Life

These People’s Most Seinfeld-ian Breakup Excuses Will Make You Feel Like A Saint

If you’ve ever watched more than an episode or two of Seinfeld, then you’ll know that the whole crew is pretty picky about the people they choose to date. (Well, most of the crew…George Constanza is usually the one being broken up with.)

Case in point: Man Hands, the Close Talker, the Two-Face, the question of being “sponge-worthy,” and on and on the list of the dumped goes. So notorious for heartless dumping are the Seinfeld crew that an incident even makes it into that 9/11 spec script.

Turns out, people are picky in real life, too — and they’re happy to talk about it on Reddit. This weekend, uglypanda237 asked the question, “What’s your most Seinfeld-like reason for ending a relationship?” The answers would make Jerry proud.

Iliketosnuggle’s reason for cutting ties had to do with a ketchup aversion:

He was eating a cheeseburger, and somehow got ketchup all over his face. I have an intense aversion to ketchup, and realized that I would never be able to kiss him again without being disgusted

…It was horrible. There I was, enjoying my delicious bacon cheeseburger with NO ketchup, and I look over at him, wanting to share this delightful moment. His face was covered in ketchup! All I could think was “Oh, God, my lips have been there before.”

Onestrikeaway’s one-sentence reason for breaking up totally makes sense, and definitely feels like it belongs in an episode of Seinfeld: “She answered her phone during a movie.”

AvieLikesThis had trouble with her date’s kissing technique:

He couldn’t kiss, and refused to do it any other way than this:

Pucker your lips as tightly as you can, like you’re drinking through a very narrow straw. Now, try to stick your tongue through the hole.

That was why I dumped him.

…and so did Cajun Traiteur:

A guy I was with would try to “make out” with me but it was never a make-out. He would just get his tongue as saliva-y as he could and lick my lips and or teeth back and forth, round and round, and then stick his tongue in my mouth and waggle it super hard like he was having a tongue war. Oh my god it was horrible.


Onesharpman couldn’t handle his girlfriend’s allergies:

She sneezed too loud. Most women I’ve dated have normal sounding sneezes, ranging from those plugged nose “gnnn” to normal “achoos.” But this girl had fucking massive “RA-HAAA!” sneezes, and she had allergies, so it was very common. It got very annoying very fast, so I called it.

And buttsoupsteve couldn’t deal with the fact that his girlfriend had trouble with a fancy word: “She kept pronouncing “immaculate” as “immaculant.”

Ryiujin’s girlfriend’s method of eating steak rivals Elaine’s boss’ method of eating a Snickers bar:

Would not use a knife when we went to dinner. She ordered a steak. And only used a fork. She picked up an entire steak with a fork and bit off of it. The best part was she kept dropping it on the plate.


MrPibb7 went as far as to write a bit of Seinfeld-esque dialogue about the time his creationist girlfriend came across his dinosaur bedsheets from childhood:

She was raised Catholic, and besides being a science major in college, she was brainwashed.

She stayed at my family’s house one night before a flight. I was in the linen closet and found some old bedsheets of mine with the colorful dinosaurs on them.

me: who’s your favorite? Triceratops? her: yeah, sorry…I don’t really believe in dinosaurs…

[cut to the apt.]

Jerry (me): I didn’t know what to say! here I am holding cherished heirlooms and she debunks the whole team, right in front of me! Elaine: couldn’t she just have picked one? said “the scaly one’s my favorite”? George: you’d think with all of the scientific evidence… Jerry: nope, fossils were put there to test her. Kramer: [aghast] ….not even Stegosaurus?

Casino_night hasn’t broken it off with his girlfriend quite yet, but might soon — and all because of one verbal tic:

I can see a Seinfeld-esque reason for breaking it off with my current girlfriend. Instead of saying “same here” or “me too”, she says “me same”. At first I didn’t notice and figured I’d heard her wrong. Nope, she even texts it. I could originally pass it off as a cute quirk but now it’s driving me insane. I obsess over it while having a conversation. I don’t know how much longer I can take.

And for a non-breakup quip that still reads like an episode of Seinfeld, the top comment on the entire thread is joe57392’s story of a very mis-timed bouquet of flowers:

…I decided I should surprise her with random flowers and seeing that she likes dogs I thought it would be a great idea to get a dog shaped floral arrangement.

In Seinfeld fashion one of her dogs dies the day the flowers arrive. I looked like an insensitive prick.


Apparently, people are just really picky about choosing romantic partners, because the quips from Reddit users go on and on. Eating pickles too loudly? A bedroom that smells like Grandma’s? No reason is too petty when it’s time to move on. But if it is time to move on, make sure you do it with a line from Seinfeld, at least.

×