on a laptop in Chinese restaurants. Not to mention that seventy-five percent of the material you cover is mentioned solely so you can talk about how much, you know, like, whatever; you’re soooo, like, above that mainstream stuff.
You may lack scarves in your wardrobe and your face contains no soul patch, but you, sir, are a f*cking hipster.
…Still a big fan though. Drunk on.
What can I say, TWB, we hate what we know. And of course I realize my job here is based around that concept. But who are you to tell me that I lack scarves? That, sir, is going too far. …Still the best hate comment of the year though, nicely done.