You’re Not As Bad At Breakups As George Costanza Is

02.05.16 3 years ago 2 Comments

Many people consider Seinfeld a comedy, but they’re wrong. Despite its masturbation wagers, yodeling belly buttons, Newmania, and other hilarious moments, the show was clearly a work of fantasy. How else could an unemployed, hipster doofus afford his own Manhattan apartment? How else could Jerry pay for all that stone-washed denim while slinging Ovaltine jokes? How else could Elaine never have anything better to do? And most fantastical of all: How did George Costanza get dates with all those beautiful women?

The fine folks at Kramer’s Apartment have tallied that George hooked up with a credulity-straining, reality-shattering, brain-cramping 47 women over the course of the show. 47 women! How many of your friends have hooked up with 47 women (and most of them gorgeous with feathered hair, no less) in a nine-year period? Now how many of those gentlemen also happen to be stumpy, chubby, balding, rage-filled, perpetually unemployed, emotionally immature, lazy, garbage-pastry-eating misanthropes?

But even the best fantasy still has to be grounded by the harsh weight of reality — from parent murder in Harry Potter to boiling sexual tension in Lord of the Rings — and Seinfeld is no exception. Because even though George has dated some of the most beautiful women in Manhattan, his personality ensures that every single one of these relationships ends in failure, humiliation, and the occasional glue poisoning. Here are his 10 most devastating breakups.

#10. Susan Ross — Season 4 and 7

While not technically a breakup, George inadvertently (and fatally) poisoned his fiancee with toxic glue from bargain wedding-invitation envelopes, ending the relationship before his personality could finish the job. The sudden death of a loved one would haunt most people, but for George, it provided only a brief moment of reflection that was quickly replaced by a desire for coffee.

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