Movies

These ‘BASEketball’ Quotes Are Psych-Out Gold

BASEketball is one of the most important sports movies out there and not just because it marks one of the earliest utterances of the word “derp.” South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone successfully melded two sports together along with yet another unsung hero of the sports world: the psych-out. Psych-outs are the ultimate defensive strategy, whether you’re spraying milk from your nipples or proclaiming that Squeak screwed your rival’s sister… which definitely never happened. Need more proof about the value of the psych-out?

Beyond that stiff drink of fat liposuctioned out of Marlon Brando’s ass and the holy grail of psych-outs — “The Mime” — exists plenty of other moments from a film that was as crude and hilarious away from the diamond as it was on it. So, here now are some of the best BASEketball psych-outs and moments.

“We’ve gotta get jobs, then we get the khakis, then we get the chicks.”

Imagining where this chain of ideas ultimately leads is almost as dizzying as coming up with a way to make khakis look attractive. The scene that lays the groundwork for the invention of BASEketball is also one of the most painfully obvious throwbacks of the movie, showing fairly clearly that it was made in the ’90s. There is no way anyone parties or even gathers in the same space looking that tacky anymore, right?

“We’ll drink every time a fight breaks out.”

Behold, a Dream Come True Foundation kid swilling shots like his life depends on it.

“Tell him he’s fat.”

Cartman comes to life to help win the Beers’ their first Denslow Cup with a bit of “subtle” meanness about a rival player’s weight.

“It’s hard to believe that five years ago those girls were only in grade school.”

Pervy Al Michaels is a seriously under-appreciated asset. He just keeps getting older and the BASEketball cheerleaders stay the same age.

“It certainly does seem to be raining sh*t on Joe Cooper right now.”

There’s no such thing as a truly sensitive moment in BASEketball. There’s definitely crying, but levity’s the name of the game. After losing his team owner and the Denslow cup in a one-two psych-out punch, Coop’s feeling pretty low. Lucky for him, a sportscaster from UPN (RIP to that old network) knows exactly what to say to completely blindside him.

“Hey, that’s my wife.”

If you think an “I f*cked your wife” joke is bad enough, just wait till there’s an accompanying illustration. Swish delivers the goods with a colored and fully shade line drawn T-shirt of a Dallas Felons player’s wife getting her freak on with Swish himself.

“It’s the strangest thing — he’s 8 years old and he smells like Robert Downey, Jr.”

That whole Jerry Springer fighting-led drinking session doesn’t exactly turn out so great. Not only are the Beers impaired and awful but little Joey Thomas begins to feel the effects of mass tequila shots leading up to his kidney transplant. The operating doctors were pretty shocked to see a small child with the blood alcohol level of a large, drunken horse.

“If you want unanimous consent, you’re gonna have to get it from one of the other owners.”

This whole scene is its own multi-layered psych-out. Free range chicken night only adds to the confusion in a beautiful moment of chicken poop and falling feathers. Dallas Felons owner Baxter Cain welcomes Coop to the world of team ownership while also trying to change the fabric of the game entirely. The sport was born out of a need to bring athletes and fans back to the good old days where sportsmen were basically “indentured servants.” Cain just wants to cash in on another profitable sport where greed is the true leader.

“If I had a nickel for every time that ball pulled me out of a tight spot, I’d have a sh*tload of nickels!”

What happens when little Joey Thomas’ favorite athlete comes to visit him in the hospital? Well, a whole lot of offensive stuff. No visit is sacred, not even the first one. When Coop unveils his beloved La-Z-Boy BASEketball that he made himself, he measures its worth in nickels and gets a pretty great reaction out of both Joey and Jenna, the director of the Dream Come True Foundation.

“Look out ahead, there’s a truck changing lanes. You’ve got some yellow crumbs on your upper lip.”

One of the most schizophrenic and wholly South Park-esque moments of the whole movie. Coop’s car radio plays a song only he would truly connect with.

The Finger

Not a quote, but dig that jazzy mouth music as BASEketball keeps those Halloween vibes coming with a faux finger and a lots and lots of fake blood that spews all over both Coop and the opposing team all in the name of the psych-out.

“Scenario number two: Coop went to Disney World”

Apparently Mickey’s magical kingdom is synonymous with a place with the most “heinous, blatant, and vile exploitation on the planet.” When does Disney Calcutta open again?

“You’re excited? Feel these nipples!”

Hey pervy Al Michaels, meet pervier Bob Costas.

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