So you want to write a movie. You’ve got a plot with three acts, an interesting location, and a pretty cool dude who’s going to take the lead on this story that’s totally not about your life but about something different. One problem: You’ve got to write a convincing female character, one who will jump out of your imagination, off the page, and into the hearts and minds of casting directors everywhere. But what if you’ve never met a woman? Don’t worry, neither have the people who’ve written the character descriptions being lampooned by Ross Putnam, a producer who’s tweeting them to let the world know that these character bios are bad and whoever wrote them should feel bad.
JANE, a 19 year old Bunny girl – honey-blonde farmland beauty queen.
— Ross Putman (@femscriptintros) February 10, 2016
You’ll never know who wrote these descriptions–Putnam changed all character names to Jane to protect the guilty–but after reading just a couple you’ll know never to refer to a character only as “buxom,” “stunning,” or “smokin'” to let the reader get the gist of what she’s about. Female characters: they’re people too!
JANE, 28, athletic but sexy. A natural beauty. Most days she wears jeans, and she makes them look good.
— Ross Putman (@femscriptintros) February 10, 2016
Incidentally, what does “athletic but sexy” mean?
JANE pours her gorgeous figure into a tight dress, slips into her stiletto-heeled fuck-me shoes, and checks herself in the dresser mirror.
— Ross Putman (@femscriptintros) February 10, 2016
A gorgeous woman, JANE, 23, is a little tipsy, dancing naked on her big bed, as adorable as she is sexy. *BONUS PTS FOR BEING THE 1ST LINE
— Ross Putman (@femscriptintros) February 10, 2016
As adorable as she’s what? Check out a few more.
All heads turn to find JANE (28) in the doorway: stunning and trying her best to hide it.
— Ross Putman (@femscriptintros) February 10, 2016
Like draping the Venus De Milo in a burlap dress, Jane’s sensational natural beauty fights through her plain blue Ann Taylor outfit.
— Ross Putman (@femscriptintros) February 10, 2016
Head over to Putnam’s Twitter to see the rest.
(h/t Vulture)