There had been plenty of Ebenezer Scrooges before Bad Santa came along in 2003, but none of them hated Christmas with the vitriol of Willie (Billy Bob Thornton). Willie out scrooged them all with his foul-mouthed hatred of the holidays and all things associated with it. The man unleashed a string of booze-soaked, curse words on anybody who dared even the slightest interaction with him and the result was one of the funniest — and certainly dirtiest — holiday movies ever.
We’ll get to see how Willie has fared in life with the release of Bad Santa 2, but in the meantime, we have his filthy quotes to cherish this holiday season. Good luck finding a reason to use these dirty gems without coming off like an unbalanced Scrooge and alienating everyone around you.
“Next, goddammit. This is not the DMV, alright? Move it along.” — Willie
Taking your kid to see the mall Santa or participating in pretty much any sort of Christmas activity is going to involve waiting in a long line. It’s just one of the pitfalls that’s attached to the season and it can seriously wear a human being down. While it’s not advised to drop this quote on that kid standing in front of you who’s picking his/her nose and oblivious to the fact that the line is moving, go ahead and say it in your head all you want.
“Son of a b*tch! You lousy, cheatin’ little sh*t! — Willie
First off, please don’t call a kid a “cheating little sh*t” no matter how badly they school you in a game of checkers. Willie doesn’t exactly have the best patience when dealing with children, and when the Kid beats him in a game, he absolutely freaks out. Now if you’re playing adults in a game of Monopoly and explode in this sort of manner, well, that’s understandable because that game is designed to tear families apart. Plus, flipping that game board just feels good.
“You wanna see some magic? Here, let’s watch you disappear.” — Willie
Willie isn’t the kind of Santa to take requests from children and put on an entertaining show. If the guy can remain sitting upright without soiling himself, he’s having a good day. One of his few golden lines that doesn’t involve a barrage of curse words, this gem is perfect for throwing out when the holidays have come to a close and that one annoying relative is still taking up space in your guest bedroom.
“What is it with you, anyway? Somebody drop you on your f*ckin’ head?”
The Kid is an expert at playing mind games with Willie — even though he’s completely unaware of the skill — and it drives Willie insane. It’s understandable that he gets frustrated with the Kid’s questions, because jeeze can kids ever go on and on. Good luck working this quote in next time a child gets all meta with you in their questioning without coming off like a total monster of a person.
“As far as I can recall, I’ve never fornicated anybody.” — Willie
Willie isn’t a man of extensive vocabulary, and when it comes to fornication with another person, he likely has a bevy of verbs he’d rather use instead of “fornicate.” He finds himself in hot water with the mall manager (John Ritter) after getting busted fornicating with a mall shopper in the women’s dressing room and talks his way out of hot water by using Marcus (Tony Cox) as leverage. You might not find cause to drop this line often, but it’s sure to come in handy should you ever find yourself in Willie’s situation.
“Are you saying there’s something wrong with my gear? Is that what you’re saying to me?” — Willie
“I’m sorry, your gear?” — Bob
“My f*ck stick.” — Willie
Hey, lots of people name their genitalia, so to each their own. Unfortunately for Willie, he chose to disclose what he calls his junk at the worst possible time to an individual who never wanted to know about his “f*ck stick.” If you choose to adopt Willie’s nickname for his little Willie, that’s your business, but please, don’t reveal it to your boss.
“I’m on my f*cking lunch break, okay?!” — Willie
If it wasn’t glaringly evident already, Willie’s not the type of Santa who goes the extra mile to brighten a child’s day. That poor kid likely forever had his concept of Santa warped, and his mother surely never bothered anyone while they were eating ever again. This quote definitely sends a strong message across that you’re not to be bothered when on a lunch break, just keep in mind that your boss will probably send you directly to HR when you return from said lunch break.
“Your pants are awfully baggy. Got anything in there?” — Security Guard
“Yeah, my dick.” — Willie
Willie doesn’t care for authority figures, and he’s certainly not about to let some mall cop accuse him of being a thief — even though that’s exactly what he is. You might not find much use for this quote — hopefully you’re not shoplifting — but man, is it ever a solid zinger should there be an opportune time to bust the line out on somebody.
“Well, wish in one hand and sh*t in the other and see which one fills up first.” — Willie
Willie is a realist if there ever was one, and he’s not about to sugarcoat the hard truths of the world for the Kid. Wishing is fine and all, just don’t expect results from it. Now, you’re probably not going to want to drop this on a child when they say something about wishing for a pony for the holidays, but if you’re dealing with an out of touch adult — bombs away.
“You probably shouldn’t be diggin’ in your ass.” — Marcus
This is just good advice, plain and simple. Ass digging when in public or the vicinity of others is never a good idea.
