Here’s what we know about Lorde: She makes excellent music to weep by, her style is undeniable, and there’s an 80 percent chance that she’s a middle-aged dad from South Park named Randy Marsh (hey she admitted it herself).
Here’s what you may not know: Behind all the glitz and glamour and the rock and roll life, Lorde may be (may be) the world’s foremost onion ring critic. And she may have already been shut out of the game!
Here’s the evidence: According to Anna Bracewell-Worrall, who’s gone deep for New Zealand’s NewsHub, an account devoted to reviewing every onion ring its owner touches likely belonged to the singer. “That’s crazy,” you might be saying, “you bloggers need to find a better way to spend your time,” but is it so crazy when we can tell you that the account a) had only 24 followers, including Lorde and several associates, b) followed Lorde’s tour itinerary, and c) used very Lorde-like language (which is, now, apparently a thing.)
“Every onion ring I encounter, rated,” the bio reads.
That’s vaguely Lorde-ish, but it’s not much to go on.
Now dive in – the account writer describes an onion ring as being “eaten ceremoniously on a plane from Tennessee to New York”. Who, other than the greatest pop star to ever leave New Zealand shores, would use those words? They are possibly the single-most Lorde words ever written.
This onion-ring-account operator could be based anywhere in the world, but two of the four posts are US-based. Despite that, the word “flavour” is spelled with a “u” – the preferred spelling outside the United States, including in New Zealand, Lorde’s birthplace.
Ok, but that’s not all. If you click over to the site, there’s also an (admittedly creepy) finger comparison. We know, we know, who’s out here comparing fingers? Well, it’s exactly who you think it would be: a 17-year-old superfan. Listen, school’s out and you love Lorde (ya ya ya), what else are you gonna do but stalk her insta and compare her fingers to that of someone running an anonymous account about where to find the best deep-fried onions? Go outside? Hell no.
Plus, is it any surprise that the woman who wrote parts of her last album at a greasy spoon in New York would love onion rings?
Before we come at you with the most damning evidence of all, there’s something else we need to take care of. In her report, Bracewell-Worrall reveals something so shocking that you may never look at Lorde (allegedly) the same way again: Apparently our lady of perpetual wailing didn’t know that Burger King sold onion rings and, more upsetting, didn’t like them, claiming that they are “not good.”
For real, Lorde? Burger Onion rings “not good”? Sure, they’re certainly not what you’re gonna get somewhere fancy like Outback, but when it’s late at night and Burger King is the only place open, there’s nothing better than two orders of BK’s rings and some Zesty Sauce (TM). Question: Did you have the zesty sauce? Because the zesty sauce is important! Sometimes they’ll try to give you ketchup or barbecue or some honey thing (don’t know, don’t mess with it) but if you’re not eating your onion rings with Zesty Sauce, you’re not getting the most out of life, okay?
Back to the actual account: In case all of the above wasn’t enough evidence for you, consider this. According to NewsHub, when Bracewell-Worrall approached Lorde’s management team about the account, asking about Lorde’s preferences in breaded root vegetables and whether she runs the account, onionringsworldwide was unceremoniously shut down, robbing us of the chance to know where it is that the truly perfect onion ring boils in a deep fryer.