FilmDrunk

This Week In Posters: Dunkirk, Atomic Blonde, Coco, Black Panther, And More

This Week in Posters begins this week with Always Chasing Love, which is apparently “inspired by true stories.” Is this the world’s most meaningless assertion? And it seems to star… Adam Sandler in his Little Nicky wig? So there’s Adam Sandler, a murder, a wedding, and presumably someone falls in love. I dunno, man.  I guess this is a movie for people who like being puzzled by disparate things.

Here’s one of a few new Atomic Blonde posters where Charlize Theron poses with her gun like it’s a cigarette holder. V elegant. I’m not entirely sure what this is about but the fact that she’s blonde seems very important.

Nice outfit. I can’t tell if Charlize wants to flash me or kill me here. What’s up with assassins always wearing large overcoats? Don’t they get hot? And why do the female ones always have footwear up past the knees? Seems inconvenient is all.

“Bigger, bolder, and as badass as Bourne!” is kind of a weird tagline. It sort of ends on a grounded note. Did they not want to call her “badasserer” than Bourne? Or more badass than Bourne? Is Bourne the all-time benchmark for badassness? Were they like “Bigger, bolder, and more badass than Bourne… wait, no, we can’t say that, no one will ever believe it! Okay, as badass as Bourne. That we can maybe get away with.”

Anyway, if this is anything like Bourne I look forward to being bored stiff by it for the next decade.

First “get triggered” and now the direct reference to the gun-as-phallic symbol? Tré risque! And the white guy is all insecure about how much bigger the black guy’s “gun” is. I said it as a joke last time, but maybe this really is a mainstream cuck movie.

Also, why is it always Ryan Reynolds movies trying to be controversial? He seems like such a sweet Canadian. Is that part of the draw, such a sweet Canadian boy doing naughty things? Is he like the male actor Avril Lavigne?

Two things superheroes love, I’ve noticed, is giant chairs and bodices with the abs carved in. Also that background seems unnecessarily busy. What’s even happening back there?

Did they remake Blind? That was a cool Norwegian movie that never got a release.

A novelist blinded in a car crash which killed his wife rediscovers his passion for both life and writing when he embarks on an affair with the neglected wife of an indicted businessman. [IMDb]

Nope, different Blind. Dan. Anyway, I’m glad the poster lines up the faces and the names. Is Alec Baldwin wearing an ascot here? A cravat? Perhaps just a silk scarf? That’s how you know he’s very sophisticated. Elaborate neckwear is code for sophisticated. You know how Fifty Shades of Grey just has a tie on the poster? Look down at your neck right now — if it’s exposed you probably don’t even read.

Ha, there it is. It’s been weeks of Cars 3 releasing these high-contrast, dramatic-looking posters, but finally we’re getting back to the franchise’s roots as a movie about talking cars making the CalArts face. Nice to have you back, Cars.

Is this the new guy for this movie? This car seems fancier. And with more sparks.

I really love this poster for Coco. Not only does it seem to be about a dumb dog with a goofy face, which is kind of my sweet spot, they squeezed a hell of a lot of exposition into this one image. I’ve read nothing about this movie but I’m pretty sure it’s about a dog that sees dead people. And it looks cool to boot.

For a while now I’ve been saying that “debris flying everywhere” is code for “lots of action,” and this Dunkirk poster may help explain why that’s a thing. Usually the debris is just flying around, coming from everywhere or nowhere or who cares? There’s lots of action! In this Dunkirk poster, it makes sense that there’s dirt and stuff flying around everywhere, because of the bombs and chaff and dirt and whatnot. It’s very Saving Private Ryan. So is the movie poster code of debris flying everywhere kind of just a leftover cultural memory of Saving Private Ryan?

Jeez, that was some string of lateral connections, I feel like Jeff Goldblum in Independence Day over here.

From the director of Cranium Intel, comes… the hood of a Rolls Royce… and a title, “Fireangels: A Drifter’s Fury.”

Looking at this poster feels like I’ve just gotten here from another planet because I don’t know what any of that means or how it’s connected. “The director of Cranium Intel? Oh sure, everyone knows him.”

Aw, Hayden Christensen and the Photoshopped head of Bruce Willis are Siamese squint twins. Remember what I said about “sh*t flying everywhere?” I’m pretty sure rain counts.

Everything about this feels so restrained and old-timey. Even the words at the bottom. In theaters? Oh, no, no, it’s in cinemas. And it opens this autumn, which is my favorite time of year behind St. Smithin’s Day. Now, who wants marmalade sandwiches?

I’ll give them this, it’s impossible for me to hear those words in anything but Will Ferrell’s voice.

On the other hand, I can’t imagine Amy Poehler ever saying “I feel like a badass bitch.” Also, a badass bitch with a kitchen torch? What’s she gonna do, make us a nice creme bruleé?

“If you can’t beat the house, be the house?” So… they start a casino in their house or something? I guess that’s the plot, but the marketing is really leaning hard on the “Will Ferrell and Amy Poehler are in a thing” angle without elaborating much. I mean if you’re not swayed by the idea of Ferrell and Poehler wearing costumes alone, I don’t know what these posters are going to do for you.

First he’s in sweatpants, now he’s in another suit, and now he has an axe? I thought he was supposed to be like a pit boss or something. Is he breaking into something now? And if so, why is he dressed so fancy? Are monochromatic shirt/tie combos still a thing? I thought that went out after Bill Murray in Rushmore. I have so many questions about this movie that I’ll probably wander out of the room before hearing the answers of.

Another one with Betty Blowtorch over here. Did they remove the cigarette from this one? Otherwise, what the hell is she supposed to be doing, trying to smoothly blow out a butane torch? Come on, man, put five seconds of thought into these.

“I’ve chosen the motif of broken mirrors to show my protagonist’s fragmented self. Bob says an Image System greatly increases the complexity of an aesthetic emotion.” –Donald Kaufman in Adaptation.

Ah yes, menashe, the Jewish menarche, when a boy finally becomes a man. Jk, jk. Really though, is this just the Jewish Goodbye Christopher Robin? It’s almost the same poster.

As bad as the movie was, this Mummy poster is pretty cool, which just goes to show, hand drawing makes everything better. This depicts Tom Cruise to scale.

Ah yes, and it wouldn’t be This Week In Posters without pointless diagonals. Overdrive still looks like those Dodge commercials from a while back with the playboy Dodge brothers (what was the point of those, anyway? Did they think we really wanted to buy cars from old-timey douchebags?). I hope it’s that. “Rich douchebag in a 30-second commercial” is the role Scott Eastwood was born to play.

Who wants to bet this was filmed before Tom Holland became Spider-Man?

Oh, now you tell us that Rough Night comes from the writers of Broad City. This would’ve been important information. All this time it just looked like some random bachelorette party movie cooked up by a studio.

Again, what is all the debris behind them? We don’t even question it anymore, we just assume it means they’re partying.

Ah, the old contradictory tagline. Haven’t seen one of those before. It’s very “Ceci n’est pas une pipe.” Also “safe place” is very close to “safe space.” After last week’s “get triggered” tagline I’m worried all my posters are going to start calling me a snowflake and cucking me.

Top hats! Bonnets! Sideburns! Golf! Jeez, it’s like this movie was made just for me. And “Ophelia Lovibond” sounds exactly like the name of a person who wears a hat with a big flower on it. Honestly, I just want them to tell me how those guys swung a golf club in three-piece suits. True story, I was on a press tour through the Golf Hall of Fame earlier this year, and literally all I wanted to get out of it was an answer to that question. I asked the guide and he did one of those “Gee, I never really thought about it before” faces. COME ON, MAN! It’s the obvious question!

I like how they put the truck flames on the Transformer’s forearm like a sleeve tat.

Two worlds! In one world, Bumblebee with a gun. A space ship. Robot Marky Mark. In the other, Optimus Prime. A robot butler with a cane.

I honestly don’t know what’s going to happen when these worlds collide.

This War for the Planet of the Apes poster feels so familiar and it’s driving me crazy that I can’t place the reference. LBJ campaign ad? I don’t know, it will come to me. Anyway, this is a departure from their “monkeys holding guns” campaign up until now and I think I kind of like the subtle version.

You know what’s great about these Seven Sisters posters? Noomi Rapace playing every sister. Oh yeah.

Mardi is the Earthy, sensitive sister (who still has a big gun).

Jeudi is tough and butch and has two guns.

No gun for poor Vendredi. I bet she’s like some really awesome computer hacker though. I never thought I’d see Noomi Rapace doing a Tracey Ullman thing, but I’m into it.

Hmm, which sister can jump really far? Tommy Wirkola is the Dead Snow guy, by the way.

I enjoy the negative space in this Wind River poster. Also, Taylor Sheridan and Jeremy Renner? Sign me  the hell up.

Look at those eyelines. It’s almost as if this family isn’t really connecting, you know? I love to remember the ’90s.

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