Outback’s ‘3-Point Bloomin’ Onion’ For The NCAA Tourney Ought To Come With A Cardiogram

If you’ve ever been an Outback Steakhouse (or seen any of the commercials), you’ve heard about the “Bloomin’ Onion.” This deep-fried, “hand carved” onion is pretty much a giant, 2,000 calorie onion ring. It’s one of Outback’s aptly-named Aussie-Tizers (get it?) and probably the most well-known item at the Australian-themed steakhouse chain. It’s a bargain at only $8.99, but trying to eat this whole monstrosity is truly a caloric nightmare. It’s best shared among 10-12 friends. (You could eat it by yourself, of course, but just keep in mind that bad breath will be the least of your worries.)

But Americans inherently want more. How could we possibly be happy with a simple, giant, deep-fried onion? No, we need something added to said onion! Well, Outback heard our pleas and added loaded cheese fries to the onion back in June. That’s right, the caloric-bomb that is the Bloomin’ Onion got amped up with French fries, bacon and ranch dressing. All this for an incredible 2,360 calories. Yep, almost 2,500 calories for an appetizer. Excuse me, an Aussie-Tizer. They called it the “Loaded Bloom” and it should have been good enough. Should have been. But it wasn’t.

To celebrate the March Madness NCAA basketball tournament, Outback is adding steak to the already ridiculous appetizer. They’re calling it the “3-Point Bloomin’ Onion,” and it’s definitely north of 3,000 calories. A small sauce alone is 220 calories. The two sauces shown in the picture will already set you back 440 calories.

Like with all interesting sports-related stories, Darren Rovell tweeted the news to the world.

It’s already popular on Twitter (even though it’s not supposed to be available yet):

https://twitter.com/HellOnEarth141/status/839852014624468994

https://twitter.com/chkilroy/status/841325671221669888

The new Bloomin’ Onion will be available starting March 15th (just in time for the tournament). It’s best paired with an ice-cold, draft beer and followed with a nap. After which you should immediately sign up for a membership at your local gym and make an appointment with your cardiologist.