WEEKEND MOVIE GUIDE: Yes, Harry Potter is out this weekend. If you care at all, you already knew. Also on tap: Winnie the Pooh, a Bellflower screening in New York, and Monday’s HBO Documentary Series feature, Mann vs. Ford.
HARRY POTTER & THE DEATHLY HALLOWS PART 2: The final chapter! All your friends are back — creepo, Cap’n Forehead, the ginger kid, the super-pretty one, and probably some other people — for a high-octane thrill ride of magic wands and yelling.
ROTTENTOMATOES: 98%
Gratuitous Review Quotes (out of the 202 reviews, guess who was one of the five negative. Go ahead, just guess…):
“The best possible end for the series that began a decade ago.” -Joe Morganstern, Wall Street Journal
“It’s a pleasant irony that, just as the first installments of Rowling’s oeuvre were better suited to page than screen, the final installments have reversed the relationship.” -Christopher Orr, The Atlantic (of course…)
“This is the way The Harry Potter saga was meant to end.” -Laremy Legel, Film.com
“Now that the Harry Potter series is over, maybe the truth can be realized: This has been the dullest franchise in the history of movie franchises.” –Armond White
“TRUTHBOMB’D, MOTHAF*CKAS! But before I go, I just want you to know that this fur hat is made out of Hoberman’s sister’s pubic hairs.” (*drops mic, dumps pimp chalice on Ebert, exits building to chants of ‘Hate hate hate hate hate hate…’*)
NEXT PAGE: Winnie the Pooh
WINNIE THE POOH: 2D animation? What’s that?
RottenTomatoes: 90%
Gratuitous Review Quotes (not even Armond White dared bash this one):
“Although this is an adaptation of the A.A. Milne tales first published in 1926, it unleashes an essential quality of dreaming—and of cinema. Toy Story 3 particularly lacked this essence; the Toy Story franchise attempts to normalize manic consumerism by conflating capitalist habit with childhood innocence—a deception confirmed by Pixar’s hideous, unvarying commercial formula. But this Winnie the Pooh purifies corrupted narrative; it is distilled to a playful essence.” -A Dubz
“Winnie the Pooh” may not be a movie that grown-ups seek out on their own, but it may make some of them jealous of the 4-year-olds who are making the noble bear’s acquaintance for the first time. -AO Scott, New York Times
“One: why does Pooh sound like an old man? Two: why does teenager Christopher Robin sound like a six-year-old? Three: what’s with the rubbish songs?” -Anthony Quinn, The Independent
FUN FACT: Out of the nine negative reviews listed, six of them are from British critics.
ARMCHAIR ANALYSIS: I didn’t think I remembered Winnie the Pooh at all, but as soon as the characters open their mouths, my only thought is “THAT DOES NOT SOUND LIKE I REMEMBERED!” That said, it hardly matters, because I’m probably not going to spend 12 bucks to see this. Unless I’ve got a hot date. Ugh, chicks, man, am I right?
NEXT PAGE: Bellflower, Mann vs. Ford
BELLFLOWER. This one’s playing tonight in New York as part of Rooftop Films’ Outdoor film series. Tits, fire, and flamethrowers. It wasn’t my favorite, but it’s definitely an experience. In a good way.
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Mann vs. Ford
The Ramapough Mountain Indians have lived in the hills and forests of northern New Jersey, less than 40 miles from midtown Manhattan, for hundreds of years. In the 1960s, their neighbor in nearby Mahwah, the Ford Motor Company, bought their land and began dumping toxic waste in the woods and abandoned iron mines surrounding their homes.
Debuting on Monday, July 18th at 9pm ET/PT only on HBO, MANN v. FORD tells the story of a small communityʼs epic battle against two American giants: the Ford Motor Company and the Environmental Protection Agency, which failed to ensure that Ford cleaned the land of deadly toxins and erroneously declared the community safe and clean of toxic waste.
With that title, all I can think of is Man Vs. Food. God, what an awful, disgusting show. If I wanted to watch a fat guy gorge, sweat, and complain, I’d go to Comic-Con next week. Aw, crap.