Megan Fox Has Some Theories About The Egyptian Pyramids And Their True Purpose

As the philosopher Jaden Smith once noted, “If Everyone In The World Dropped Out Of School We Would Have A Much More Intelligent Society.” Likewise, I sometimes wonder whether we would all have a much deeper understanding of the Earth’s mysteries if we could be more like actors. Actors like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows star Megan Fox, who, as a recent profile in the L.A. Times proves, is a font of spiritual energy and ancient wisdom.

When Megan Fox was 2, she told her mom she was going to be an actress. Not that she wanted to be an actress, but that she was going to be one.

“Sometimes I just know things,” she explains. “I accidentally tap into stuff sometimes. I used to do it as a kid, and I do it as an adult. I crossed over and saw a future string.”

String, as in string theory.

Uh… I don’t think that’s how string theory works? Actually, truth be told, I don’t understand string theory well enough to know if that would count as string theory. I still feel pretty comfortable saying that it doesn’t. I am part of the problem.

On her Instagram profile, she describes herself thusly: “Child of the Cherokee Tribe … forest nymph … Lunar Leo mother goddess to 2 bohemian revolutionaries-my kamikaze free spirit & my peaceful warrior.”

That sounds like what would happen if you put all the world’s lifestyle brand ad copy in a blender and made a nice particle board headpiece out of it. It’s actually impressive in its utter meaninglessness. “This is my kamikaze free spirit. He is literally willing to sacrifice his life not to go to school. And this is his brother, who fights injustice by spinning around in a chair until he gets dizzy. I’m so proud of them.”

Fox isn’t sure she wants to follow her string theory vision anymore. “I don’t think acting is my ultimate passion,” she says about a week before the “Ninja Turtles” opening. “I have other skill sets and gifts that are much, much stronger that I am obligated to exercise and use. I’m really more intellectually minded.”

Oh, do tell.

“I’ve always been into alternative history, antiquities, archaeology. I’ve always been really consumed by these deep mysteries that exist on our planet that can’t be explained today by science. They eat away at me.”

We’re so much alike. So often I ended up having to take a “me” day, so consumed I am with the planet’s deep mysteries. I mean duck penises, what’s up with that.

It all started, she continues, on the set of 2009’s “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen,” which was partly filmed in Egypt. She and costar Shia LaBeouf were given a tour of of the Great Pyramid of Giza by the Ministry of Antiquities and someone “high-ranking in that field — I will not say who” told the actors that the pyramid was never actually a tomb.

For our purposes, I’m counting pyramids as crystals. Crystals, man, it always goes to crystals. ACTOR, pulling out crystal: “See? How do you explain that?!” SCIENTIST: (*begins preparing power point presentation*) ACTOR: (*has already wandered off*)

“They presume they may have been some type of energy plant at some point,” says Fox. “The sarcophagus that is in the Great Pyramid was put there by the government for tourism. And that sparked in me an interest in really exposing this sort of thing.”

Like, what if we found out the entire “healing crystal” industry all went back to one rogue Egyptian official? “And over here we have King Tut’s death mask, which isn’t a mask at all, but an ancient factory for producing the fluoride we use to track you!”

“Goddammit, Omar, how did you sneak in here again?”

Fox says she often feels misunderstood, largely because of her drop-dead gorgeous looks.


If she is sent 10 scripts, five of them will include offers for roles as a prostitute or an escort. When the paparazzi catch her toting a book on Nephilism, they make fun of her.

That’s so unfair. I mean how dare they make fun of an actress for studying… (*fires up Google*) I see that it’s a word for type of giant from the Hebrew Bible, and that “Nephilic magick is a wide system which covers includes Enochian, Goetia, Kaos and Caballah and is primarily practised by Nephilists.” Nope, nothing worthy of ridicule there. Damn you, anti-Nephilist media!

“You know how women that are always cast in James Bond movies are pinups but their job in the movies is always being a marine biologist or neuroscientist?” she asks. “I think people react to me that way. Like, ‘Right, she’s studying neurobiology.’ But I am really interested in that.”

“Like, just the other day I was considering studying neurobiology. And just thinking about it was the most intellectual and rewarding thing I’ve ever done.”

“I think people, in general, are plebeians that are brainwashed by the type of media that they expose themselves to. … People anticipate a shallowness [from me]. They anticipate a self-centeredness and a lack of self-awareness.” [L.A. Times]

Damned plebeians. It’s like “brain” is the only kind of washing they ever do.

Anyway, say what you will about L. Ron Hubbard, one thing the man understood was where to do the most effective recruiting.