TROLLS! TROLLS EVERYWHERE! Marvel’s most charismatic dancer Chris Pratt is selflessly taken time out of his day to warn about the troll menace that’s invaded the Pacific Northwest and he’s not talking about butt bloats on the internet, either.
In the Instagram post we have nestled above, Pratt goes on an exc– What’s that? No, Pratt’s abs are not on display in the picture. Don’t worry, we’ll include gratuitous torso action at the end. Okay? Okay. So the Andy Dwyer conjurer that is Chris Pratt posted a funny “Troll Time” rant on Instagram. We cannot confirm any troll sightings outside of recent Norwegian cinema, but this silly blast of troll hunting comes equipped with a slightly more important message: Go outside.
Oh snap!!! It’s my favorite time of year!!!! Where my peeps at who know what I’m talking about?
To be clear, what I’m talking about is #TrollTime##TrollTime is the time of year when evil trolls roam the woods and scratch their greasy nails up and down the tree bark sharpening them for the purge. The troll purge is a big deal in the Pacific Northwest. And an epidemic. Trolls are being wiped out at an alarming rate. Only you can stop their decimation by wrapping yourself in bacon and hanging out near bridges and offering yourself up as a scrumptious snack to the trolls. Now I know what you’re thinking… Nothing. You are not thinking anything at all. Your mind is utterly devoid of thought. You are 6 inches from your phone mindlessly scrolling through bursts of colorful meaningless digital cerebellum numbing information blasts meanwhile REAL LIFE BEASTS are out in the woods eating and making love and running all buckwild scratching up the trees.
PUT DOWN YOUR PHONEGO OUTSIDE
BREATHE DEEP
AND LOOK OUT FOR TROLLS
Wouldn’t you like to join Pratt and those beasts in the woods eating, making love and somehow not suffering from embarrassing stomach cramps by combining those first two things? There’s always a chance trolls exist and this is a very subtle way of tipping off the public without mass hysteria breaking out. Only your local wildlife officer knows for sure.
Here’s your Pratt abs, you jackals.
