It’s Tuesday and you know what that means! Besides the latest impossible mission, there’s Michael F. Assbender and his monster wang, Val Kilmer, Tom Selleck, possibly inebriated celestial beings, a real-life spy, a dance crew, and everyone’s favorite naked purple giant, The Amazing Bulk.
The DVDs:
Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol
Shame
The Man On The Train
7 Below
High Road To China
The Last Rites Of Joe May
The Divide
A Heavenly Vintage
The Man Nobody Knew: In Search Of My Father, CIA Spymaster William Colby
Jerusalem Countdown
Robotropolis
Crew 2 Crew
Episode 50
Aggressive Behavior
Hell’s Labyrinth
The Amazing Bulk
If you’re even just a little curious to learn more, keep reading on the next page. If you want to jump right to the suggestions for Netflix streaming, click here.
Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol
Look, you know what it is and if you want to see it (assuming you haven’t already). Vince identified the film for what it is (a well-shot action flick with no pretensions that it is anything else) and gave it a solid ‘B’ in his review. What I’ve been hung up on since November is Cruise’s assertion that he doesn’t make sequels. I don’t know of anybody willing to call him on this bullsh*t. He claims that M:I 2 and M:I 3 weren’t sequels because he never thought of them as sequels. You know what, Tom? It doesn’t matter what you thought, they were sequels. Hence the ‘2’ and ‘3’ in the titles. Even prior to that you were in a sequel; it was called The Color Of Money and it was the sequel to The Hustler. You’ve never been above sequels, you just think you have been because you’ve had your ass kissed for so long that you think you can redefine things and change history. What sucks is, it looks like you get away with it, too.
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Michael Fassbender’s giant penis finally hits home video (in a Blu-ray/DVD/Digital Copy combo pack) so we can now take the measure of the man in the privacy of our own homes. As much press as this film has gotten from Fassbender’s member, the merits of the movie itself seem to get forgotten. Many critics loved it, and it was one of those flicks that got ‘snubbed’ by the Oscar nominations, so it’s probably not bad. That being said, Vince’s review awarded it two out of five uncircumcised wangs. That’s a ‘C+’ in non-genital grading. In other words, just like with Mission: Impossible, Vince was able to see past the giant cock on the screen and assess the movie without bias.
Donald Sutherland and Larry Mullen, Jr. co-star in this remake of a French film from 10 years ago. Of course you know Donald Sutherland as the foreboding President Snow from The Hunger Games (I don’t think he’s been in any other successful films), but did you know Larry Mullen, Jr. is the drummer for U2? He also produced/performed on the rebooted “Theme From ‘Mission: Impossible’” way back when the first film came out in 1996. Needless to say, his acting credentials are top-notch.
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7 Below
Val Kilmer and Ving Rhames star in this straight-to-DVD thriller. I find Val Kilmer fascinating. When he was a bankable star he had the reputation that he was difficult to work with. That can’t still be the case because he will act in anything. He’s clearly enjoying life and I don’t blame him. As for Ving Rhames, for me he will always be Luther Stickell from the Mission: Impossible films. You see that Tom Cruise? I just wrote four consecutive paragraphs that referenced Mission: Impossible. You could even say that the last three were sequels. Because, while separate, they followed and built on what came before. Suck it, douche.
Rumor has it that Tom Selleck was originally cast as Indiana Jones, but had to drop out due to contractual obligations while making Magnum, P.I. This Indy rip-off was supposed to be his consolation prize. It’s from 1983 and is just now getting a legal U.S. DVD release, so it seems fairly forgotten in movie history and was probably not much of a consolation. Wilford Brimley’s in it and I bet he and Selleck had many conversations about moustache maintenance.
Dennis Farina stars in this indie flick about a small time crook who gets out of a seven week stint in the hospital to find out everyone had assumed he died. His stuff is pawned, his apartment’s occupied and he’s got nothing and no one. He ends up moving in with the new tenants of his old apartment, a single mother and her young daughter. What the f*ck? Who does that? Let alone, a single mother. If some dude showed up at my door and said he used to live at my address and could he please continue to do so, I would at least ask for references.
The dude who directed the video-game movie Hitman directs this ‘people trapped in a post-apocalyptic bunker’ film. Although I’m sure this movie’s awful, the production value in the trailer looks pretty good to me. The cast is pretty weak, with Michael Biehn and Lauren German getting top-billing. What’s really troubling is the presence of Milo Ventimiglia. I hate that guy, and not because of his droopy lip. Well, maybe because of his droopy lip, but the rest of his existence isn’t helping. His IMDb bio lists ‘Supported Senator Barack Obama’s bid to win the Democratic nomination for the 2008 presidential election’ under trivia. So did most Americans. What’s next, you eat food and drink water?
This film’s director, Niki Caro, previously directed Whale Rider and North Country which nabbed three Oscar nominations between them. No such accolades greeted this flick which underwent a name change (from The Vintner’s Luck) sometime between its 2009 release overseas and this, its straight-to-DVD American debut. It’s got Vera Farmiga (who’s not bad, but not good either) and that dude who played Hannibal Lecter in that awful prequel from a few years ago. If you haven’t lost interest yet, it’s about angels helping some dude make wine. I think.
The Man Nobody Knew: In Search Of My Father, CIA Spymaster William Colby
This documentary from Carl Colby is about…well read that long-winded title if you haven’t already. How intimidating would it be for your dad to be the director of the CIA? You wouldn’t try sh*t. On the other hand, you could totally use it to f*ck with your friends or get into a girl’s pants. Unless, like Colby, your dad was largely responsible for America’s participation in the Vietnam War, in which case you should probably just say that your dad is an accountant for the local iron works.
This is the latest from that weird sub-genre, the pseudo-Christian rapture/apocalypse film. The trailer’s fairly disturbing; an ominous Muslim carries around suitcase nukes and no one can stop him, because the bible says so. Or something. He’s gonna blow up Jerusalem, to fulfill prophecy? Or he’s going to blow up the U.S. so Jerusalem will be taken back? I don’t know, the trailer was kind of exhausting. The only fun part about these movies is seeing who’s collecting a paycheck. This time it’s Lee Majors as an arms dealer, Stacy Keach as a ‘converted’ (to Christianity?) Mossad agent, and Randy Travis as a CIA Director, just like William Colby. (Sequel paragraph!)
Reporters covering ‘New Town’, a community completely run by robots, fight for their lives when the robots go haywire. The faux-reporting style is very much stolen from District 9, but to be fair, the concept of robots turning on humans seems to be a new one. Just think what a better director with a decent budget could do with that concept!
As this red-band trailer makes clear, these competitive dancers won’t be saving the rec center; they’ll be saving the mother*cking rec center! How will they do it? With strong language, some sexuality/nudity, violence, and brief drug use. Actually, the trailer’s completely clean, and thus, completely boring. I don’t even think there is a rec center involved in this one. In fact, this film is actually an Italian film called Five Hours South, re-branded as Crew 2 Crew for American audiences. You know, this film being from Italy might explain why everyone looks ‘ethnic’ without looking ‘urban’, if you know what I’m saying.
You ever watch those shows on cable where so-called experts go around investigating paranormal activity? The first 20 minutes they fart around in the dark, wondering if they heard something and checking ‘thermal readings’ or something, and then the next day they present the ‘evidence’ to the home owner or the bar manager or something and conclude that something may or may not be haunting that building. Nobody really knows. This horror flick is about if one of those shows actually found something. Yup, it looks as bad as that sounds. If this is your thing, shoot yourself and haunt the new tenants of your old apartment. You could move in, just like Joe May. (Completely unexpected sequel paragraph to a long-forgotten prior paragraph!)
While the title promises aggressive behavior, the trailer shows something a bit more subdued. In fact, I will now summarize the entire trailer, including all dialogue: Dude sits on a couch. Dude walks in woods. Dude stands by a fence and looks over his shoulder. Dude needs to clean his basement. “Where are you, my little whore?” Dude’s been hurt, looks angry and breathes heavily. He goes into a doorway. “KATE?!?” Woman stands by door with hammer in hand, crying. Fin.
You really need to watch this trailer. It looks like this entire dungeon-crawler horror/action flick was shot in front of a green screen. In fact, IMDb says that many actors temporarily lost their peripheral vision due to long hours in front of the 400 foot green screen. This actually could be dumb fun if the movie isn’t as damn murky looking as the trailer. I imagine the low-light level is an attempt to cover the less-than-stellar CGI effects, but how much worse could it look if it were a little more brightly lit?
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Oh. OH. I stand corrected. To the good people behind Hell’s Labyrinth, you have my apologies. Now this is how you do crappy green screen. I honestly think some guy made this with shareware and a green bed sheet. Plus, how the hell is Marvel not all over this? Especially since they are now owned by Disney. Disney does not f*ck around. If it were just a goofy youtube video, I could see letting it slip, but this DVD is selling on Amazon. For $18 bucks. That’s more than Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol costs. (Awesome Ouroboros-esque sequel final paragraph bringing it all back to the original! Eat my sh*t, Tom Cruise!)
None of the new DVDs seem to also be streaming, so my apologies to everyone hoping to see 7 Below or Crew 2 Crew. On the upside, Lars von Trier’s Melancholia is now streaming. If you’re still not satisfied, we’ve got some suggestions inspired by the new DVDs.
Instead of watching Simon Pegg in Mission: Impossible, check him out with David Schwimmer and Alice Eve in this little-seen crime comedy from 2006. I caught this on cable a while back, and I have to say, I found it entertaining. Plus, Pegg plays an American and that’s always weird. His accent’s not right, but it isn’t British either, you know?
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Hunger
Before Michael Fassbender and director Steve McQueen made Shame, they collaborated on this true story about a hunger strike in a Northern Irish prison. This film is part of the Criterion Collection, so it’s probably pretty well made.
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Blood Creek
If you like Fassbender with a little less seriousness, check out this horror film from 2009. Fassbender plays a nazi occultist in West Virginia. It co-stars Henry Cavill, who we all know as the new Superman, and it is directed by none other than Joel ‘Batman & Robin’ Schumacher. For real, how bad must this be since I’ve never heard of it until now?
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The People Under The Stairs
Instead of watching Ving Rhames in the spooky 7 Below, check him out in Wes Craven’s The People Under The Stairs. I didn’t even realize he was in this movie. I remember the couple from Twin Peaks, and the kid with no tongue, but I don’t recall Rhames at all. Time for a re-watch, I guess.