Related: All The ‘Christmas Vacation’ Lines You’re Still Repeating 25 Holiday Seasons Later
We’ve all got that one relative, (in some cases, we’ve been that one relative), the perpetual beer-swilling, dickie-wearing, down-on-his-luck type. While it’s easy to laugh at and even cheer along Cousin Eddie (Randy Quaid), it would be nothing short of a waking nightmare to have him as kin, especially around this time of year.
Eddie may be one of the highlights of 1983’s National Lampoon’s Vacation (and Vegas Vacation, for that matter), but it isn’t until his follow-up appearance in 1989’s National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (which is a part of the Warner Bros. Holiday Gift Guide) that he really gets a chance to shine as the hapless cousin who shows up unannounced to crash the Griswolds’ already crowded and chaotic Christmas.
Still, Clark (Chevy Chase) is ready to make the best of it, despite the occasional muttering under his breath about driving Eddie out to the middle of nowhere and leaving him for dead, which is most likely a simple way of coping with the situation. After all, even during the holidays, there’s only so much freeloading one man can take. So, with that in mind, here are all the times that you were glad Cousin Eddie wasn’t related to you.
“We’re taking it with us when we leave next month.”
Eddie shows up with most of his family — minus the daughter that’s in treatment and the son that’s in carney training — packed into his new RV. As he catches up with Clark over some eggnog, Clark feigns interest in the goings-on in Eddie’s life, prompting the latter to not only brag about his new mobile residence, but also drop the bomb about his rather long-term vacation plans. This is why people who can park their entire existence in your driveway should be watched carefully. Remember, those homes are only mobile if someone is willing to turn the key and hit the gas.
“…it’s best just to let him finish.”
Like a lot of relatives who wear out their welcome right after they arrive, Eddie doesn’t just come with family members, but also a large, ill-behaved dog named Snot that he explains is part “Mississippi leg hound.” This comes as part of Eddie’s blissfully unapologetic explanation on what to do should his dog start to “go to town” on Clark’s leg. Even though we never get to see any dog-on-leg action, Snot does do most of the work destroying their house by chasing a squirrel through it, but that’s really more of a shared blame between Eddie and Clark and possibly payback for the slaying of Dinky in the first movie.
“Here’s a little list, alphabetical, starting with Katherine.”
As they’re out shopping, Eddie spends the entire walk down an aisle of a Wal-Mart insisting to Clark that he’s “not one for charity,” all while filling up his shopping cart with a huge amount of dog food (seriously, so much dog food). Regardless, Clark tells him he and Ellen (Beverly D’Angelo) intend to help give their kids a few gifts to help celebrate Christmas. And while Eddie is genuinely touched by the gesture, any sincerity he shows is immediately undercut when he hands over a pre-written, alphabetized Christmas list. Even better, he generously offers Clark a token gift for himself, on his own dime, of course. Let’s just say Eddie tends to be a little generous with the charity that he receives.
“Every time Katherine would run the microwave, I’d piss my pants and forget who I was for a half-hour or so.”
Eddie may have been talking about the effect the microwave had on the now-replaced metal plate in his head, but it’s safe to assume he would have these kinds of problems regardless. Also, I don’t now why he’s worried about messing up his hair, that Caldor-brand vinyl trapper hat is choice.
“Save the neck for me, Clark.”
In fairness, if you haven’t feasted on the neck meat of a turkey while sat at the table next to your family while wearing your sharpest periwinkle blue suit, you shouldn’t be laughing. Maybe it’s delicious. Maybe Eddie is on to something that you can’t grasp, you drumstick-eating conformist.
“If you don’t mind, Clark, I’d like to see if I could fumigate this chair. It’s a good quality item.”
Despite the fact that Aunt Bethany’s (Mae Questel) cat had been electrocuted by Christmas lights right underneath the chair, Eddie isn’t keen to let a quality piece of furniture get thrown away over a little fried-cat smell. These are the things you look out for during those seven lean years while you’re holding out for a management position, because not only are they able to pull a room together, but they standout as an amazing story at cocktail parties. Now, Eddie would call the chair, “reclaimed” and people would “ooh” and “ahh.”
“Merry Christmas. Sh*tter was full!”
The best-loved line from the movie by far has become something of a holiday greeting in and of itself, as Eddie carelessly dumps hazardous chemicals into Clark’s sewer, terrifying his already uptight neighbors and eventually costing the Griswold’s the very tree they’d worked so hard to bring home.
“That’s the gift that keeps on givin’ the whole year!”
Clark, on the verge of a nervous breakdown, reveals to everyone just how much he was counting on a Christmas bonus, (note: a lot). While one eventually comes delivered to his house a day late, he opens it to find it’s nothing but a year-long membership to the Jelly of the Month Club. While Eddie’s heart is once again in the right place, especially coming from a guy who seems like he’d really appreciate a gift like this, it’s not nearly enough to keep Clark from actually having that nervous breakdown. In fact, it was Eddie’s silver lining that seemed to tip the scale, sending Clark into his rambling, oft-quoted holiday tirade. And to think, this all could have been avoided had it been the Jam of the Month Club.
“You bout ready to do some kissing?”
In the end, Eddie manages to somehow save Christmas (or at least Clark’s bank account) by kidnapping his boss, Frank Shirley (Brian Doyle-Murray) and bringing him back to the Griswold house, complete with a big, red bow to celebrate the occasion. Once he’s there, Frank sees first-hand the impact that the lack of a Christmas bonus is having on this rather well-off suburban Chicago family, and he has a change of heart, deciding to issue bonuses to his staff, which means the Griswolds will be getting that pool after all and that Eddie’s property value on the mobile home just went up now that it’s pool adjacent, to say nothing of its pristine septic system and its baller furniture.
Hope you enjoyed our look back at Christmas Vacation. Our friends at Warner Bros. asked us to remind readers that the Christmas Vacation Steel Book Blu Ray is available for purchase here.
